My mother-in-law was bipolar. If this is the case with your mom, it isn't "most of her life". She's mentally ill. The behavior and comments are irrational. You have to try to depersonalize it. It's very hard to do because this is your mother and we all listen to our moms.

Her lack of a filter means that she can't make any friends. Bipolar people are like this early in life also - they alienate people.

My DH was an only child and had to learn to depersonalize his interactions. Things were much better when he stuck to certain topics, ignored certain comments completely and changed the subject. He also would not visit for more than an hour.

If there is something that she likes to do, spend time doing that with her. My m-i-l liked to listen to music, so my husband would come with a play list and run it for 20 minutes while he tidied up things or did her laundry for her.

Hopefully the staff know she is bipolar so they probably should ignore her remarks. The only problem is that if there is something more serious that they don't ignore it. We had that happen which ended up cascading into a hospital stay for my m-i-l. So if there is a social worker at the assisted living, please meet with them so they learn what is "usual" and call you when it isn't. All the best. It's tough.

Anonymous wrote:Mother is nearly 80, lives independently in senior housing, widowed 13 years ago. Two adult children includes me, and I am the local AC. Sibling lived across the country. She has always been very, very negative even as a young woman. But it's gotten way worse. She has no friends, alienates people, and is also snobby. I am her only social outlet. She is reserved and unfriendly and has no filter. It's hard to deal with BC I evhad a lifetime of it and it's getting worse. Every single week, there is always something terrible that happened that week, even if it involved her being on hold for an extended period of time with say the bank. When I share pix of say a family member with friends, she starts critiquing their clothes and makes comments about young women dressing like whores etc. It is horrifying how judgemental she is. By the way if she sees someone in a pic in skinny jeans and a tank top, they must be a whore or a s@£# or god forbid a lesbian. I dress quite conservatively but as a middle aged person she critiques me too and wants me to essentially wear long long skirts below my calves BC god forbid you see any portion of my knees BC that's too risque. I don't understand. My son has tattoos (he's military) and whenever he sees her a couple times a year he always wears long sleeves BC he doesn't want to deal with the negativity. It shouldn't be like that. I've asked her why she's so judgemental and she truly does not think she is, and considers herself open minded. I have natural shortish nails and wore a cherry red nail polish once and she made a face and tolde women if a certain type (prostitutes) only wear red. This might all sound petty but I've had a lifetime of this and I thought people mellow with age, but she hasn't. She had a somewhat typical conservative Catholic upbringing in the 1950s and 60s but would go on Vietnam protest marches back in the day. She wasn't a hippie though. I feel like I'm going mad. How do I cope?

OP, your mom is old, crotchety, and bored. This is what she spends her mental energy on these days. I'm sure that it drives you bonkers, but she isn't going to change. The way you react to it can, though. Does it not make you smile a teeny bit when she gives a completely predictable outrage response to something? You haven't turned it into a game yet? When one of the seniors in my family says something out of touch, or slightly racist, or cranky/crotchety, it just makes me chuckle. And keep wearing red nail polish, you saucy minx!

Anonymous wrote:She is regressing back to the time she remembers best and with it the social norms of those days for her. It is a fairly typical mental decline.

Except OP writes she was always like that.

She is regressing back to the time she remembers best and with it the social norms of those days for her. It is a fairly typical mental decline.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you don't laugh at this point? Perhaps the apple does not fall far from the tree in terms of seeing the glass half empty?

I say this because my mother has always been very negative, and has similar sexual hang-ups. Growing up I had to wear very covering, loose clothing, and the one time I put on shorts and tank to walk in the neighborhood, my mother went berserk. She was controlling in every aspect of my life.

So as soon as I was able to jumped across the pond and started a new life in the US She understood quickly that visits and phone calls were directly linked to how critical she was.

She's mellowed a lot since my 20s and 30s. Now I come dressed in normal clothes for visits with my kids, and she makes practically no clothing comments. She's switched to weight instead. We're all obese apparently (my BMI is at 19), except my son who is just right (he's actually terribly underweight and the pediatrician is worried). She herself is skin and bones.

At this point I just laugh in her face.

+1000. You have to get to where you don’t care or you find it funny.

I don't understand why you don't laugh at this point? Perhaps the apple does not fall far from the tree in terms of seeing the glass half empty?

I say this because my mother has always been very negative, and has similar sexual hang-ups. Growing up I had to wear very covering, loose clothing, and the one time I put on shorts and tank to walk in the neighborhood, my mother went berserk. She was controlling in every aspect of my life.

So as soon as I was able to jumped across the pond and started a new life in the US She understood quickly that visits and phone calls were directly linked to how critical she was.

