Anonymous wrote:We waited to TTC as husband was not ready until his 36 birthday. I am turning 36 soon and we have been TTC for 4 months. My OB said to go to a fertility specialist if not able to conceive in 2 months.

I am so angry as I wanted a baby 4 years ago. What can I even do?

Under 35 they usually (yes, I'm sure others have had a different experience) tell you to wait a year to go to a fertility specialist if you haven't conceived. It doesn't come easy to everyone. My mom told me that women in our family are very fertile. I have been pregnant exactly twice, both intentional pregnancies. It took 4 months the first time (age 33) and ten months the second time (age 36).

Being angry isn't going to make any part of this process easier.

It’s totally natural for you to be anxious, frustrated, fearful, even angry in this situation, but 4 months is not a long time, even in your mid-thirties, and you don’t even know if there’s an actual problem, let alone whether any problem you have existed 10 years ago.

We didn’t put off ttc, but my dh had such a low sperm count (not age related, it’s a genetic mutation that occurred at his own conception) that we had to resort to ivf anyway. Having had a lot of difficulty conceiving, and now having been a parent for 15 years, I can tell you that having a coparent who is up to the task and a true partner is more important than conceiving the old fashioned way.

You and your dh need to support each other and function as a team to get through either the roller coaster ride of fertility treatments or parenthood. Don’t focus on blame or divisive thoughts. They’ll only make you more miserable.

I hope you conceive very soon.

It took me 6 months to conceive my first at age 30.

Went on to have three other kids.

4 months is not that long.

This is unlikely due to age alone. Most people would have had the same issues in their 20s if they have issues conceiving.

It is not a magic age thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We waited to TTC as husband was not ready until his 36 birthday. I am turning 36 soon and we have been TTC for 4 months. My OB said to go to a fertility specialist if not able to conceive in 2 months.

I am so angry as I wanted a baby 4 years ago. What can I even do?

Yhere's plenty you can do re TTC and I'll leave others to comment on that. In terms of your husband, accept that it would not have been good for your child or you if you'd had a baby before he was ready. Presumably you fell in love with him and wanted him to be the father of your children. Part of that was accepting the fact that he was not ready (assuming he did not mislead you). You made a choice as well, a choice to stay with him in spite of that, because he was the person you chose to be your husband and the father of your children; you thought he was worth it. Stop thinking of yourself as a passive victim of circumstance or your husband and realize that you were making a choice every day well. Good luck to you both.

As someone in a similar position, something I have found helpful is forgiving yourself for the role you played in creating this situation. It’s easy to lash out and be angry but really you’re just grieving in a way (although TTC for 4 months is not even close to a long time, but I digress). Be kind to your husband because you did agree to the arrangement, but more importantly be kind to yourself.

4 months is still early. Your OB's recommendation is standard for your age. In the meantime, do everything you need to get ready, such as getting all the dental work done, get full physical, mammogram, etc. Take care of all medical issues that might become complicated once you're pregnant or nursing.

I was in the same boat. DH was not ready so we waited to start TTC. By the time we finally did start I was almost 38. It is what it is. Gnashing my teeth wouldn't have helped. We tried for a year, then moved onto fertility treatment. Another year later we had our first child. For number 2 we just didn't use any birth control and conceived naturally.

That said, many of my friends got pregnant without issue around 36/37. Everyone's path to parenthood is different, but most people who want to become parents do.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:We waited to TTC as husband was not ready until his 36 birthday. I am turning 36 soon and we have been TTC for 4 months. My OB said to go to a fertility specialist if not able to conceive in 2 months.

I am so angry as I wanted a baby 4 years ago. What can I even do?

Yhere's plenty you can do re TTC and I'll leave others to comment on that. In terms of your husband, accept that it would not have been good for your child or you if you'd had a baby before he was ready. Presumably you fell in love with him and wanted him to be the father of your children. Part of that was accepting the fact that he was not ready (assuming he did not mislead you). You made a choice as well, a choice to stay with him in spite of that, because he was the person you chose to be your husband and the father of your children; you thought he was worth it. Stop thinking of yourself as a passive victim of circumstance or your husband and realize that you were making a choice every day well. Good luck to you both.

I wouldn't freak out yet, that's a normal amount of time to be trying and not get pregnant. They tell you to see someone after 6 months after you're 35 because it's more likely that fertility issues would arise after that point and they wouldn't want you wasting precious time if there is indeed an issue. I would just keep at it and try to get over your anger (that can't be helpful for the babymaking mood). I read It Starts with an Egg and did most of the recommended supplements. Not sure if it actually had any impact but it did at least help with my piece of mind that I was "doing" something proactive.

You might have had the same issues four years ago. 35 isn't really that old for TTC. Anger, and blaming your husband, is unproductive.

You really can’t know that this is your husband’s fault. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that blaming your husband is a terrible way to start this next stage of your marriage. If he is not totally in or if you can’t get past that - you owe it to your future kid to back away from your marriage.

I had a friend who had to have IVF at 28. You just can't know if waiting was the cause.

There is a forum for TTC that will have lots of good advice for you. But, 35 is not really that old for TTC in DCUM land. Most of my friends had babies in their mid-30s.

You don’t know that you won’t get pregnant next month. You don’t know that, if you have an issue, age is the cause or even a contributing factor.

Having a baby with someone who doesn’t want one is a terrible idea. Remember that.

What you can do is keep trying, seek help on two months, and forgive your husband that he was ready on his own timetable.

We waited to TTC as husband was not ready until his 36 birthday. I am turning 36 soon and we have been TTC for 4 months. My OB said to go to a fertility specialist if not able to conceive in 2 months.

I am so angry as I wanted a baby 4 years ago. What can I even do?