Anonymous wrote:Did none of these older women have jobs? I was born in 1986 and NONE of the women in my family had jobs but I thought we were an anomaly. How exhausting to be trying to work and also be expected to coordinate a gourmet meal (and there better not be any subpar stuffing.)

OP here. I was born in 1979 and plenty of my mom’s peers had jobs, including my mom, but it’s like they still have this ingrained homemaking servitude chip embedded in them. My dad does no holiday prep or planning, no meal prep or planning, doesn’t even buy cards and gifts for his own sister. I can recall holidays where my brother was allowed to stay at the table while my sister and I were expected to clear the table. I don’t get it, I really don’t.

You know what also pisses me off? When Dh punts it back to me. His parents will ask what the plans are for the holiday and he’ll say “let me see what wife is planning.” Or “can you ask wife?” Or when he doesn’t want to do something he’ll say “sounds good! Let me see if it’s okay with wife” and then he makes it sound like it’s my fault that we aren’t doing the activity. I had a come to Jesus conversation with Dh around this, but he just can’t stop.

+ a million trillion gazillion to this post.

It's so obvious if you reverse the roles. I come from a family of all daughters, and how silly would it be if I only coordinated with their husbands about our family holiday plans.

Anonymous wrote:Agree. My in law texted me the 3 dishes she wants me to cook and bring. Knowing full well that I’m working this week and my Dh is off.

I gave him the list and asked him if he’s making it or would he prefer I order them. He was baffled and said “she said you said you would bring that stuff”. I had to correct him that I was sent a text with a list to bring, I was not asked and I did not offer but I’m happy to throw money at it and order if he cannot fulfill his family’s order.

Wow. You should text her back and say, “Oh Nancy, you must be confused: it’s Jim who has this week off; I am working. If you would like to ask him to bring these dishes, I’m sure he’d be happy to discuss it with you.”

Did none of these older women have jobs? I was born in 1986 and NONE of the women in my family had jobs but I thought we were an anomaly. How exhausting to be trying to work and also be expected to coordinate a gourmet meal (and there better not be any subpar stuffing.)

Agree. My in law texted me the 3 dishes she wants me to cook and bring. Knowing full well that I’m working this week and my Dh is off.

I gave him the list and asked him if he’s making it or would he prefer I order them. He was baffled and said “she said you said you would bring that stuff”. I had to correct him that I was sent a text with a list to bring, I was not asked and I did not offer but I’m happy to throw money at it and order if he cannot fulfill his family’s order.

My MIL and FIL try to do this, but I keep refusing to be the main point of contact.

MIL will text me and only me to ask for dates of visits, menus, gift ideas for the kids, etc. I always add DH to the text chain and say “Thanks, Ted and I will discuss and he’ll be in touch soon!”

Like, she will actually contact me about logistics and what I’m bringing to THEIR family reunion. I add DH to the text chain and say, “DH usually makes a pie, but he’ll let you know what else he is planning to bring! He’ll let you know what dates we can make it.” This is an annual even that has been going on for decades before we married, why the H would I be the main point of contact for the Smith family reunion?!

Anonymous wrote:Just keep calling it out — just like you did.

Same poster again. I will say that I have never taken on the emotional labor of my husbands family. He deals with communication 90% of the time. He loves them and calls frequently and sees them probably twice a month. He buys this gifts, coordinates events, etc. That said, I love my in-laws. I call occasionally to tell them a funny story. I took my MIL on an NYC girls trip, etc. If I had all the burden of dealing with them, I would probably love them less.😃

It's societal programming that is VERY hard to undo. Hell, I have a hard time not doing it to *myself*. My default is "poor H, he shouldn't have to do that" and I have to slap myself to get it in my head that *I* shouldn't have to do it, either.

Like PP said, just keep pointing it out. I always appreciate reminders.

We just have to keep calling it out and making attempts not to do it, ourselves.

OP here. Thanks, you are right. I will keep pointing it out. It is by no means just my aunt who does this. Even women my age are doing this—and it’s usually blaming an in-law. “My SIL this or that” when I’m like, you have your brother’s phone number, right? And he has yours? So no one is stopping your brother from making plans with you directly, and vice versa.

I'm just really glad you pointed this out to her. She scoffed because her pride would not let her do anything else, but maybe you seeded a little idea that in the future, that she should stop criticizing her DIL so much.

Just keep calling it out — just like you did.

It will be that way until women step up and drop the rope.

The call is coming from inside the house! Stop the madness. WHY are women doing this to other women?

My family is visiting my parents this week. My aunt stopped by and spent the entire time yapping about her daughter-in-law, and “why she hasn’t firmed up Thanksgiving plans yet” and “isn’t texting me back about food plans.” I asked her point blank she wasn’t picking up the phone and calling her son. And she honestly seemed baffled and was like, “How would he know what time dinner is, or what food I should bring? He has a job, he’s working.” I said you know Dana has a full-time job, too, right? She’s busy, too. And my aunt just scoffed and said it was her responsibility.

Like, what is going on that it is 2022 and women still expect that other women will do everything related to holiday dynamics, meals, gifts, family relationships, etc. Why do you not expect your husbands, sons, brothers, etc., to be active and full participants?