Anonymous wrote:Simplify it. I started buying store bought prepared things for half of the meal. No one cared or commented, which made me a little mad since I cooked for so many years and it didn’t make a difference. But that’s my issue.

So now I buy what I can, relax part of the day, throw it all in the oven and we even eat on disposable China (nice paper plates) for the big meals. It’s 100% easier when no one is helping.

+1


Don't throw it all away. The memories and gatherings are important, for the kids AND for the adults. But do it in a way that doesn't destroy you. Make some compromises,.get help,buy things, etc.

This year I did a potluck. Hard to coordinate and still a lot of work, but much less pressure.

Op - thanks, all. I also did ask people to help, and got a few plates begrudgingly brought over to the sink, but then they just went back and sat down. Nothing more. I shouldn’t have to nag people to help.

Dh is now super pissed about it all and we’ve decided next year we will travel.

Anonymous wrote:But I hate the reality. I don’t think I can do this again. My husband’s family is always so full of drama and I’m so sick of it. I spent all day cooking and no one budged a muscle to help clean up. I even left the kitchen for a long time hoping they would start the clean up process but no one did, and I really didn’t want to wake up to a mess in the morning so I spent almost 2 hours cleaning everything. I’m done. I am happy for the kids who enjoy being with their cousins but I am done with hosting and dealing with everyone’s crap.

I grew up with huge family thanksgivings on one side and I miss those, because they really made the holiday special for me. My current family isn’t at all the same and I think I’ve decided I would rather travel (which I’ve never done) or just have my immediate family for thanksgiving going forward. Dh and the kids also love travel so I expect they’ll be on board. Dh is also annoyed by his family (and he’s apologized profusely for not helping clean up, to be “fair” he was playing with/dealing with the kids, though he spent most of the day watching the World Cup while I cooked… but I think he’ll basically do whatever I want next year because he knows this isn’t right).

Has anyone else come to the realization that it isn’t what they want and radically changed their family plan? Or do I need to suck it up for the kids to have these “happy childhood thanksgiving memories”?

There was probably a lot of hidden labor and emotional stuff that went into those childhood Thanksgivings that you cherish. My grandmother never complained but I imagine she was exhausted physically and emotionally especially because my family ate late, often at 8 pm. There’s no way that the 8 grandkids all made it from 2-10 pm without meltdowns or that her 4 adult kids didn’t quarrel or snipe. I’m sure her kitchen was a disaster and she stayed up until the wee hours cleaning. Now I realize that it is theater for the sake of the children. I can’t pull it off this gracefully so I don’t try.

I don’t like people helping with the cleanup unless I’m totally exhausted. But when I am, I just say, guys, would you please….and they do it. I’m sorry they didn’t think to do it on their own, but you can ask them to help out!

Hope next year is more enjoyable for you.

Great memories can be made anywhere with anyone. We only had immediate family at all my Thanksgivings growing up and I loved them— so we now do the same. The key to good memories is happiness. If you aren’t happy, there won’t be good memories.

We travel every single Thanksgiving and Christmas and our kids LOVE it. They DO have happy childhood Thanksgiving memories. And they also have happy memories of playing with cousins, just not at these holidays.

FWIW, we do a Friendsgiving the weekend or two prior, and DH and I are not at all shy. "Laura would you mind bringing in the plates? Dan would you put all the used glasses on this counter for me? Thanks!" And we just keep doing that with different people so most everyone has done one "task" and nobody feels put out, yet DH and I get help. And depending how many people we have, we hire catering to do all the cleaning for us.

We skipped going to parents house this year. And we did it at the last minute. People coming over that we were assured that would not be there and they tried to railroad us without telling us.

And it was OK. Hell, it was great.

We made a simple meal the kids loved and they said so.

I feel bad for my wife who longs for traditional holiday meals ....but hates everything about them once they begin.

We've already planned big vacation trips for other holidays with just our family.

Why don’t you have people bringing things? Everyone should be bringing something.

Tell them to help. Everyone should be helping. It's ok to say that.

It’s perfectly fine to have have thanksgiving with ‘just’ your nuclear family. If you don’t enjoy your extend med family, just stop these gatherings- bc you are right, they all a lot of work. It is twice as unpleasant to be be around people you don’t even like much plus have to work your tail off.

Spend your holidays with those you love, enjoy, cherish- whether that is 2 people or 15.

Op - I actually did buy a number of things prepared - stuffing, root veggies, pies… I only made the Turkey, potatoes, green beans, Brussels sprouts & cranberry sauce. But it was still a lot of work and required me being in the kitchen most of the day. I also made breakfast and lunch.

Simplify it. I started buying store bought prepared things for half of the meal. No one cared or commented, which made me a little mad since I cooked for so many years and it didn’t make a difference. But that’s my issue.

So now I buy what I can, relax part of the day, throw it all in the oven and we even eat on disposable China (nice paper plates) for the big meals. It’s 100% easier when no one is helping.

The idea is always better than reality. So why fool ourselves year after year?

Not exactly the same situation, but I was thinking today about how it's frustrating that our Thanksgivings are so far from what we enjoy as a family. No one will travel to us, and we only have one kid so we do feel compelled to travel to others. But our choices are (1) travel far to my family who is absolutely nuts and full of drama with people constantly fighting or refusing to speak to one another, (2) travel a medium distance to my ILs who are much less drama but there are no other kids at this meal and it's just a group of septugenarians and octogenarians talking about which of their friends recently died, or (3) having dinner with friends locally, which is easy and fun but also we always feel like outsiders because it will be like our friends' entire extended family and then the three of us.

We've been opting for my ILs for a while, in part because these relatives are getting older and we do want to make these memories with them while we can. And I don't resent it -- I really value family and I think this time is important. But I also really long for the ability to just host our own Thanksgiving, to make the food we love to make and invite friends and family and really make it "ours". But with families that won't come to us and most friends hosting large thanksgivings with their families, it just doesn't feel possible.

Maybe one of these years will just take trip just the three of us and spend Thanksgiving on a beach somewhere. It's not my dream Thanksgiving but it could feel like it was about our family instead of in service to other people's holidays.

But I hate the reality. I don’t think I can do this again. My husband’s family is always so full of drama and I’m so sick of it. I spent all day cooking and no one budged a muscle to help clean up. I even left the kitchen for a long time hoping they would start the clean up process but no one did, and I really didn’t want to wake up to a mess in the morning so I spent almost 2 hours cleaning everything. I’m done. I am happy for the kids who enjoy being with their cousins but I am done with hosting and dealing with everyone’s crap.

I grew up with huge family thanksgivings on one side and I miss those, because they really made the holiday special for me. My current family isn’t at all the same and I think I’ve decided I would rather travel (which I’ve never done) or just have my immediate family for thanksgiving going forward. Dh and the kids also love travel so I expect they’ll be on board. Dh is also annoyed by his family (and he’s apologized profusely for not helping clean up, to be “fair” he was playing with/dealing with the kids, though he spent most of the day watching the World Cup while I cooked… but I think he’ll basically do whatever I want next year because he knows this isn’t right).

Has anyone else come to the realization that it isn’t what they want and radically changed their family plan? Or do I need to suck it up for the kids to have these “happy childhood thanksgiving memories”?