I don't know where he was before two months ago but if he was on his own and now he is living with you that is a big change. There is a loss of control with aging and this sounds like someone who is trying to deal with their anxiety and worry and adapt to all this change by trying to feel in control of something...and right now that something is you.

You need to tell him it isn't coming across as concern but as control. Is there a way he can develop some independence and his own life separate from yours. He needs control over something else until he feels in control of his own life and self again.

Anonymous wrote:He needs anxiety meds.

+1

Plus, he is obviously feeling self conscious and guilty for moving in for you bc he feels it's a burden - you built an inlaw suite, you rearranged things to accommodate him, etc. It is manifesting in "worry", anxiety, and criticism (bc we all know when you criticize /put-down others you automatically feel better about your own-self and he needs that self affirmation even if it's at the expense of negative comments).

His rebuke to you shows YOU his true colors- feeling like a burden to you, afraid he'll lose control of (the fear of beingvsent away to a funny farm, cast out to a senior living place) a life he's always been in control of up until 2 months ago, and also personal pride - HE took care of you for 18(+) yrs/been a patriarch/dad knows best/dad has the answers abd now the tables have turned on him That's very jarring especially for seniors

Does he get out and socialize- a bridge group, Silver Sneakers, bocce ball, history group, involved with a men's group at church, or the like?

Is "part" of the family (as in contributing - helping your/his (grand)kids with himework shuttling them around, prepping lunch or dinner, etc) or is he just a " +1" (he doesn't play a role/just sits around/doesn't have a good reason to even get up in the morning)?

Curious - is he on any meds that trigger irrational moody side effects? Is there a sliver of depression setting in (is your mom in the picture)? Is he in pain (arthritis getting worse, for example)? Boredom (see seeking control, feeling like an outcast, feeling vulnerable, above)?

I'm the anxious one and what worked for me is deciding ONE thing I can be anxious about when I'm around family. If it is not that, then I try to hold my tongue. So maybe let your dad have one thing, and then he can just start to "notice" the other things before he says them.

I love my mom, but after just a few days together, I feel like you do, OP. She doesn't hear herself, and the stream of talking and subtle criticisms inartfully veiled as off-hand comments is incessant, so there is no real way for even the most calm and rational person to process it all without going over the edge eventually.

A PP is right that the only way to survive this is to have a massive mental shift of your own and not think of him as your dad the way you used to. He's an elderly man living in a new and strange environment, and he's scared. If you can focus on that and realize even though he's talking to you and about you, his fears are not about you at all, it becomes more manageable. Sounds weird, but have you ever noticed how you can handle other people's elderly parents' micro aggressions better? You see them for the stage of life they are in; but with your own parents, your relationship tends to get stuck somewhere right after the teenage years.

I would have done the same thing, OP. I can't stand little micro-criticisms.

Dad, worrying about a bad thing from happening doesn’t stop the bad thing from happening. The only thing it does is push you away from me.

Anonymous wrote:At a later time try to sit down to have a calm conversation to set some house rules and boundaries. Or maybe even a letter?

Dad, I know you want what you think is best for me but I am a grown woman and this is my home. I need to have a refuge where I am able to do what I want. When you try to force me to do things it makes me feel like you don't respect me. You need to trust that you did a good job raising me.

We do you want you to live with us AND we want to be able to be comfortable in our own home. I know there's going to be an adjustment period.

These are my non-negoatiables:

And so forth...

I’m sorry, I think this is terrible and useless advice from someone who hasn’t been through caring for an aging parent.

OP if you think you can reason with your dad or “set boundaries” that will change his behavior, you may as well quit now and move him to assisted living. Seriously. That’s not going to work. If he is inclined to tell you not to walk the dog at night and you think asking him not to or explaining why it’s safe is going to make him stop…boy oh boy. It’s not. Going. To. Work.

