Op, I think you need daily, predictable time to write notes to yourself re: your goals, long term and daily. You need to re-empower yourself and be more proactive. Right now you are, essentially, being reactive - to the lives of others.

Anonymous wrote:I can understand this. I have a toddler, but I find myself “martyring” myself (happily, mostly) to ensure he has fun and his needs are met. I think it’s normal to find enjoyment through our children’s happiness. Try to find happiness, friendships, and hobbies away from your children, too. Set yourself up for a full life. As your kids get older, their lives will move away from you, and you want to make sure the space they leave isn’t empty.

My kid is in elementary school but I have the same thought process. I want to do everything I can for her but I am also aware that from here on out, she's going to be pulling away from me more and more to create her own life and that process is good and normal. I think it's really important to maintain hobbies that are separate from parenting (so not just hobbies I do with my kid, even though I have those too). I also specifically fight against what OP is talking about, where I just give up on my own appearance and self-care in service to my DD. We have a pretty tight budget for clothes and things like salon visits so it would be easy to do. But I always make an effort and make sure that I set aside some of the budget for these things to help replace items in my wardrobe or get a fresh haircut or invest in some skincare.

I definitely make sacrifices for my kid, but it's not total martyrdom. I still get to have a separate identity and my needs by definition must be met. Sometimes that just means getting some alone time or taking time on the weekend to go for a run or go see a museum exhibit I've been excited about.

Working also helps, even if my career is nothing particularly exciting at this stage. But just having a work life is, I think, beneficial. Even if you are a SAHM, I'd recommend doing some kind of job once your kids are school, even if it's just a few hours a week or on a volunteer basis. Work of any kind is a really good antidote to mommy martyrdom IME.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resources for clothes, shoes and hair seems materialistic. Why don’t you ask them about their goals,hopes and dreams instead?

Yes, their hopes, dreams and goals are the most I think about. I was just trying to give an example. I wasn’t even saying that I pay for the materialistic things, just in my mind their dreams are more important than mine (as is them looking nice compared to my desire to not look frumpy myself) and I was looking for advice. My kids are very independent, successful and exceptionally driven- wasn’t the point of post to brag about kids. But in typical narcissistic DCUM this has turned “what a great parent I am and not you.” I’m out. Thanks for the few that offered constructive feedback about my midlife feeling but too many b***** here for me.

I think what confused people was that you contrasted caring about what you looked like "for a family event" with making sure "they have resources to look like they want to--(clothes, shoes, nails, hair etc.)."
For some reason people interpreted that as you redirecting material resources to your children.

Anonymous wrote:I am not unhappy but wondering if others experience the same thing. My kids are in college (one almost done) and it seems to me that their lives are more important than mine (from my perspective). It matter more where they want to go on vacation, eat, activities etc. They don’t demand it I just realized like I don’t care what I look like for a family event but want to make sure they have resources to look like they want to—(clothes, shoes, nails, hair etc.) It matters to me. I think about my life and had a very exciting career and my mother always wanted to hear every detail. It just occurred to me that this is the pattern of life. Am I pathetic or is this normal? I am not sad about it and my kids seem grateful I just am not sure how to keep what I do relevant in my own life if it doesn’t revolve around my children’s adult life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resources for clothes, shoes and hair seems materialistic. Why don’t you ask them about their goals,hopes and dreams instead?

Yes, their hopes, dreams and goals are the most I think about. I was just trying to give an example. I wasn’t even saying that I pay for the materialistic things, just in my mind their dreams are more important than mine (as is them looking nice compared to my desire to not look frumpy myself) and I was looking for advice. My kids are very independent, successful and exceptionally driven- wasn’t the point of post to brag about kids. But in typical narcissistic DCUM this has turned “what a great parent I am and not you.” I’m out. Thanks for the few that offered constructive feedback about my midlife feeling but too many b***** here for me.

WTF psycho turned up to 11

I don't understand why being happy for your children's success necessitates frumpiness in you. Are they happier because you are frumpy, or would they actually be happier with a mother who modeled how to do basic care for the self while also caring about others?

Anonymous wrote:Resources for clothes, shoes and hair seems materialistic. Why don’t you ask them about their goals,hopes and dreams instead?

Yes, their hopes, dreams and goals are the most I think about. I was just trying to give an example. I wasn’t even saying that I pay for the materialistic things, just in my mind their dreams are more important than mine (as is them looking nice compared to my desire to not look frumpy myself) and I was looking for advice. My kids are very independent, successful and exceptionally driven- wasn’t the point of post to brag about kids. But in typical narcissistic DCUM this has turned “what a great parent I am and not you.” I’m out. Thanks for the few that offered constructive feedback about my midlife feeling but too many b***** here for me.

Resources for clothes, shoes and hair seems materialistic. Why don’t you ask them about their goals,hopes and dreams instead?

Uh, no. This is twisted thinking.

I want my kid to be happy and the best way for that is to cut the apron strings so he can be confident and create his own success.

If it helps you to think of it this way, imagine the immense pressure you're putting on your children by hinging your happiness to theirs. Maybe that will motivate motivate you to live your own life

Anonymous wrote:I can understand this. I have a toddler, but I find myself “martyring” myself (happily, mostly) to ensure he has fun and his needs are met. I think it’s normal to find enjoyment through our children’s happiness. Try to find happiness, friendships, and hobbies away from your children, too. Set yourself up for a full life. As your kids get older, their lives will move away from you, and you want to make sure the space they leave isn’t empty.

A big difference is a toddler needs you to survive. OP's kids are adults in college. Time to cut the cord!

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm, I’m 56 with a college senior and hs junior. This is not my experience. I want them to work for the things that are important to them and not expect that I will take care of it for them. That is how they build confidence and are able to make their way in the world as their own person. I don’t think of their lives as “more important” than mine. I take pride in creating my own happiness by having experiences with and without my kids.

The happiness I feel when they are successful or happy is not dependent of me paying for it or participating in constructing. Of course I want them to be able to make their own way. For example, my DD had an amazing internship that she got on her own and I was more more excited to hear about that than anything going on in my job. Not sure why I feel that way but I do think the advice not to be martyr is appropriate. The second part of your response is helpful but the first part missing the mark on the situation.

I can understand this. I have a toddler, but I find myself “martyring” myself (happily, mostly) to ensure he has fun and his needs are met. I think it’s normal to find enjoyment through our children’s happiness. Try to find happiness, friendships, and hobbies away from your children, too. Set yourself up for a full life. As your kids get older, their lives will move away from you, and you want to make sure the space they leave isn’t empty.

Hmmm, I’m 56 with a college senior and hs junior. This is not my experience. I want them to work for the things that are important to them and not expect that I will take care of it for them. That is how they build confidence and are able to make their way in the world as their own person. I don’t think of their lives as “more important” than mine. I take pride in creating my own happiness by having experiences with and without my kids.

I think it's normal, but you have to fight against it and make you important to yourself too. If you treat yourself like you don't matter, others will treat you that way too. Don't be a martyr.

I am not unhappy but wondering if others experience the same thing. My kids are in college (one almost done) and it seems to me that their lives are more important than mine (from my perspective). It matter more where they want to go on vacation, eat, activities etc. They don’t demand it I just realized like I don’t care what I look like for a family event but want to make sure they have resources to look like they want to—(clothes, shoes, nails, hair etc.) It matters to me. I think about my life and had a very exciting career and my mother always wanted to hear every detail. It just occurred to me that this is the pattern of life. Am I pathetic or is this normal? I am not sad about it and my kids seem grateful I just am not sure how to keep what I do relevant in my own life if it doesn’t revolve around my children’s adult life.