Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t go on a little trip. Go on a MAJOR trip. To Paris. To Egypt. To Dubai.

We went on a trip like that over Thanksgiving and we got good deals on airfare and lodging, maybe in part because most Americans wouldn’t be going abroad at that time.

honestly, go on a cool trip and invite and pay for the sons and girlfriends. that may make them spend the holiday with you.

but yeah, you set the example that it was ok to prioritize mom's family, so...you may reap what you sowed.

I kind of think this is the case too.

I don't have living ILs but all my friends who do, they all have a very even system of trading off holidays. Every other year or one set always gets a certain holiday. Most people are pretty good about splitting it.

All you can do is have an explicit convo with your sons about it. At least express that it's important to you while being understanding you will now have to split time.

No advice, but your post made me realize that this has happened to my in laws.

I'm one of three girls and we all three prioritize Christmas Eve with our parents and then slot in when we'll see our respective in laws around that.

My husband is one of three boys, and in the 7 years we've been married there has never been a Christmas or Thanksgiving that he and his brothers are all there with his parents on the same day to celebrate. His brothers are also married or seriously committed and seem to similarly prioritize their partners' family of origin and then plan something with their own around that.

I don't maliciously or even consciously plot to do this, it's just that I'm the planer and my husband does not romanticize and love holidays the way I do. I'm doing what I already know and already love and he's happy to do whatever.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t go on a little trip. Go on a MAJOR trip. To Paris. To Egypt. To Dubai.

We went on a trip like that over Thanksgiving and we got good deals on airfare and lodging, maybe in part because most Americans wouldn’t be going abroad at that time.

honestly, go on a cool trip and invite and pay for the sons and girlfriends. that may make them spend the holiday with you.

but yeah, you set the example that it was ok to prioritize mom's family, so...you may reap what you sowed.

Don’t go on a little trip. Go on a MAJOR trip. To Paris. To Egypt. To Dubai.

We went on a trip like that over Thanksgiving and we got good deals on airfare and lodging, maybe in part because most Americans wouldn’t be going abroad at that time.

Just wait. I don't think it's as bad as you're painting. I invite everyone to our Christmas so that my parents nor inlaws are left out. We're both only children, so it just wasn't fair for us to travel. That being said, 1 hour away inlaws don't come.

You’re a grown woman, what difference does it make which day you celebrate? I’ll never understand people who need to celebrate holidays and birthdays on THE day.

You were lucky to have them return home as long as they did. Agree with other pps to start your own new Xmas tradition of travel, a gathering of friends, or volunteering.

You don't have any other relatives to celebrate with?

New traditions will develop, and new things to look forward to.

Remember their job at this age is to expand their world - occasionally that will be painful for you, but it is natural and good for them in the long run.

Be a source of warmth, support and positivity for them whenever you can, and trust that is enough.

Make a new Christmas tradition. If it is fun and tropical they may start wanting in. Ha!

Start a new tradition. Go on a trip.

OP, one way to think of it, you really only have to get-through 24 hours. That's the hard part. From about 3pm Christmas Eve till 3pm Christmas Day. Then Christmas is over. Plan a special dinner out Christmas Eve. Plan another special meal out Christmas Day. Done. Make your restaurant reservations in Sept/Oct ... don't wait to see. Make them. Cancel if other plans develop. Or go on a trip.

It is true that, because women generally make the plans, their families will get priority on the major holidays.

But that doesn't mean that you'll never have them for Christmas morning, or maybe you can go there Christmas morning sometimes.

Also, I just thought of something. They're just 23 and 25 with girlfriends, so the girlfriends are still "going home" themselves. Whomever your sons marry, and if they eventually have children, at some point they'll want to have Christmas in their own houses. That gives you more opportunities to be included there -- especially if your daughters-in-law have their own siblings, than her parents are also going to be visiting their other grandchildren some years.

--son with two brothers / father of three girls

I am being mindful to create my own life and interests with my SO for this exact reason.

Yeah, the girls call the shots in these things. You did it yourself back in the day.

We have 2 boys. They are 23 and 25.

This was the first holiday season where both were in long-term relationships. As such, they both celebrated the holidays with their respective partner's families.

I always heard the "a son is a son until he takes a wife. a daughter is a daughter for life" saying but thought no, no, not my boys because we were such a close, tight-knit family.

We celebrated Christmas with the youngest the week before because he wanted to celebrate with his girlfriend at her parent's house and then they went skiing for the new year. We celebrated Christmas over New Year's weekend with the oldest and his girlfriend.

Christmas morning was so hard for me. It didn't feel like the holiday at all. A friend suggested, if the boys also opt for celebrating with their girlfriends in the future, that DH and I do something fun on our own, like a little trip.

Or perhaps make plans with another solo couple we know. I guess I underestimated how hard it would be this past year. Does it get easier?

I wish I could go back and be more equal with my own MIL. I'm ashamed that for most years I can remember, we celebrated the holiday with my parents and then celebrated before or after with DH's parents. I asked DH if that upset him at the time or now and he claims no because guys don't care about holidays the way women do.