You need to stop interacting with your dad like he’s a reasonable adult roommate and start being strategic. Most of the stuff you mentioned falls firmly into the “deflect and ignore” camp for me. If you don’t think you can do that, having him live with you is going to have a major negative effect on your life. Plan to change where he lives.

Anyone who has cared for someone with any level of cognitive decline can tell you that these anxieties, annoying fixations, irrational unhelpful ness, extreme and genuine emotions like despair and anger etc are part of it. They just are. If you’re not up for it (zero judgment) you need to move him out. It will only get worse. The right meds might help for a short period but one rarely has just the right meds for long.

Anonymous wrote:He needs anxiety meds.

This. When was he last evaluated? Anxiety meds can do wonders.

He needs anxiety meds.

My dad lives with me. I’m 50 and he’s 82. I’m grateful to my siblings every day. I call and vent to them frequently. For my dad, the worry is that I too will leave him. Just like my mom did. She was out walking the dog and had a heart attack on the walk.

I know where the worry comes from but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. After 2 yrs of him being here, I just go about my life. He can comment all he wants. I just ignore it.

I’m sorry OP. It’s sounds like a stressful situation all around.

Is there anyway your dad could live nearby, but alone, say in a small apartment? Perhaps that would give him the independence he may be missing?

You need to draw a line about his behavior, now, and establish that in your house it is your rules. It sounds cruel but until he understands that if he keeps this up he will, indeed, be living elsewhere, then it’s not going to stop. Ideally he would also agree to get treatment for what sounds like general anxiety disorder, but if not, at least he has to stop projecting his anxiety on you.

Good luck, OP.

At a later time try to sit down to have a calm conversation to set some house rules and boundaries. Or maybe even a letter?

Dad, I know you want what you think is best for me but I am a grown woman and this is my home. I need to have a refuge where I am able to do what I want. When you try to force me to do things it makes me feel like you don't respect me. You need to trust that you did a good job raising me.

We do you want you to live with us AND we want to be able to be comfortable in our own home. I know there's going to be an adjustment period.

These are my non-negoatiables:

And so forth...

He's been with us about 2 months and lives in our in-law suite. I have asked him repeatedly not to do certain things, which I know comes from worry, but take a pill! He gives me grief when I walk the dog at night (it's a German Shepherd, for God's sake), if I do laundry past a certain hour ("what if you fall down the stairs because you are tired), if I don't eat "enough" (eat another 1/2 sandwich while I sit here or I'm not going to eat either), if I have to run an errand after sundown ("what if you have a flat?"), if I want to go to the doctor's ("you can't go alone, let me go with you") and the list goes on and on and on.

At first I tolerated it, but I asked him to please let me do the things I need to do and try not to worry, I have been doing them years like this and I am 52! I always have my phone with me and check in with him to make him feel better, and sometimes even talk to him while I am out with the dog so he knows no one snatched me while walking around the well-lit block with 20 other people walking their dogs, most of whom I know.

Well, tonight he literally told me about 15 things in a row to do or not do, and I just snapped. I yelled at him to please stop, I asked him before, and that it's making me insane and I can't stand it anymore.

He got really angry and took his plate downstairs and ate in his suite by himself and refused to come back upstairs yelling, "now the truth comes out, I knew you didn't want me here."

We built the in-law suite just for him. Arranged our lives to accommodate his. We would all get along better if he just let me live my life the way I want. I suggested therapy and he literally laughed in my face, "now you want to send me to the funny farm? You want them to say I should go into an institution because you want rid of me."

At this point I do want rid of him, but not because of the extra work, cost, any of that. He just makes it so unpleasant. And if he isn't picking on me, he is complaining about something. The towels aren't right. The TV's too small. The neighbor's dog looked at him the wrong way. The cabinets in the house at cheap. We overpaid for the house. It is a never-ending stream of negativity.

I feel guilty but right now I am far more angry, frustrated, and annoyed than anything else.

WWYD?