Anonymous wrote:OP, it costs you nothing to validate your mother’s sadness without interjecting your own opinions to derail it. It’s her mom, and despite her imperfections, she is choosing to remember the good. Smile wistfully, acknowledge her feelings and sadness, and move along.

This is what an adult would do.

Anonymous wrote:When your mom misses her mom, that’s totally understandable to you, so just address that: “I’m sorry, mom. I know you miss her. The holidays can be really tough when the ones we love aren’t around anymore.”

Like, why do you need to bring anything else to that? “Well, you shouldn’t miss her because sometimes she was passive-agressive, and that one time she forgot Carol’s birthday”? Like, what good does that do?

Your mom’s feelings can just exist. You don’t even have to acknowledge them. But you also don’t have to contradict them.

If you want or need to vent about this, clearly your mom is not a safe or appropriate place to do so. Talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or a trusted peer cousin.

This. You don't need to correct your mom when she talks about how great her mother was. Just empathize. Like, why do you feel the need to tell her that you don't actually miss Grandma that much, or that Grandma sometimes threw guilt trips or said mean things? Your mom is not the person to vent to about your grandmother; clearly, she finds it hurtful and feels the need to defend her mother, but what an absolutely crap thing to fight about. Just drop the rope.

OP, it costs you nothing to validate your mother’s sadness without interjecting your own opinions to derail it. It’s her mom, and despite her imperfections, she is choosing to remember the good. Smile wistfully, acknowledge her feelings and sadness, and move along.

Anonymous wrote:Motives? Horrible Person?
How about just dialing-down the drama

+. Also, the post suggesting mom wants OP to be an extension of herself is also trying to escalate the drama. This is not a huge issue. Talk about grandma, or don’t talk about grandma, and let mom know you don’t see eye-to-eye 100% of the time and that’s OK.

Motives? Horrible Person?
How about just dialing-down the drama

I think you are both seeking validation but finding invalidation from each other in perspective regarding grandma. Allow your own perspective to be whole because you know it and allow your moms resistance about her perspective to be her stuff, not something you need to absorb.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just talk with your cousins about grandma. Stop demanding your mother agree with you.

I definitely don’t care. But it’s hard around the holidays when she is missing her mother and wants us all to feel as sad as she does.

I get it. My mom is like this, but she didn't even have a good relationship with her mother. We just let her share her thoughts, maybe reflect back and then move on. If she gets on our case we change subject. If she gets angry with us for not commiserating with her we make an excuse to leave. If she is over, we keep those get togethers short enough it is usually almost time to to have her go.

Your mother is entitled to her feelings just as you are entitled to yours. Please don't use the holidays to run around criticizing a dead woman though. It's a bad look.

When your mom misses her mom, that’s totally understandable to you, so just address that: “I’m sorry, mom. I know you miss her. The holidays can be really tough when the ones we love aren’t around anymore.”

Like, why do you need to bring anything else to that? “Well, you shouldn’t miss her because sometimes she was passive-agressive, and that one time she forgot Carol’s birthday”? Like, what good does that do?

Your mom’s feelings can just exist. You don’t even have to acknowledge them. But you also don’t have to contradict them.

If you want or need to vent about this, clearly your mom is not a safe or appropriate place to do so. Talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or a trusted peer cousin.

Anonymous wrote:You don't have kids? Many parents see their kids as an extension of themselves. In that worldview it's very difficult for a parent to accept the radically different opinion of their child: political, religious or familial. They live it as a betrayal. Their sibling's kids don't rate that high and therefore aren't held to the same standard.

And that’s unfortunate, especially considering the issue at hand is abuse from a grandparent. Sounds like a lot of narcissistic supply and you are challenging everything she knows to be true, OP.

You don't have kids? Many parents see their kids as an extension of themselves. In that worldview it's very difficult for a parent to accept the radically different opinion of their child: political, religious or familial. They live it as a betrayal. Their sibling's kids don't rate that high and therefore aren't held to the same standard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just talk with your cousins about grandma. Stop demanding your mother agree with you.

I definitely don’t care. But it’s hard around the holidays when she is missing her mother and wants us all to feel as sad as she does.

That's her issue to deal with. You don't need to make it yours.

Anonymous wrote:Just talk with your cousins about grandma. Stop demanding your mother agree with you.

I definitely don’t care. But it’s hard around the holidays when she is missing her mother and wants us all to feel as sad as she does.

Just talk with your cousins about grandma. Stop demanding your mother agree with you.

My mother idolized her own mother. I think there was definitely a dynamic in their relationship and they both supplied the other—my mother is a Florence Nightingale-type and loves swooping in and taking over, my grandmother was in need of such from a caretaker, which my mother was. My experience was different. While my mother always saw my grandmother as a kind, giving person, my grandmother’s kindness always came at a price, and with guilt trips. Over the years she said some harsh things to me when she didn’t get her way. My experience isn’t the same as my mothers. My cousins experiences are similar to mine.

When my cousins don’t show the same nostalgia for their grandmother, my mother understands, admits grandma had motives. But when I express the same, I’m chastised and my mother becomes so ashamed with me and is in such disbelief over the things I’m saying. She thinks I’m a horrible person because grandma couldn’t have been more kind and giving to me.

Why am I not allowed to have my experience, yet my very-close-to-my-mother cousins are?