Would she balk at an independent living facility? She also needs OT to help her figure out how to do things without vision.

While your mother can still see, I would suggest she look at retirement homes. Remind her if a medical event occurs (a broken hip), you can make a decision, but would prefer to have her input. Are you visiting soon? Set up a tour at a few places and let her rank them. Pacify her with the thought it will make your life easier knowing her preferences IF a retirement home is needed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I know you didn’t ask for it, but the reality is that eventually she’ll realize you’re serious and then she will agree to move closer to you. Even in an assisted care place so you ca visit her often.

This. You just have to let things play out. Give her a very boring winter and she may come around. It takes a while for reality to get through wishful thinking.

Thank you. My DH said something similar and I think this is the correct/only approach. She lives in the Upper Midwest and winter will certainly be dull and restrictive.

I would also let it play out but know that chances are there will be a big event (fall or accident being most likely) that will change the circumstances significantly and with little warning. I would start looking at assisted living places near you and go on some tours. Figure out which one is best and fits your Mom's potential budget and what the wait list situation might be. Keep reminding your Mother that you will not be moving and she needs to think about her next steps.

OP here. Yes, I’m terrified about falls on ice/snow especially because she has a long pattern of downplaying mishaps at home since my dad died 15 years ago. I usually only find out the truth when she’s been discharged from her latest PT cycle. I’ve tried over the years to put together an actual plan beyond medical POA and a living will and some other legal stuff, but my mom insists that the social worker calling from the ER is a perfectly good plan. In fact she even said “when it comes to that point, it’ll be your problem, not mine.” I could cry but I feel emptied out inside.

I am concerned about the budget issue. Real estate here (and presumably assisted living) are 3x the cost of her area. I have several tours of local places by me schedule for January. It’s all made more complicated because my mom lived in an apartment possibly for 2 years and 60 years ago and insists she won’t live anywhere with shared walls, floors or ceilings and that it just be walkable.

I think you're looking at hiring extensive in-home help versus assisted living. But she's going to have to come to that realization on her own, unfortunately. With her permission you could reach out to her primary care physician and ask for local recommendations for services that can help and are covered by insurance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I know you didn’t ask for it, but the reality is that eventually she’ll realize you’re serious and then she will agree to move closer to you. Even in an assisted care place so you ca visit her often.

This. You just have to let things play out. Give her a very boring winter and she may come around. It takes a while for reality to get through wishful thinking.

Thank you. My DH said something similar and I think this is the correct/only approach. She lives in the Upper Midwest and winter will certainly be dull and restrictive.

I would also let it play out but know that chances are there will be a big event (fall or accident being most likely) that will change the circumstances significantly and with little warning. I would start looking at assisted living places near you and go on some tours. Figure out which one is best and fits your Mom's potential budget and what the wait list situation might be. Keep reminding your Mother that you will not be moving and she needs to think about her next steps.

This. I would research places close to you and let her know that if she doesn’t start researching places in her hometown, your research will be limited to what you can actually accomplish. If there’s a huge cost difference, then maybe you can help her research places in her area *if* you have the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I know you didn’t ask for it, but the reality is that eventually she’ll realize you’re serious and then she will agree to move closer to you. Even in an assisted care place so you ca visit her often.

This. You just have to let things play out. Give her a very boring winter and she may come around. It takes a while for reality to get through wishful thinking.

Thank you. My DH said something similar and I think this is the correct/only approach. She lives in the Upper Midwest and winter will certainly be dull and restrictive.

I would also let it play out but know that chances are there will be a big event (fall or accident being most likely) that will change the circumstances significantly and with little warning. I would start looking at assisted living places near you and go on some tours. Figure out which one is best and fits your Mom's potential budget and what the wait list situation might be. Keep reminding your Mother that you will not be moving and she needs to think about her next steps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I know you didn’t ask for it, but the reality is that eventually she’ll realize you’re serious and then she will agree to move closer to you. Even in an assisted care place so you ca visit her often.

This. You just have to let things play out. Give her a very boring winter and she may come around. It takes a while for reality to get through wishful thinking.

