My siblings say our parents were good and I don't comment. You be the judge: dad- in and out of our lives, unfaithful to our mom, beat us with a belt, yelled at us, called us "idiots", "morons" and "worthless". But he was at other times fun, funny, affectionate, took us fishing, extremely intelligent and filled the house with books. Mom- high functioning alcoholic, put up with dad's cheating, neglected some of us, spoiled others, told me "if I knew you'd be this way I would've had an abortion" (I was 12), hit some of us. But she was a wonderful cook, she made holidays and birthdays special and fun, she was beautiful and charming and she loved us kids. I don't join the "great childhood" conversation and I don't tell them I still take exception to the way we were treated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling has a bit of a victim complex and blames our parents for things that are objectively normal childhood experiences. For example, they say they have abandonment issues because our parents would drop us off at sports practices and then use the time to run errands, and return at pick up (as opposed to watching the practice). This may not be the norm now on all teams, but it was at the time. They also allege that the experience of having braces gave them medical trauma because they didn't have enough autonomy.

We had very similar experiences and I don't see it the same way. We had every opportunity in sports and camps, parents paid to make sure we had good teeth, nice clothes, among other things.

I think part of it is bad therapists and part of it is brain chemistry. My sibling has always been intrinsically unsatisfied and unhappy, and when they have sought therapy it has been with people who say poor you, this was all done to you and look to blame childhood instead of a CBT model or looking to change their perspective now.

So true! Put together a bad therapist and a victim-mentality patient and you'll be blamed for life.

NP. Sounds like half of posters in the Family Relationships forum.

Anonymous wrote:My sibling has a bit of a victim complex and blames our parents for things that are objectively normal childhood experiences. For example, they say they have abandonment issues because our parents would drop us off at sports practices and then use the time to run errands, and return at pick up (as opposed to watching the practice). This may not be the norm now on all teams, but it was at the time. They also allege that the experience of having braces gave them medical trauma because they didn't have enough autonomy.

We had very similar experiences and I don't see it the same way. We had every opportunity in sports and camps, parents paid to make sure we had good teeth, nice clothes, among other things.

I think part of it is bad therapists and part of it is brain chemistry. My sibling has always been intrinsically unsatisfied and unhappy, and when they have sought therapy it has been with people who say poor you, this was all done to you and look to blame childhood instead of a CBT model or looking to change their perspective now.

So true! Put together a bad therapist and a victim-mentality patient and you'll be blamed for life.

In my family's case, 3 of us would agree that our parents did the best they could. Not the ideal, but definitely not terrible. 1 would say that one of the parents was abusive. That sibling has mental illness and does not speak with most of the family.

In my DH's case, his sister thinks that their parents hung the moon. They heavily favored her and continue to do so. My DH is fine with them but not super close.

I have a child with special needs and a child without.
If the former were to say that we were too strict with him, and the latter were to say that we spent too much time dealing with his needs, that would all be perfectly true. I parent the child I have, not the child I wish to have. Thus, my two children had/have two different methods of parenting. I did, and continue to do, my ever-loving best, and when conflicts arise I explain my reasoning and invite them to propose better solutions. We operate as a team and everyone gets to weigh in, but I make the executive decisions.

All this to say that there can be legitimate reasons why siblings have different upbringings and therefore different opinions on their parents.

We were very good parents and all of our kids agree on that.

My sibling and I were parented very differently. She got expensive colleges, I got cheap ones. I had to do a lot of the housework/cooking, she never had to lift a finger. She got what ever she wanted and I got her handy downs or went without as I knew there was no point in asking. Parents took all my babysitting and summer job money to save it... I never got spending money, she did.

If I were someone who thought that, I would make more an effort to understand the reasons, and consider that there might be things that happened that I don't know about.

I think siblings do have different experiences even with the same parents, especially if there's an age gap, because their life circumstances are so different. One might get young, healthier, broker, inexperienced parents, and the other might get older, wealthier, less stressed parents. Or whatever. Don't be so quick to think you're right and your siblings are wrong. And don't ask questions unless you're 100% certain you really want the answer.

My husband and his sister would 100% say "not played favorites". It screwed them both up and messed with their relationship for a long time.

Mine were great. My siblings agree, although my youngest sister (7 years younger than me) doesn't like how "late" she was born. She didn't have as much time with the grandparents.

In my case it's because I know a lot more about their divorce and the reasons for it than my younger siblings do. And I don't really want to clue them in, but the alternative is them judging me for being more distant.

Anonymous wrote:Not played favorites.

This exactly. Playing favorites is detrimental in so many ways

My sibling has a bit of a victim complex and blames our parents for things that are objectively normal childhood experiences. For example, they say they have abandonment issues because our parents would drop us off at sports practices and then use the time to run errands, and return at pick up (as opposed to watching the practice). This may not be the norm now on all teams, but it was at the time. They also allege that the experience of having braces gave them medical trauma because they didn't have enough autonomy.

We had very similar experiences and I don't see it the same way. We had every opportunity in sports and camps, parents paid to make sure we had good teeth, nice clothes, among other things.

I think part of it is bad therapists and part of it is brain chemistry. My sibling has always been intrinsically unsatisfied and unhappy, and when they have sought therapy it has been with people who say poor you, this was all done to you and look to blame childhood instead of a CBT model or looking to change their perspective now.

My sister didn't follow rules and got punished for that, and then got upset that I didn't agree that our parents were strict. We had the same rules - I just followed them (or didn't get caught when I broke them) and she didn't.

But when I'd break a rule I'd just quietly go do it and not tell anyone. She'd announce it, write it out, leave clues, brag about it - twice that I know of she even outted herself to our parents when they were confronting her about a different rule she'd broken.

Not played favorites.

What was the main factor that causes you all to disagree? What could your parents have done differently that may have made each of you feel and agree upon their parenting?