Um, can you clarify how your husband helps, directly? Can you clarify how you help, directly? Because unless I missed something, your husband does literally nothing to help, and neither do you, so he has absolutely no leg to stand on in thinking SIL2 should "step in and help" when he himself doesn't lift a damn finger, and neither do you.

OP here -

He did, on and off for about 10 years. He lived at home occasionally to help before I met him and while my MIL only had episodes every now and then (maybe once a month or so), he would be there to hold MIL's hand and take her to the hospital. He helped significantly with bills and paid rent while my FIL went down from two incomes to once. Before SIL1 moved in, my husband would go over if my FIL was out of town and he would check on MIL and bring her food. He doesn't anymore since BIL1 and SIL1 has moved in.

I would like to help. But I have a small child and am alone myself when my husband is gone - I don't have any local siblings and one of my parents is deceased, the other is disabled and lives with their spouse. I can help with finding resources for caregiving or discussing, finding an estate planner or applying for benefits. I can't really help with any hands on caregiving, I have no one who could watch my son when my husband is gone.

You all need to sit down and hash this out, OP. Most likely, they need to hire caregivers and find their own place to live. Moving MIL to a rural area isn’t a great idea *unless* there is outstanding medical care nearby - usually not the case, but there are are exceptions.

Generally, too much is being expected of the women in this situation.

The last thing that anyone should want is for someone who doesn't want to be a caregiver, to be taking care of their mother.

Hire someone. Give your sister in law a break. (This person married into the family, I think - isn't the daughter?)

This is a terrible situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

OP here -

It's a suggestion my husband has thrown out. I think he feels like SIL2 (and BIL2) should help since they lived the closest and MIL provided full-time care to her kids before they went to school, neither had to go to daycare. There's actually currently *zero* pressure on SIL2 from my FIL or anyone in the family, it hasn't been formally discussed at all.

Why would the expectation be that *she* help when they *both* benefitted from the free childcare.

What is your husband, BIL1, and BIL2 doing to help? Or is this viewed as purely a woman’s responsibility??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

OP here -

It's a suggestion my husband has thrown out. I think he feels like SIL2 (and BIL2) should help since they lived the closest and MIL provided full-time care to her kids before they went to school, neither had to go to daycare. There's actually currently *zero* pressure on SIL2 from my FIL or anyone in the family, it hasn't been formally discussed at all.

Let me get this straight: your husband doesn't do anything to help, and he's pointing fingers saying someone else should help? Um...

MIL taking care of her grandchildren by SIL2 was her decision, yes? She made that decision while of sound mind and body, yes? That's great. That has ZERO to do with circumstances now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

OP here -

It's a suggestion my husband has thrown out. I think he feels like SIL2 (and BIL2) should help since they lived the closest and MIL provided full-time care to her kids before they went to school, neither had to go to daycare. There's actually currently *zero* pressure on SIL2 from my FIL or anyone in the family, it hasn't been formally discussed at all.

MIl and FIL pay to have caregivers come in when he needs respite.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has multiple chronic, neurological health issues that prevent her from being alone for any extended period of time. Her issues impact her balance, memory, coordination and central nervous system. She has frequent falls, episodes of dizziness and cannot remember when to take her medication. She is very underweight and will have prolonged periods of nausea and vomiting that often require hospitalizations to get her neurological activity and vomiting under control. She has an order from her physician not to drive. She should not be in the care of young children by herself. She does have good days where she is fully functional, but her flareups can be severe and overall cannot be left alone overnight. She has not worked in over a decade due to her disability.

The issue:
MIL cannot be left alone and her husband (FIL) likes to go out of town frequently on recreational trips. FIL has been relying on SIL1 for caregiving help but SIL1 is not happy about it and refuses to do so any longer. FIL will not give up his recreational trips. Both are coming to a head. There is no plan for what to do if MIL requires long-term care in 10 or so years from now. FIL is spending plenty of money on projects on his second property to upgrade building structures, etc and will be away for several nights at a time while MIL remains at home with SIL1 filling in as the caregiver. FIL has the funds and resources to relocate, All of his sons would help him move if needed to his second property.

The backstory:
FIL and MIL sold their home for far under value approx. 1 year ago to my BIL1 and SIL1. They sold the home for far under value because it required multiple renovations and issues that needed to be fixed. My MIL and FIL still live in the house with BIL1 and SIL1. BIL1 works out of state for multiple months per year. SIL1 does not work and held various jobs in the serving and entertainment industry. They are in their 40's. The deal was my MIL and FIL would move out of the house and relocate to their second property, about 1.5hrs away in a rural area. FIL and MIL have not, they state they cannot because of MIL's doctor appts. Yet, there is medical care in the rural area and specialists, but the belief if FIL (who is recently retired) misses his social life and MIL misses her family. Their retirement plan was always to move to their rural property, but come retirement they have not made concrete plans to do so since this plan was put into action.

The family:
SIL1 is becoming resentful at being the default caregiver when FIL leaves town. She enjoyed a lifestyle before of travel and leisure before moving in. BIL1 and SIL1 do not have children. She is very upset that she and her husband (BIL1) bought the home with the promise MIL and FIL would move out, but they have not. They did offer MIL and FIL to stay once or twice a month and that there would "always be space for them", but MIL and FIL spend 75% of their time at (what is now) SIL1 and BIL1's home. SIL1 is considering divorce if BIL1 is not straightforward with his parents about needing to move out, and SIL1 would certainly be entitled to half the equity in the home which would blow up all plans for MIL and FIL to stay in town every now and then to visit family.

