Private caregivers can do just about everything nursing care can given access to the right equipment, etc.

It depends. If your parent has plenty of money to facilitate aging in place, in a home that can reasonably accommodate that, yes. It would be a betrayal to move them for “practical” (financial) reasons.

Maybe I’m missing something - but if you have unlimited funds for caregivers, can’t you always stay in your home? If she gets worse, can’t you just hire more staff at home?

If you can envision a scenario where her staying home is no longer viable, then THATS what you say. “Oh, of course, we don’t want to put her in a home either. But if X, Y, and Z happen, I don’t think it’ll be viable for her to stay home. So we’re preparing incase that happens. Do you disagree?” And see what they say. Maybe they have some creative ideas for ways they’d be able to keep her home.

I’m taking care of my elderly mother now, solo and it is not an easy gig. She is abusive without having dementia, I couldn’t imagine that would be doable if she had it. The window to move your mil is very small, maybe it is a blessing that her memory is failing. I have to admit having toured some facilities, they can be quite depressing but sometimes the decision will be made for you like if she falls at home and breaks something, ending up in a worse situation.

Anonymous wrote:They can think differently. Op, not sure why you chose such a vile title for this thread.

OP here. It wasn't meant to sound vile. I didn't know how else to describe it. DH's siblings would really see it as betrayal.

No, its not betrayal but she will likely not get as good care as they do the absolute minimum except if you keep the private caregivers. If she's 93, she doesn't have much longer to live and if she can afford it, I'd do everything possible to keep her in her home. I wish we had that luxury for my MIL. She had no money so I cared for her for a while but as the dementia progressed and we could't afford help, the only option was a nursing home. The care was pretty poor.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what your question is, OP. Sounds as if there is a system in place to take care of her at home. Does your DH want to change that plan? And if so, is i that he wants her to go into a nursing home and the other siblings don't want that?

There is a good system in place.

No, DH doesn't want to change anything for now, but he has looked around at care facilities for his mother so that he knows what options are available to her when she cannot live by herself anymore, even with her team of aides and helpers.

He tried to convince his siblings to do the same but they're not very open to the idea. They cannot stomach the idea of putting their mother away in a home.

Anonymous wrote:They can think differently. Op, not sure why you chose such a vile title for this thread.

Vile title? It’s perfectly fine.

Has your MIL ever said anything about her wishes? My MIL has said many (many) times that she does not want to go to a “home.” She wants to stay in her house. We are all aware of her desires (even my kids). Maybe her daughters are honoring her wishes?

I'm not sure what your question is, OP. Sounds as if there is a system in place to take care of her at home. Does your DH want to change that plan? And if so, is i that he wants her to go into a nursing home and the other siblings don't want that?

Moving to a good care facility is often good because of the socializing.

If you are worried about how much attention she gets, hire additional help 1-2 a week to come in and bathe, change sheets, and do some laundry.

Sometimes it can be the most loving, caring, and responsible thing to do if she has become a danger to herself and others. Caregiving for someone with dementia is extremely hard.

They can think differently. Op, not sure why you chose such a vile title for this thread.

Once your mil gets to a point that she can no longer live by herself there are two options - sister(s) move in and are responsible for her full time care (and are financially compensated), or she enters a nursing home.

What other options are there?

MIL is 93 and has developed dementia over the last 5 to 7 years. She lives in her own home. DH and his siblings have hired a team of home health aides and helpers to take care of her.

DH's sisters hate the idea of their mother moving into a care facility. They see it as a form of 'betrayal'.
DH wants what is best for his mother but he is the more rational and practical one of the siblings, and he would support the idea, if her condition deteriorates and she can no longer comfortably live at home, even with aides/helpers.
There have been low level conflicts about MIL's care between DH and his siblings over the years. His sisters are far more emotional about it than he is.

(My own parents passed away a long time ago at a younger age than MIL and I never had to deal with these issues.)