Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are many ways to betray your spouse's confidence in a major way, and infidelity is but one of them. My husband has not cheated on me, but has done financial and other things that have created a serious rift in our marriage. He has ADHD/ASD, I can't trust him with finances, he refuses to medicate himself, and this is a serious matter.

But I don't want to divorce over it. As you correctly pointed out, why would *I* be the one to initiate costly divorce proceedings (because of course he'd fight me) only to end up with a lower HHI at the end because we need to support two households? To say nothing of finding a compatible partner later!

So no. My kids and I prefer to enjoy the economic and social benefits of staying as a family unit. This person I married is obviously not all bad, otherwise I would leave. He has his good sides. I prefer to take the good with the bad.

I'm in my 40s with teens. ALL the families I know are in this situation, more or less. There's always one spouse that isn't quite measuring up in one way or another, but the advantages of marriage outweigh the disadvantages.

This, all day.

My wife betrayed me in a non-sexual way and I would rather have been cheated on.

But anyway, I choose to stay for now and enjoy the family unit. Maybe I will feel differently when the kids are gone. Life isn't black and white. Divorce only trades one set of problems for another.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

I agree, but unfortunately, most people don't have a choice because one person wants out of the marriage eventually and/or the disrespect starts to run high and then there is no safety in the marriage. Or the person gets used to a point where they cease to have their own life. If those can be avoided and you can be cordial and come to agreement on new terms and be ok living on those terms then sure, but cheaters don't tend to be strong thinkers or compassionate people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

Anonymous wrote:There are many ways to betray your spouse's confidence in a major way, and infidelity is but one of them. My husband has not cheated on me, but has done financial and other things that have created a serious rift in our marriage. He has ADHD/ASD, I can't trust him with finances, he refuses to medicate himself, and this is a serious matter.

But I don't want to divorce over it. As you correctly pointed out, why would *I* be the one to initiate costly divorce proceedings (because of course he'd fight me) only to end up with a lower HHI at the end because we need to support two households? To say nothing of finding a compatible partner later!

So no. My kids and I prefer to enjoy the economic and social benefits of staying as a family unit. This person I married is obviously not all bad, otherwise I would leave. He has his good sides. I prefer to take the good with the bad.

I'm in my 40s with teens. ALL the families I know are in this situation, more or less. There's always one spouse that isn't quite measuring up in one way or another, but the advantages of marriage outweigh the disadvantages.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

The thing is - I think that a lot of women just forego the sex altogether - particularly after years of marriage and then being cheated on. Sex is usually not top priority. The wellbeing of the kids and financial implications later in life are very much the top concerns. How can I maintain this lifestyle for my kids - and I don't mean just in terms of "stuff" but the real impact of having two separate households and their mental well-being. This is one of the main reasons people stay - they do not want unhappy kids and yes - they martyr themselves.

This board is really an outward example - so many say that you shouldn't divorce unless it's abuse, addiction and they say adultery - but they really try to tell you to "work it out" when many of us think it's a dealbreaker. It is a dealbreaker in the heart - but in practical terms? It's hard to divest, start over, and if you're a SAHM? Unless the assets are really a lot, then your average SAHM with an average HHI is going to suffer due to the split. You go try finding a career at 40+ and never had a real career. What job will pay for housing for her and the kids.

These are really tough situations that everyone tries a one and done answer but it's so nuanced and personal. I think that the best advice I'd ever gotten is to understand that I do have a choice - and that I'm actively choosing "THIS". I do have control over my life - even if that life isn't one that I envisioned for myself or one that I want forever, it is something that I choose to do and make peace with those decisions. I feel for those who are truly unhappy, but remain faithful even if to themselves and take care of the kids. Even if all of you know that she can do better, be happier and tell her the kids will be alright. I get it. I live it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.