SIL2 lives nearby. MIL cared for her children full-time before they were school aged and before her health issues impacted her driving and safety ability. SIL2 and BIL2 work fulltime. SIL2 has two children and does not help much with MIL. She will call or text SIL1 when MIL has a health crisis to check in. SIL2 and MIL are close, and her children often go over for sleepovers so FIL will watch both her children and MIL at the same time. It can be a very full house.

I live 20 minutes away with my husband, who works with BIL1 in the construction industry. They both frequently take out of state bids and will be away for a month or two at a time supervising projects. My husband and I have one child together. I am a social worker and am happy to help with locating resources, POA's, elder law attorneys but no one is asking for my help and I am not going to offer unsolicited advice in case I come across as meddling but this keeps coming up and I really wish they would sort out a plan.

My husband thinks SIL2 should step in and help. I think FIL should give up his recreational trips and move to his property, move MIL's care team to the rural area where there is support and resources and she doesn't have to sit in a car for 1.5-2hrs at a time during their trips from back and forth from both houses. No one wants to budge.

Um, can you clarify how your husband helps, directly? Can you clarify how you help, directly? Because unless I missed something, your husband does literally nothing to help, and neither do you, so he has absolutely no leg to stand on in thinking SIL2 should "step in and help" when he himself doesn't lift a damn finger, and neither do you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Nobody gets to decide for another person that they should be a care-giver.

You are, however, welcome to volunteer to do the job yourself.

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

Since you're so concerned you and your dh should take MIL in and assume all care for her. Is that the answer you wanted to hear?

I think she needs professional caregivers.

My MIL has multiple chronic, neurological health issues that prevent her from being alone for any extended period of time. Her issues impact her balance, memory, coordination and central nervous system. She has frequent falls, episodes of dizziness and cannot remember when to take her medication. She is very underweight and will have prolonged periods of nausea and vomiting that often require hospitalizations to get her neurological activity and vomiting under control. She has an order from her physician not to drive. She should not be in the care of young children by herself. She does have good days where she is fully functional, but her flareups can be severe and overall cannot be left alone overnight. She has not worked in over a decade due to her disability.

The issue:
MIL cannot be left alone and her husband (FIL) likes to go out of town frequently on recreational trips. FIL has been relying on SIL1 for caregiving help but SIL1 is not happy about it and refuses to do so any longer. FIL will not give up his recreational trips. Both are coming to a head. There is no plan for what to do if MIL requires long-term care in 10 or so years from now. FIL is spending plenty of money on projects on his second property to upgrade building structures, etc and will be away for several nights at a time while MIL remains at home with SIL1 filling in as the caregiver. FIL has the funds and resources to relocate, All of his sons would help him move if needed to his second property.

The backstory:
FIL and MIL sold their home for far under value approx. 1 year ago to my BIL1 and SIL1. They sold the home for far under value because it required multiple renovations and issues that needed to be fixed. My MIL and FIL still live in the house with BIL1 and SIL1. BIL1 works out of state for multiple months per year. SIL1 does not work and held various jobs in the serving and entertainment industry. They are in their 40's. The deal was my MIL and FIL would move out of the house and relocate to their second property, about 1.5hrs away in a rural area. FIL and MIL have not, they state they cannot because of MIL's doctor appts. Yet, there is medical care in the rural area and specialists, but the belief if FIL (who is recently retired) misses his social life and MIL misses her family. Their retirement plan was always to move to their rural property, but come retirement they have not made concrete plans to do so since this plan was put into action.

The family:
SIL1 is becoming resentful at being the default caregiver when FIL leaves town. She enjoyed a lifestyle before of travel and leisure before moving in. BIL1 and SIL1 do not have children. She is very upset that she and her husband (BIL1) bought the home with the promise MIL and FIL would move out, but they have not. They did offer MIL and FIL to stay once or twice a month and that there would "always be space for them", but MIL and FIL spend 75% of their time at (what is now) SIL1 and BIL1's home. SIL1 is considering divorce if BIL1 is not straightforward with his parents about needing to move out, and SIL1 would certainly be entitled to half the equity in the home which would blow up all plans for MIL and FIL to stay in town every now and then to visit family.

SIL2 lives nearby. MIL cared for her children full-time before they were school aged and before her health issues impacted her driving and safety ability. SIL2 and BIL2 work fulltime. SIL2 has two children and does not help much with MIL. She will call or text SIL1 when MIL has a health crisis to check in. SIL2 and MIL are close, and her children often go over for sleepovers so FIL will watch both her children and MIL at the same time. It can be a very full house.

I live 20 minutes away with my husband, who works with BIL1 in the construction industry. They both frequently take out of state bids and will be away for a month or two at a time supervising projects. My husband and I have one child together. I am a social worker and am happy to help with locating resources, POA's, elder law attorneys but no one is asking for my help and I am not going to offer unsolicited advice in case I come across as meddling but this keeps coming up and I really wish they would sort out a plan.

My husband thinks SIL2 should step in and help. I think FIL should give up his recreational trips and move to his property, move MIL's care team to the rural area where there is support and resources and she doesn't have to sit in a car for 1.5-2hrs at a time during their trips from back and forth from both houses. No one wants to budge.