I agree that it will probably be hard to find someone to do those things.

But, you could look into something like Freshly to deliver meals. They are prepared and all you need to do is heat them up in the microwave.

Agree with other posters that getting someone for those hours will be difficult. We started with 6 hours daily with an agency and even that was hard to staff consistently, particularly when the regular person called out. But finding an agency for four hour shifts a few times a week is probably your best option for in-home care. They can do light housekeeping, cooking, bathing, etc. but sometimes someone will call out and it may be tough to find a back up.

If you’re just interested in the meals, we’ve used Freshly for meal delivery.

Anonymous wrote:She may be at the edge of independent vs assisted living. Help with the bath, points toward assisted, but everything else points to an independent living place that has meals and cleaning service.

I would check out places that offer continuing care.

In the mean time, check out meals on wheels and Care.com.

OP mentioned that the mother needs someone to pick up after her and can't unload the dishwasher. This is someone who is within the range of AL. She is on the higher functioning end, but I would not say she is independent living material. One fall, surgery, stressful life event if she doesn't believe in therapy and self-care or whatever could cause a decline rapidly where life will be much easier if she is already in AL and can transition wherever when needed. It's easier to recover when you are somewhere where you already have friends and favorite staff members and you know what food to order and all they have to do is provide more supports. I will say what OP describes is beyond paying someone to come in a few hours a day unless you pay a very high amount per hour. You'd be surprised how much some people pay just to have someone visit their dog, play with it, feed it and walk it while they are at work. That is a million times easier than making meals, bathing someone, doing light housework and worrying about something going wrong.

She may be at the edge of independent vs assisted living. Help with the bath, points toward assisted, but everything else points to an independent living place that has meals and cleaning service.

I would check out places that offer continuing care.

In the mean time, check out meals on wheels and Care.com.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses. I agree that now would be a good time to move to assisted living, but I have other family members not on the same page. Just trying to explore what might be out there.

The family members who think there's something better out there can be the ones to find it. Or really, to learn it doesn't exist.

This. It's unrealistic and some of the ideas on here are people who either have never been down this road or who must live in rural areas in the 50s. You cannot hire somebody to make her meals unless it is a professional chef or something. Don't take advantage of the housekeeper who may not know these rules. You are putting that person in a terrible situation because there are regulations. It's not the same as a neighbor who brings you a meal when you are going through chemo. The housekeeper is not the person to give her baths. Many SAHMs don't need to money and those who do can find much easier gigs where they don't have to bathe someone and get their own insurance in case anything happens. Former teachers often tutor for good pay. I know someone paid to pick up an easy kid from school and watch him for an hour with her kids. People have side gigs just being a friend to a lonely elderly person and checking in without cooking, cleaning or bathing. Also, people so often underestimate the amount of work and the needs of the older person. Let the siblings who think this is no big deal come into town for a few weeks and attend to mom themselves to get a better understanding.

Also, I forgot the most important part. Did you mention if she is difficult? If that is the case, all bets are off. It will be a revolving door of people quitting and you have to worry about her setting off retaliation with no witnesses. In a facility, they have team meetings and figure out what works for the difficult ones (in addition to making sure they are properly medicated). They can change off people and keep mixing it up. Even if they are understaffed, it's a better situation than a woman alone with your mom as your mom pushes every button, and acts like an entitled nut (sorry...that one is personal).

What about talking to the cleaning lady? She could come in a few more times a week, bring or make food, and your mom is already comfortable with her.

You could look into meals on wheels for meal delivery.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses. I agree that now would be a good time to move to assisted living, but I have other family members not on the same page. Just trying to explore what might be out there.

The family members who think there's something better out there can be the ones to find it. Or really, to learn it doesn't exist.

Thank you for the responses. I agree that now would be a good time to move to assisted living, but I have other family members not on the same page. Just trying to explore what might be out there.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know where to look for care. Any suggestions?

A meal service to drop off food 3 times a week. They can re-heat, but it is difficult for my mom to prepare dinners.

A once a week person to help with self care (bath, wash and style hair)

Someone to come in for 1-2 hours a day or every other day to pick up after them (not clean, she has cleaning lady). Laundry, empty dishwasher, etc.

Anyone else been in this situation that parents still want to remain in home, but can't do it all themselves and working adult children can help some but live too far away to do it everyday?

You will not find this. At least, you will not find anyone willing to come in for 1-2 hours worth of pay. You'd have to pay for at least 4 hours at the going rate (typically at least $25-30/hr) and if you want them to leave after just 1-2 hours that's fine...but you still have to pay the full amount.
If you insist on your mother remaining in her home, your best bet is to find an agency that will send someone for 4 hours a day (that's the minimum.) The good thing about that is, as your mom's needs increase, you will already have an established relationship with this agency and they can just provide more hours of coverage.

But I agree with the posters above me that say an assisted living facility is better.

Anonymous wrote:It’ll be hard to find someone to come in for 1-2 hours a day. I’ve been trying to find a helper and the minimum seems to be 4 hours. Maybe try to find a local college student or a stay at home mom who may be interested?

If you’re having someone come every day you could have that same person bring meals and assist with the bathing, etc (maybe for a longer period those days).

The person cannot just make and bring meals because there are regulations for this unless you are a family member. The kitchen has to be inspected. Some states require you use a commercial kitchen. A SAHM or college student is not likely to be bonded and insured and they get sick and won't have back up. "Assisting with bathing" carries liability issues. Do you really want someone with no background check helping your mom when she has no clothes on? What will you do if the person quits? There are so many pitfalls here and 9 times out of 10 families underestimate the needs of the parent.

You really need a professional to assess and honestly it makes life easier for everyone when they get established at a place that can manage the situation the whole time through. You want her to start there when she can make friends. Once they get sucked into a aging in place money machine by an agency, it becomes impossible to move them and it will end up being way more of a burden for you. Aging in place may be great for those who stay cognitively and physically fit until the end, but doesn't sound like this will be the case.

It’ll be hard to find someone to come in for 1-2 hours a day. I’ve been trying to find a helper and the minimum seems to be 4 hours. Maybe try to find a local college student or a stay at home mom who may be interested?

If you’re having someone come every day you could have that same person bring meals and assist with the bathing, etc (maybe for a longer period those days).

You need an assisted living. It's much more fun dining in a place with all different foods and friends. Don't get suckered into these ageing in place scams where they promise you everything. They contract with a bunch of unreliable companies and the elder ends up lonely and isolated and you end up with high blood pressure from all the no-shows, late shows and quitting.

Just a comment re: meals. They could have been buying frozen lasagna. Tons of microwave/oven entries available. Open a bag of salad greens. Heat up a can of vegetables. Eat a piece of fruit. So clearly they are more picky than this?

I don't know where to look for care. Any suggestions?

A meal service to drop off food 3 times a week. They can re-heat, but it is difficult for my mom to prepare dinners.

A once a week person to help with self care (bath, wash and style hair)

Someone to come in for 1-2 hours a day or every other day to pick up after them (not clean, she has cleaning lady). Laundry, empty dishwasher, etc.

Anyone else been in this situation that parents still want to remain in home, but can't do it all themselves and working adult children can help some but live too far away to do it everyday?