Anonymous wrote:My mom would openly mock me when I asked a question that she deemed too stupid to answer, which was most of the time. A very common refrain was: how come you're asking such a dumb question? So by the time I was teen I had stopped asking questions, about anything.

Ironically she was also extremely generous with her time and labor. Her love language was acts of service and she did it outstandingly all her life.

She was a riddle to me for 40 plus years. She was certainly kind hearted, but also emotionally cruel.

Trauma. She was likely treated the same way.

It's hard to end cycles like that. It takes a lot of self reflection and biting your tongue to end the cycle.

No but parents aren't perfect. Do you have kids of your own? Having my own kids has made me forgive my parents for so much.

When my 3rd was born she was so deliciously chubby. Her thighs were amazing. Out of love someone said she was "chonky" and so the older kids called her "chonks" for a year. She's 18 months and dh and I just nipped it in the bud. No one means anything cruel by the name, but yeah- referring to someone's weight isn't nice. But I can see how nicknames start and it's hard to end them. I still adore her rolls even though she's likely going to be a string bean like my older kids.

These are really nasty ways to treat children. My mother and I are estranged. She doesn't get to see her grandchildren any more.

OP all this is fairly standard stuff. Parents who have kids when they are young are often worse than older parents.

Are you Asian OP? Apparently it's pretty common for chinese parents to do that, and my parents did the exact same thing to me. Not that it makes it ok

Op, I realized how truly terrible my parents were only when I had my own kids.

Thanks for the affirmation. It didn't really even dawn on me that ... I could be upset about these things until just now. Because they were "just teasing" and "doing it out of love" ... well, bullshirt. It hurt me!

Oh well, I appreciate the good feedback.

OP, these things are unkind and absolutely had a negative impact on you. It's interesting how sometimes it takes us years to realize these things though. You just normalize because you were a child when it started so it can take time and exposure to lots of other people, or maybe even having your own kids, for it to finally dawn on you that your parents' behavior was dysfunctional, even abusive.

I have this story about an incident that happened with I was about 4 years old that resulted in a doctor's visit, that for years my family told as a joke about me. The joke was supposed to be that I was a liar, or alternatively that I was manipulative. For years I internalized that as a story about what a bad kid I was, and how patient my parents were.

It finally dawned on me like 10 years ago that it's actually a story about an extremely young child who was exhibiting anxiety or some other mental health issue, and instead of getting it treated, my parents downplayed it and rejected medical advice, and then created a story that was told by all family members for decades after about what a bad kid I was. It's a story about parental neglect. I was 4! I wasn't lying or manipulating anyone, I had zero context for what was happening and was being left to my own devices to solve a problem and then when I finally went to my parents asking for help, they made fun of me. It's actually are ally f**ked up story. But I didn't figure that out until I was like 32 and was telling it to someone else and instead of laughing they just had questions and a sort of upset look on their face. And now as a parent I can't believe that was my experience as a kid. The idea of doing that to one of my kids when they were 4... it's impossible to imagine, really.

Sorry, op. Only with time, maturity and reflection can we sometimes see the bad things people did to us in the past.

I’ve only recently realized that my mom has never once apologized for anything she’s done. I don’t know why, but I I’ve never once heard her apologize and take responsibility. I now try very hard to make sure I provide sincere apologies especially to my kids. The best we can sometimes do is learn how actions of others affected you and work to not do the same to others.

Pp here to add that dd recently saw a photo of me from college and was horrified at how bony I was. She said it was scary. But in my mind I was the perfect weight/size.

My parents/family were the same way. Mostly it was my dad, but my mom never put a stop to it and my sisters participated because they could. I have body dysmorphia because of my childhood experiences. Dad used to make me do sit-ups around age 10-11 because I was going through a chubby faze (puberty). When I grew between ages 11-14 I didn’t gain any weight, which meant I ended up at 5’6” and 88lbs. Stayed under 100lbs until college. When I came home for Christmas after my first semester away, dad commented on my weight gain (I put on 8lbs so weighed 105lbs) and accused me of eating too much pizza. I in fact was NOT eating pizza. Quite the opposite. I was eating one meal a day, drinking lots of coffee and smoking lots of cigarettes.

Anyway, I’m now a normal weight, and after two kids wear a size 4 (usually). I look at photos of myself now and think I look fat and disgusting. I don’t vocalize these thoughts because I have two tween/teen daughters who I want to protect from body image issues. I rarely speak to my parents now, and they haven’t seen my kids since pre-COVID and I’m fine with that. Older dd is at the age where she is very sensitive about her looks and I don’t want my dad saying anything that will make a lasting negative impression.

My mom makes jokes all the time about “wow you don’t seem so smart” when I’ve done something or said something “smart”. Did it when I was a kid and still does it now. I only realized recently in my 40s how emotionally immature she is.
My family also spells my nickname wrong no matter how many times I ask them to spell it the right way (a nickname that my parents gave me when I was probably a baby).
It’s eye opening to realize how damaging these things are.

My mom would openly mock me when I asked a question that she deemed too stupid to answer, which was most of the time. A very common refrain was: how come you're asking such a dumb question? So by the time I was teen I had stopped asking questions, about anything.

Ironically she was also extremely generous with her time and labor. Her love language was acts of service and she did it outstandingly all her life.

She was a riddle to me for 40 plus years. She was certainly kind hearted, but also emotionally cruel.

No, these things were not nice and quite insensitive. We should build up our kids self esteem (not BS them...) and also not tear them down. My family did some similar things, highly critical, and over time I've realized this is where my perfectionism comes from.

My parents
1) used to (and sometimes still do) point out that my nose is big and make fun of my nose
2) used to call me a silly name that I did not like, and made it clear that I did not like (mostly when I was under 10). They used this name for years. When I've complained about it they downplayed it and said they did it out of love and affection to bring me out of my bad mood.
3) my mom never fails to mention my weight in a sideways manner - I'm a normal weight, not overweight, but I'm not skinny like she is. She always comments when I'm thinner about how good I look ... or will comment on other people's bodies.


I'm just realizing now how insesitive and mean this was. Am I right? Those things aren't nice, are they? Normal? Does your mom r dad do this to you?