She's mellowed a lot since my 20s and 30s. Now I come dressed in normal clothes for visits with my kids, and she makes practically no clothing comments. She's switched to weight instead. We're all obese apparently (my BMI is at 19), except my son who is just right (he's actually terribly underweight and the pediatrician is worried). She herself is skin and bones.

At this point I just laugh in her face.

Just tell her "Mom, when you criticize, it makes me not want to be around you or share my life with you. Is that what you want? I'm not going to wear ankle-length skirts and only the nail polish colors you want. If you want me in your life, you have to accept me the way I am. Next time you criticize, I'm going to hang up/leave." And then DO IT.

Therapy and/or an SSRI for you? I'm serious -- she sounds like a lot, and you're having to deal with her in ways that are very stressful for you. A good therapist can help you work through your experiences and feelings and practice scenarios in which you set your boundaries about how she may and may not treat you. Being your mother doesn't give her the right to treat you badly.

There's also the natural consequences of not visiting her as much since it sounds like the visits are horrible. Again, she may be your mother, but you aren't her garbage can to unload all her garbage into.

This is my story almost to a tee. Our moms should hang out. Mine's a major snob too. I have major boundaries. It makes her tantrum, but that's her problem. I no longer tolerate racism, bashing people, horrible gossip, and rants. It leaves very little to talk about which is great. She says she needs to walk on eggshells with me which is hilarious because she has a personality disorder and is projecting it onto me. If walking on eggshells means I don't have to listen to her spew hatred and negativity than that is fine with me, please walk on the eggshells. She tells people I am crazy and hyper-senitive and then wonders why those same people have distanced themselves from her.

She sounds like my mom. First off, stop trying to change her (“it shouldn’t be that way“).

Maybe treat visiting her like you would if you did prison visits: don’t wear anything remotely revealing or attractive. Focus only on the safe subjects, though yes this can be very difficult. Like a PP mentioned, don’t bring up things she goes negative on (women, tattoos, etc).

Does it help visiting her not by yourself? With my mom, she only liked boys, and it just so happened I have two, and so finally there was something she could be pleasant about. The boys were a distraction and a kind of buffer. My mom was also good going on outings such as gardens and restaurants she likes. Maybe do stuff where you can be together but not have to talk so much.

Stop visiting so much and when she tries to guilt you explain that her negative and judgmental attitude about everything is bringing you down and you emotionally can’t handle it. See if she’ll try to restrain herself. When she gets negative and judgmental cut your visit short. She’s not even 80 and she’s been like this her whole life so while I bet she has the capacity to change or restrain herself, I bet she won’t. You can only control what you do. And not exposing yourself to her as often is probably the right step.

Can you help her develop a new interest? And stop showing her photos of anyone about anything. Stop giving her props to be judgmental about.

This is most of my older relatives OP.

Anonymous wrote:SSRIs. Get her on one.

OP here. SSRIs make her worse. They've given her every one in the book. She's on multiple meds incl benzos, mood stabilizers, anti psychotic meds. She's been bipolar most of her life.

SSRIs. Get her on one.

Mother is nearly 80, lives independently in senior housing, widowed 13 years ago. Two adult children includes me, and I am the local AC. Sibling lived across the country. She has always been very, very negative even as a young woman. But it's gotten way worse. She has no friends, alienates people, and is also snobby. I am her only social outlet. She is reserved and unfriendly and has no filter. It's hard to deal with BC I evhad a lifetime of it and it's getting worse. Every single week, there is always something terrible that happened that week, even if it involved her being on hold for an extended period of time with say the bank. When I share pix of say a family member with friends, she starts critiquing their clothes and makes comments about young women dressing like whores etc. It is horrifying how judgemental she is. By the way if she sees someone in a pic in skinny jeans and a tank top, they must be a whore or a s@£# or god forbid a lesbian. I dress quite conservatively but as a middle aged person she critiques me too and wants me to essentially wear long long skirts below my calves BC god forbid you see any portion of my knees BC that's too risque. I don't understand. My son has tattoos (he's military) and whenever he sees her a couple times a year he always wears long sleeves BC he doesn't want to deal with the negativity. It shouldn't be like that. I've asked her why she's so judgemental and she truly does not think she is, and considers herself open minded. I have natural shortish nails and wore a cherry red nail polish once and she made a face and tolde women if a certain type (prostitutes) only wear red. This might all sound petty but I've had a lifetime of this and I thought people mellow with age, but she hasn't. She had a somewhat typical conservative Catholic upbringing in the 1950s and 60s but would go on Vietnam protest marches back in the day. She wasn't a hippie though. I feel like I'm going mad. How do I cope?