He’s using DD to be a proxy for him and assuage any guilt he has about his relationship with his mother. All day every weekend is way too much at that age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your DD?

She is 12

Oh, yeah, that's way too old to be spending so much time at Grandma's. She's got her own life now.

Absurd statement. My kids spent tons of time at their grandmothers well beyond that age. Age has nothing to do with it, it's whether that's what they want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your DD?

She is 12

Oh, yeah, that's way too old to be spending so much time at Grandma's. She's got her own life now.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't make a big proclamation out of it - just make DD's life busy enough that she doesn't have time for a full day with Grandma. "We'd love to bring her out Saturday, but she has soccer practice in the morning and a friend's birthday party at 3. Can we meet for lunch in between?". Totally ok if some "commitments" are a little exaggerated.

+1

Anonymous wrote:How old is your DD?

She is 12

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't make a big proclamation out of it - just make DD's life busy enough that she doesn't have time for a full day with Grandma. "We'd love to bring her out Saturday, but she has soccer practice in the morning and a friend's birthday party at 3. Can we meet for lunch in between?". Totally ok if some "commitments" are a little exaggerated.

This is exactly how I’d approach it as well. Or, give a half day on Saturday (afternoon and dinner) but she’s got that darn soccer practice on Saturday AND swim on Sunday, so you can heed off the sleepover.

+1, no need to make it a big dramatic thing

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't make a big proclamation out of it - just make DD's life busy enough that she doesn't have time for a full day with Grandma. "We'd love to bring her out Saturday, but she has soccer practice in the morning and a friend's birthday party at 3. Can we meet for lunch in between?". Totally ok if some "commitments" are a little exaggerated.

This is exactly how I’d approach it as well. Or, give a half day on Saturday (afternoon and dinner) but she’s got that darn soccer practice on Saturday AND swim on Sunday, so you can heed off the sleepover.

Yep - that's also how I'd go at this.

Both your husband and your daughter want limited contact. Both of them have their reasons for that. You can help make that possible in a way that doesn't offend anyone or put anyone in an uncomfortable position they're not ready to handle. Just use the realities of a kids' expanding world and schedule.

You can ensure your daughter has an ongoing relationship w/ her grandmother without having to solve the problematic relationship between MIL and Husband.

Pick your battles.

How old is your DD?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you or your DH meet grandma at a halfway point for lunch or dinner? If it’s nice weather, you could meet up and do an activity outside.

As I said, he doesn’t really get along or enjoy spending time with her. He’s just trying to keep DD and MIL relationship afloat, or was.

So find a place where they can eat lunch and you or DH can run an errand or go shopping nearby, like Lowe's or Homegoods or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you or your DH meet grandma at a halfway point for lunch or dinner? If it’s nice weather, you could meet up and do an activity outside.

As I said, he doesn’t really get along or enjoy spending time with her. He’s just trying to keep DD and MIL relationship afloat, or was.

This is OP posting again, adding, I guess this is what I don’t really get. DH doesn’t get along with his mom and doesn’t even spend a lot of time with her, other than surface level “you are my mother” type stuff, so I don’t understand why he cares more about potentially upsetting his mom than he does upsetting his DD by making her do something that she finds overwhelming

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you or your DH meet grandma at a halfway point for lunch or dinner? If it’s nice weather, you could meet up and do an activity outside.

As I said, he doesn’t really get along or enjoy spending time with her. He’s just trying to keep DD and MIL relationship afloat, or was.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't make a big proclamation out of it - just make DD's life busy enough that she doesn't have time for a full day with Grandma. "We'd love to bring her out Saturday, but she has soccer practice in the morning and a friend's birthday party at 3. Can we meet for lunch in between?". Totally ok if some "commitments" are a little exaggerated.

This is exactly how I’d approach it as well. Or, give a half day on Saturday (afternoon and dinner) but she’s got that darn soccer practice on Saturday AND swim on Sunday, so you can heed off the sleepover.

Why can’t you or your DH meet grandma at a halfway point for lunch or dinner? If it’s nice weather, you could meet up and do an activity outside.

I wouldn't make a big proclamation out of it - just make DD's life busy enough that she doesn't have time for a full day with Grandma. "We'd love to bring her out Saturday, but she has soccer practice in the morning and a friend's birthday party at 3. Can we meet for lunch in between?". Totally ok if some "commitments" are a little exaggerated.

I’ll try to make this concise. Here are all the facts!

DH and his mother have a sometimes contentious, surface-level relationship.

MIL lives just far enough away that quick visits aren’t possible. It’s always been a day-long visit.

There was a time when DD was younger when we used to get together as a family (as in me, DH, and DD) and that’s how MIL would visit with DD.

Before COVID they had a disagreement and their strained relationship strained further.

These visit became DH dropping DD off for the day, and MIL returning her later, or vice versa.

I’d say within the last year, DD has started to resent these long visits. I think it’s a mix of wanting to be home doing her own thing with us or her friends. She hates giving up a whole weekend day. She confided in me and said she’d be more than happy to do a lunch and short outing, or outing and dinner, but doesn’t want to spend whole days alone with grandma anymore.

I think her proposal seems fair, especially considering her father’s relationship with his mother.

DH is afraid broaching the subject with his mom will result in hurt feelings and he doesn’t want to do it, but I think he needs to. So I’m here looking for advice for DH on how to approach this. Thanks!