It's normal that we will like some family members more than others, and that we might dislike some family members. But an adult should know better than to display blatant favoritism or be unkind to a child.

My grandmother hated me, for no apparent reason. All my life, I tried to understand it, but no one will ever know. It wasn't a gender thing. I'm guessing it was a personality thing. Her favorite grandchild was my cousin who was kind of the opposite of me. I was independent, perceptive, sensitive, followed my own path, in my own world, tomboyish, strong while my cousin was the exact opposite. I think my grandmother needed to feel needed, and she probably misunderstood my lack of people pleasing, perceptiveness, and refusal to be "cute and adorable" as evil. She would literally take my favorite foods off my plate and put it on my sibling's plate, or the clothes out of my closet to give to my cousin.

Do you like everybody? Are there people you like more than others? What are the "petty" things that lead to a clash? Honestly, personalities of kids differ widely. Some kids are difficult to like. Is the grandmother treating the child poorly? Or being mean to the child? That's unacceptable. But it's human nature to admit that you prefer some people over other people.

Is your daughter loud? High energy? Shy? Any of these things can make an older person cranky. Not fair, but answering your questions as to why.

Usually it's a grandparent's controlling personality.

There must be something causing her to have such different reactions to the grandkids.

Yes, you need to say it as simply and directly as you can. Have specific examples at the ready. Be prepared for her to deny it all and attack you. After which, you will decide that some distance is needed.

This is usually how it goes, OP.

Honestly? Fundamental personality defects. Nothing you can say or do to change it (and certainly not something you or your daughter should have to think about). Implement the consequences, stop seeing her, and don’t start again until she acknowledges the wrongdoing and agrees to change her behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd call her out every time she makes her preference known. Every single time.

Sometimes it's just chemistry. But as an adult, she should know better and do better.

+1 I don't know why you 'delicately' point this out to her. I'd be in her face about it.

Yeah, I would not allow her to see my children (any of them) if she is going to treat one like this.

What are the “petty things”?

My aunt was like this. She blantantly favored my older sister over me. Took her on trips and left me at home etc. I don’t know what her deal is. I think some women like to si gel out other women to hate and criticize in order to bond with the others. It’s messed up.

Anonymous wrote:I'd call her out every time she makes her preference known. Every single time.

Sometimes it's just chemistry. But as an adult, she should know better and do better.

+1 I don't know why you 'delicately' point this out to her. I'd be in her face about it.

Sometimes personalities just clash.

That said, if your mother's favoritism is apparent to your kids, you need to stop being so delicate and stand up for your kids. My dad's mom did this -- I could do no wrong, but she was constantly criticizing my brother, and my parents were blunt. They told her if she didn't knock it off, she wasn't going to be seeing either of us and much less of them.

I'd call her out every time she makes her preference known. Every single time.

Sometimes it's just chemistry. But as an adult, she should know better and do better.

My mother intensely dislikes my daughter for the pettiest things, but adores our sons, so it’s not just our family. And she adores my brother’s daughter, who is the same age as my daughter, so it’s not a gender thing. The thing is, her mother, so my grandmother, also had over-the-top favorite grandkids and intense dislike and passive-aggressiveness for certain grandkids, which drove my mom up a wall when we were growing up. When I try to delicately explain how she didn’t like it then, but now she’s doing it, she won’t admit it’s the same. Is this genetic or is there any other explanation? She has turned into her mother after vowing never to.