This. You can hire an aging professional to assess needs in her home if she agrees and has the funds and then have her set up there for now. Don't make things so easy for her she refuses to move to an appropriate setting and prefers you drive yourself nuts helping. If she is like mine, she will take advantage and think it's..."no trouble."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I know you didn’t ask for it, but the reality is that eventually she’ll realize you’re serious and then she will agree to move closer to you. Even in an assisted care place so you ca visit her often.

This. You just have to let things play out. Give her a very boring winter and she may come around. It takes a while for reality to get through wishful thinking.

Thank you. My DH said something similar and I think this is the correct/only approach. She lives in the Upper Midwest and winter will certainly be dull and restrictive.

+1

MIL is finally thinking about giving up her car keys in her 90's with severe macular degeneration, OP. She has no business being on the road, and SIL actually took MIL to renew her license a short time ago when the macular degeneration had already increased considerably. I am glad your mom no longer drives, for her sake, and the sake of the young families on the road. I agree that the rest will play out, and she may concede - IF she is not overly stubborn. MIL is overly stubborn, so getting her to do anything is impossible. If your mom has common sense, she will come around before too long.

Will your mom be able to live with/near you, or does she have a promising set up for old age? MIL has a great set up (better than most retired people), due to FIL, so that has worked out. If only she knew how lucky she really was/is. I am sure your mother will be grateful, when changes are needed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I know you didn’t ask for it, but the reality is that eventually she’ll realize you’re serious and then she will agree to move closer to you. Even in an assisted care place so you ca visit her often.

This. You just have to let things play out. Give her a very boring winter and she may come around. It takes a while for reality to get through wishful thinking.

Thank you. My DH said something similar and I think this is the correct/only approach. She lives in the Upper Midwest and winter will certainly be dull and restrictive.

Anonymous wrote:And I know you didn’t ask for it, but the reality is that eventually she’ll realize you’re serious and then she will agree to move closer to you. Even in an assisted care place so you ca visit her often.

This. You just have to let things play out. Give her a very boring winter and she may come around. It takes a while for reality to get through wishful thinking.

Anonymous wrote:What is it about flying that is such a problem? Besides not seeing well enough to do it independently, obviously.

Macular degeneration that was previously responding to injections is no longer stable. There is a chance that it will decline slightly then stabilize, or respond to a different drug. Or it could just be on permanent decline. But in the meantime, the change in air pressure could cause a rapid decline and take away any chance for future stabilization or improvement with a different drug.

I’m sorry I can’t explain it more clearly, but hopefully you get the gist of it.

And I know you didn’t ask for it, but the reality is that eventually she’ll realize you’re serious and then she will agree to move closer to you. Even in an assisted care place so you ca visit her often.

What is it about flying that is such a problem? Besides not seeing well enough to do it independently, obviously.

Well, her and your goose is cooked. Life will become harder and eldercare is in your future. Welcome to the reality of most middle age people. Sucks. So my condolences. Sorry that this is the truth. Wallow in self-pity for some time and then dust yourself off and figure out your next short and long term tasks.

My mom lives many states away and the drug which stabilized her vision and let her drive and live alone in a big house with a big yard no longer works. Over the past 2-3 months she has gone from fine to not able to write, read, barely watch TV, and definitely not drive. She’s in a suburb with no walkable access to errands and has relied on lyfts.

The decline in vision was rapid and the fact that there were any vision issues at all were kept secret from me until this week. She cannot fly per her doctor because that would exacerbate the current decline; it may be a possibility in the future if it stabilizes or gets so bad that it cannot improve.

So…my life is here a 3 days’ drive from her. She does not want to move, even locally to independent or assisted living. I know in my heart that she believes I will relocate my family and come live in her neighborhood. However, I will not and cannot do that. I’ve said so repeatedly but she truly believes I am going to go back because I should feel it’s my duty.

I don’t need advice on the “I’m not moving back to help you” conversation, but I do need stories about what on earth people do in this situation. I can’t just let a vision-impaired person live alone with few friends (they are acquaintances and she has kept this secret from them from what I gather) and no family (all are dead or relocated) nearby, I can’t fly her out here to live near us, and I don’t know what to do next. I have a in-person job and small children so moving there for 2-3 months to sort things is not a possibility. My dad is long gone and my sibling lives abroad. I’m scared.