I have 2 bonus children and 2 biological children. I feel that I have 4 children and make decisions around having 4 kids. There is 16 yrs between the oldest and the youngest.

When the kids were younger, we did a lot of divide and conquer. We choose vacations that could accommodate that age spread like a cruise or club med. Younger siblings attended older siblings sports practices/games and vice versa.

When we were figuring out school, we budgeted for 4 kids. The years that we had kids in college and preschool were tight but we made it work. This year my bonus daughter is getting married. Her youngest brother is also becoming a bar mitzvah. The only thing we asked of her was not to choose the weekend of her brothers bar mitzvah.

If we went shopping, all kids would get what they needed. When the big kids were younger, when considering money and time, I considered all 4 kids. Now that 2 are out of the house, there’s less consideration since they are mostly self sufficient. But yes we have tightened our belts this year given we are paying for 2 milestone celebrations.

I gained stepkids when they were 4 and 6. DH and I each brought two kids into our marriage, from prior marriages. 1 boy, 3 girls. From the start, DH and I agreed the only way it would work would be to treat all the kids the same. Five years in, and I was having a conversation with a new neighbor. She mentioned something about when she gave birth to her son and I had a second of panic thinking "WHY can't I remember when DS was born?!" before realizing I didn't actually birth him.

The only time the kids are treated differently is by their non-custodial parents. My ex always shows up for visitation, and has stuff planned for the (two) kids, and my DH's ex often skips her visitation and when she does take them, lets them watch tv or wander around.

My step parent raised me, lloved me, sacrificed for me, but I can just tell she feels something different for the younger two kids who are her children by blood. COuld be different for different people and family situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?

Of course not - but when you do that the choice you are making is to be a parent and raise a kid as your own. As a step parent the choice your making is the adult relationship (who may come with kids which aren’t a factor…but it’s not like you date as a way to become a parent to existing kids and you’d be horrified if people recommended dating single parents as an alternative
to ivf or adoption), and when you adopt you are also the parent with a clear role and rights in regards to the child that you’re choosing to raise.

Did it ever occur to you, with your tunnel vision and all, that becoming a step-parent is also a choice? When you marry a person, you marry the person with all their history and family, including any children. Of course, idiots like you may not consider a potential spouse's children when weighing such a big decision, but the rest of us certainly would. I am not a step-parent btw. I am, however, a person who isn't as myopic and vulgar as you.

Why so mean? Another way to respond would be, "Yes, many step parents can and do make the same sacrifices bio parents do."

Your response was vulgar and rude, PP. Truly.

Anonymous wrote:I think the relevant factor here is assuming a situation where the kids still have both biological parents very involved in their lives. Situations where one bio parent is dead or has abandoned the relationship are different.

But in the case of a divorce with 50/50 custody, I think OP is right that it’s rare, and difficult, for the step parent to really love and sacrifice in the same way. It’s not even a limitation of the step parent, really. It’s just that it’s hard to navigate that role when a child already has two involved parents. It’s much more common for the SP to just defer to their spouse on a lot of issues and just seek to establish a mutually respectful and friendly relationship, but distinct from a parental bond.

Also if the SP has their own bio kids, I think that can prevent a tighter bond.

Not saying it never happens but I think it takes all the adults involved to set aside ego to some degree and that’s so unlikely.

But I also don’t think it means the blended family is bad. With joint custody, the SP will also have more breaks from their step kids than most parents get. If you can create a positive relationship, that can often be enough to create family cohesion.

I am 10:40 and I think you are right in that the relationship I have with the kids would be different if their mom was alive and involved. I would naturally step back and stay out of the way.

My stepmom is great and I wasn't able to have children so love my partner's kids (they really are great kids) and do a lot for them, though granted their mom died. In fact, I am a softy when it comes to them and that sometimes helps when their dad is being (what I think is) too tough on them.

I think the relevant factor here is assuming a situation where the kids still have both biological parents very involved in their lives. Situations where one bio parent is dead or has abandoned the relationship are different.

