Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you openly discussed this?

My parents were probably like this. It would've been fine if my mother wasn't so passive aggressive. But the fact that she was set a bad example and made me on edge.

I think many couples are private with their affection so that's not the issue. Can you both be really kind to each other? Is there still affection? Can you open up the relationship? It's normal for strong feelings to fade, but if you get along fine then you can probably salvage your relationship and build a deeper connection, sexual or not.

There is no affection between us, but we are generally cordial to one another and very affectionate with DC (almost to the point of overcompensating, which probably isn't great either). H has a tendency to patronize when he speaks to me, and I am guilty of nagging him at times. We have not explicitly discussed opening the relationship, but I presume H is sleeping with other people since we are not sleeping with one another. As with many primary caregivers of young children, my libido has been practically nonexistent for several years. Even if and when it returns, however, I am not attracted to H, so do not begrudge extramarital activities as long as they do not negatively impact DC (e.g. by taking time away from family commitments, etc.).

Anonymous wrote:Of course it can. The majority of couples in past generations and in other societies still have exactly this arrangement. In most of the world marriage is viewed as an institution for child raising and financial stability, possibly also for elder care. Not for romance and friendship. If you are both on the same page and reasonably able to cooperate I don’t see what the problem is.

Happiness lies in achieving a fit between your expectations and the situation. Some people change the situation, others change their expectations. Be honest with yourself about which kind of person you are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it can. The majority of couples in past generations and in other societies still have exactly this arrangement. In most of the world marriage is viewed as an institution for child raising and financial stability, possibly also for elder care. Not for romance and friendship. If you are both on the same page and reasonably able to cooperate I don’t see what the problem is.

Happiness lies in achieving a fit between your expectations and the situation. Some people change the situation, others change their expectations. Be honest with yourself about which kind of person you are.[/quot

+1 every word of this.

You know America did better in the marriage business with marriages more like A Christmas Story which at least had some love and friendship as well as stability before the rest of the world decided their way of old world order was better. Most of my friends growing up had marriages that were at least as good as Ralphie's parents which I'd take any day over some institutionalized marriage.