Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 17:52     Subject: Re:When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
Hey, could people in this thread simply share what they do without putting down what others do? Maybe recognize that people have different relationships with their families and that some people may need to weight a desire to maintain family traditions and connections with their own well being, or to protect their kids from others. I am happy for anyone who has a close and uncomplicated relationship with their parents and siblings, but it's not true for everyone so maybe keep that in mind before telling people that their holiday arrangements are "sad" based on your own assumptions about how other people's families work. It is unkind.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 17:51     Subject: When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
I went home until I got married. Then we went to A home - but alternated families. We started staying at our home once our oldest child understood and was excited about Santa - maybe age 3?

Once our youngest, currently 6, doesn’t believe in Santa anymore we will travel again.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 17:48     Subject: Re:When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
You spent thanksgiving separately and you live in the same town? How sad.
j

+1
I wish we could spend Thanksgiving with parents/siblings, but they are on the west coast and tge older kids just can’t make that happen. I think Thanksgiving is so much more fun with a big group. We just have our four kids and sometimes a bf/gf, and I crave the chaos of a bigger gathering.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:56     Subject: When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
I've always lived close to my parents until this year.

I was with them until I met DH, and since a year or two before we got married we've alternated. I'd say 4/5 years we celebrate Christmas with both sets of grandparents, just not both on Christmas Day. This year we'll travel to both families (they live close to each other now, but not us). Our child has never minded travel.

Thanksgiving in a mish-mash. Since 25 or so, I've hosted probably 4 times, done just nuclear family about 4 times, small with my parents about 3 times, large 3 times, and DH's family maybe twice.

Next year I hope to host everyone for Christmas for the first time!
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:50     Subject: When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
Anonymous wrote:I feel that the first 2 years ish after high school were exciting to come "home for the holidays" because it still felt like my life at that point. After I was more established at school and with my own community, in a relationship, etc., it didn't feel as much like my life. I spent the holidays with my folks pretty much every other year from 22-32. Now we live in the same town and did not spend TG together - my mom and sister had dinner together, and my husband and kids and I had dinner at home by ourselves. We will get together for Christmas, but no one is making a big production of it at this point. We do collectively have a family rule that kids should wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning to the extent possible (e.g., when we lived across the country, that did not happen).

I think your housekeeper's daughter sounds smart. Consider also that when folks at the start of their career show up to work holidays, more established people can stay home and do holidays with their families, at a time when it maybe is more personally important.


You spent thanksgiving separately and you live in the same town? How sad.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:40     Subject: When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
I last went home for thanksgiving my first year of law school. The drive up the eastern seaboard was atrocious and I said never again. The next year I flew to my now husband’s parents’ house with him and we both said never again to that. We’ve hosted Thanksgiving most of the last 20 years for anyone from either side who wants to come. Sometimes we’ve had up to 18, sometimes we’ve had two.

We more or less alternated Christmas until we had an infant then we stayed home the first two Christmases, went to my folks the next two, and have not gone anywhere for Christmas in a decade now.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:31     Subject: Re:When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
I went home for every Thanksgiving and Christmas till around when DH and I got married. I never lived more than around a 6 hour drive from my parents and most years it was closer to 2-3 hours. So it was generally not a big deal to come home. Maybe if I would have had to fly it might have been different.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:31     Subject: Re:When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
Thankfully, we are immigrants and TG and Christmas for us is secular holidays that we celebrate because of our kids.

Right now kids come because they are in late teens and early 20s in college. They are single and they are newly fledged. They still look to us for some nurturing.

Kids will continue coming for holidays even when they get married if a) they live close by, b) they don't want to host, c) our house is comfortable and welcoming to them and their kids, d) it does not clash with their IL hosting, f) they do not have other plans and f) it is easy and less stress for them.

Reading all the threads here, I feel that we need to tamper our expectations and be flexible. What is the end goal anyways? To have some pleasant family time, right? It can happen without TG or Christmas also. We just need to stop putting that pressure on ourselves and our kids.

When I will get too old to cook, I will just order Chinese food. Everyone can have a good time.

Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:30     Subject: Re:When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
I'm not sure why but your title made me feel sad. I'm going to have to disect that later.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:27     Subject: When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
Interesting, I definitely prioritize "going home" to my parent's place for Christmas; I hope to spend Christmas with them until they die and we'll just negotiate the location (sometimes theirs, sometimes mine, sometimes my sister's according to everyone's preferences and ease of travel). Spouse is Jewish so no competition there. I haven't been home for Thanksgiving since high school, though.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:26     Subject: Re:When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
One of my kids is married and they alternate years with each family for Christmas. We've gone to them for alternate Thanksgivings. The other kid is single and usually prefers to come home for holidays but has spent a couple with a girlfriend's family. No grandkids yet so not sure how that will change things.

When my ILs were alive we saw them every Christmas at someone's house (ours or DH's siblings). Everyone was local enough so it was pretty easy. And everyone was in their own home Christmas morning.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:23     Subject: When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
I went home for the holidays up until I met my DH in my late 20s and then spent an xmas with his family after we'd been dating a year. I had a previous serious bf in my early 20s, but we did not spend holidays together (though we lived 3 hours apart)

Now, we still often travel for the holidays. I love xmas, my parents have passed away, but my brother and SIL were the host for xmas dinner anyways growing up (they are older than me, more like uncles). We still go back to their house for xmas with our 2 kids. I don't see family that often anymore unfortunately and it's one of the few times we're all together.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 16:18     Subject: When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
Anonymous wrote:I feel that the first 2 years ish after high school were exciting to come "home for the holidays" because it still felt like my life at that point. After I was more established at school and with my own community, in a relationship, etc., it didn't feel as much like my life. I spent the holidays with my folks pretty much every other year from 22-32. Now we live in the same town and did not spend TG together - my mom and sister had dinner together, and my husband and kids and I had dinner at home by ourselves. We will get together for Christmas, but no one is making a big production of it at this point. We do collectively have a family rule that kids should wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning to the extent possible (e.g., when we lived across the country, that did not happen).

I think your housekeeper's daughter sounds smart. Consider also that when folks at the start of their career show up to work holidays, more established people can stay home and do holidays with their families, at a time when it maybe is more personally important.


Disagree. Consider that more established people are more likely to have local family/friends with whom they can spend the holiday even if they have to work in the surrounding days whereas many new/younger employees may not yet have established roots in their new community and are more likely to be homesick and completely alone over the holidays if denied leave,.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 15:59     Subject: When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
I feel that the first 2 years ish after high school were exciting to come "home for the holidays" because it still felt like my life at that point. After I was more established at school and with my own community, in a relationship, etc., it didn't feel as much like my life. I spent the holidays with my folks pretty much every other year from 22-32. Now we live in the same town and did not spend TG together - my mom and sister had dinner together, and my husband and kids and I had dinner at home by ourselves. We will get together for Christmas, but no one is making a big production of it at this point. We do collectively have a family rule that kids should wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning to the extent possible (e.g., when we lived across the country, that did not happen).

I think your housekeeper's daughter sounds smart. Consider also that when folks at the start of their career show up to work holidays, more established people can stay home and do holidays with their families, at a time when it maybe is more personally important.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2022 15:53     Subject: When did you stop going “home” for holidays…when did your kids?
Until they died, we only went home for Thanksgiving. Also we only had Christmas at our house. They were welcome to come at Christmas, but we were determined to wake up at our home Xmas morning.

Now with a college age daughter who is a sophomore, we figure just a few more years of her coming home. My housekeeper’s graduated in 2021 nurse daughter didn’t come home for either holiday because she could make tons more money working over the holiday.