Failing to plan and running out of money on the assumption that children will pay for everything.

Bad dating choices.

Gossip. Both my mom and my ILs do this. SUCH a red flag and a turn-off. As they launch into their judgment-filled commentary, I know full well if they’ll gossip to me, they’ll gossip about me. I trust my dad completely: all the rest are known gossips.

Whenever I used to go to my mother for parenting advice, or was confiding in her problems I might be having with my children/parenting (just regular age appropriate problems), she would often say either "well that's what you deserve" or "payback's a 8!tch". I interpret it to me that I was a horrible child and karma is paying me back with giving me parenting problems. Both phrases made me ashamed and feel horrible.

After years of this, I have stopped confiding in her all together. I would NEVER say these things to someone, especially my own children at any age.

Comments about weight
Supporting criminals and criminal actions

Refusing to make any sort of plans whatsoever for aging and death-- no executor, no will, no instructions at all.

Marrying someone who is a racist (you're a racist too if you do that).

Being in denial that divorce means you give up 50% of your grandchild time.

"Are you dating anyone? when are you getting married? Can't you see that we're getting old and want to see you married and settled before we die? Why are your standards so high?..." Ad nauseam between the time I graduated from college and when I finally got married 10 years later.

Later: "When are you having kids? You know you're not getting any younger... When are we going to become grandparents? You're really upsetting us... Having children is a continuation of life--how dare you to think you have a choice in the matter?..."

My parents were devoted parents and loving in their own way, but they were RELENTLESS on these 2 topics and it really soured our relationship.

My mom is just hepped on conspiracy theories. My aunt recently told me that she made a series of antisemitic comments so I have a feeling I know what kind of content she’s consuming online. Hopefully I just don’t go crazy?

"Can't i just express an opinion!" When mom is about to say something unpleasant. But i do love that she now thanks me when i call right at the start of conversation. Its much more enjoyable and sets a good tone.
Im pretty much against all unsolicited "you should" for an adult child. All should be replaced by "i thought xyz could be intersting/useful etc"

My mom doesn’t believe in divorce, despite cheating and abuse, and also believes in moving in with adult children instead of assisted living or nursing home care. Those are both “family ethics” that my sib and I strongly disagree with and won’t impose on our own kids.

My mother comments on my/siblings’ weight. I will never do that.

Both my mother and my ILs make “helpful” suggestions about all the things we need to fix up at our house and do not cease when told its not in our budget or on our priority.

My ILs inject their opinion about every single thing, unsolicited. “Your car is too old, you need a new one.” “The kids need new bedroom furniture.” “You need a second car.” (We live blocks from the Metro and drive less than 2000 miles a year.)

My MIL moans and groans that we don’t spend every single vacation day we have visiting them. My husband visited his long distance grandparents exactly 3 times during childhood and cannot understand his mother at all. He gets so frustrated with her that their phone calls often end in him hanging up. We have 2 sets of long distance grandparents to visit and she’s just unrelenting. It’s stressful and obnoxious.

We have this dynamic where my mom cheated on my dad and is still with her AP. My dad is remarried to someone who he met later. And she's always insisting that we're a happy modern family and that these things "just happen in some families" and that she and my dad's wife are friends, etc. Meanwhile, my dad's wife does not like her and will sh*t-talk her to anyone who will listen, including me. My mom is always offering to come over to my dad's house for dinner-- that's right, she's inviting herself-- so that she can "spend more time with the kids", even though the kids hate dinner and sit at the table for max 10 minutes.

If I object to any of this, decline to validate her beliefs, or show any sign of stress while traveling with small children, I'm "carrying negative energy". So that's what I'll never do to my adult children.

I’m disappointed in you.
You are selfish.
I know you inside and out; I know you better than you know yourself.

My parent regularly says “I know you tend to see things from a western medical perspective, but…”

I, in fact, went to a western medical school and am a practicing physician.

We otherwise have a great relationship so it’s more funny than irritating.

My parents, and especially my dad, will come to visit us and be openly critical of our home. My dad pretty much comments every time he is here that it's sad to him that we are still in our "starter" home (it's small) and have not been able to upgrade to a larger home. It's so rude. The last time it happened I asked them if they would say these things to one of their siblings or a friend who was hosting them in their home, and that seemed to give them pause. Because of course they wouldn't. They aren't just rude people in general -- there is something about their parental role which they think entitles them to being openly critical of their children.

Let's share those so we can have better relationships with our adult children.