But in the case of a divorce with 50/50 custody, I think OP is right that it’s rare, and difficult, for the step parent to really love and sacrifice in the same way. It’s not even a limitation of the step parent, really. It’s just that it’s hard to navigate that role when a child already has two involved parents. It’s much more common for the SP to just defer to their spouse on a lot of issues and just seek to establish a mutually respectful and friendly relationship, but distinct from a parental bond.

Also if the SP has their own bio kids, I think that can prevent a tighter bond.

Not saying it never happens but I think it takes all the adults involved to set aside ego to some degree and that’s so unlikely.

But I also don’t think it means the blended family is bad. With joint custody, the SP will also have more breaks from their step kids than most parents get. If you can create a positive relationship, that can often be enough to create family cohesion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?

Of course not - but when you do that the choice you are making is to be a parent and raise a kid as your own. As a step parent the choice your making is the adult relationship (who may come with kids which aren’t a factor…but it’s not like you date as a way to become a parent to existing kids and you’d be horrified if people recommended dating single parents as an alternative
to ivf or adoption), and when you adopt you are also the parent with a clear role and rights in regards to the child that you’re choosing to raise.

Did it ever occur to you, with your tunnel vision and all, that becoming a step-parent is also a choice? When you marry a person, you marry the person with all their history and family, including any children. Of course, idiots like you may not consider a potential spouse's children when weighing such a big decision, but the rest of us certainly would. I am not a step-parent btw. I am, however, a person who isn't as myopic and vulgar as you.

Obviously, it depends on the person. OP, not everyone parents the way you do. Not all stepparents would do so. But, some will.

Anonymous wrote:Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?

EXACTLY. Sheesh, OP sounds rude, clueless and completely out of touch. She is a complete embarrassment to mothers (birth, adoptive, step) everywhere to be asking such a disrespectful and insensitive question.

Anonymous wrote:Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?

Of course not - but when you do that the choice you are making is to be a parent and raise a kid as your own. As a step parent the choice your making is the adult relationship (who may come with kids which aren’t a factor…but it’s not like you date as a way to become a parent to existing kids and you’d be horrified if people recommended dating single parents as an alternative
to ivf or adoption), and when you adopt you are also the parent with a clear role and rights in regards to the child that you’re choosing to raise.

Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?

My step parents are my solid foundation. My parents had past issues that made it difficult for them to build strong and healthy parent/child relationships. One came into my life around 3rd grade and the other 5th grade. I know it is odd, but my connection with my step parents is stronger than my connection with my parents.

Ill start by saying, I grew up with an awful step mother.
I now have a nice, normal step mother, but she didn't raise me. My children are 3 and 5 and I don't plan on having a step parent in the picture for them. I was hopeful at first, but after 2 years of dud men that I don't want to go on more than 1 or 2 dates with, the idea of them being as good as DCs dad is to them is not fathomable. And their Dad isn't even that great. But he just really loves them.

I'll probably hold off until they are teens.

I don’t have personal experience with step parents so truly curious. I was thinking today how much dh and I sacrifice personal wants for the well-being of our kids. I don’t mean martyr ourselves and a lot of it is things we want too (eg kid oriented vacation to create family memories instead of actually relaxing and enjoyable adults vacation. Kid ones are a grind but also a joy in some ways) but early mornings up with kids instead of plopping them in front of screen to sleep in, cutting back on luxuries to afford therapies one kid needs to using a lot of what could be downtime for packing lunch, helping with homework etc etc etc

Occasionally I ponder divorce (another thread…) but just can’t fathom a step parent (particularly a male one) coming into a family with preschool / elementary school aged kids who still have both parents and the step parent not only willingly but happily making all the sacrifices and accommodations for kids. They get old when they’re your kids but you do it because you both love them so deeply and because you have the drive of a parent to give them a better life. I just can’t get my head around someone coming into a family as a step parent and not pushing back on some of it because “the kids will be fine if we xyz….” So I’m curious what it’s like - is it possible for step parents coming in later to really happily orient around kid needs? Maybe I’m just selfish but I think I would have struggled with that.

Again not a martyr, we definitely do things for ourselves too, but no getting around our priorities are very kid well being oriented.