Does your husband want therapy? You post could describe the situation with my husband and also me. We both have elderly out of town parents with severe medical and other needs, stressful teen situations and demanding jobs. We don’t need therapy. We need more time in our lives. If someone tried to make me go to therapy it would be another thing I had to do.

I read on here once about how some elderly folks can drive their adult children to an early death. It sounds harsh and cruel but it’s true. Setting boundaries and taking care of yourself and your kids has to be a priority. That anonymous advice from a DCUM stranger was great therapy for us. Thank you if you are reading. We talk about you often in times of stress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

Far too many aging parents don't have empathy for their children jugging their own kids, spouses, stressors and health issues. Lots of interesting tactics in this post trying to manipulate people into not setting boundaries. "Normal" families sacrifice their sanity for elders. Actually normal, healthy families figure out what boundaries work for their system. What on earth makes you think a wife should take on all family responsibilities so that a husband can go spend all his free time caring for his aging parents? The message here is that a wife doesn't matter. She should do double the work so her inlaws, who presumably don't work and have plenty of free time can be catered to. Between your overt anti-American views and the misogyny this really is a disturbing post.

Sacrifice their sanity???

Wow. Just wow.

Clearly you have never dealt with a highly difficult and irrational elderly person for years. I had to set boundaries to preserve my mental health. Plenty of people quit working for her. Some people who are already challenging b efore aging, turn into monsters as they age. The "normal families sacrifice their sanity for elders" was sarcasm.

Wow, just wow that you live in a bubble and don't understand some people have to deal with truly awful elders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

Far too many aging parents don't have empathy for their children jugging their own kids, spouses, stressors and health issues. Lots of interesting tactics in this post trying to manipulate people into not setting boundaries. "Normal" families sacrifice their sanity for elders. Actually normal, healthy families figure out what boundaries work for their system. What on earth makes you think a wife should take on all family responsibilities so that a husband can go spend all his free time caring for his aging parents? The message here is that a wife doesn't matter. She should do double the work so her inlaws, who presumably don't work and have plenty of free time can be catered to. Between your overt anti-American views and the misogyny this really is a disturbing post.

Sacrifice their sanity???

Wow. Just wow.

You can do a search on psychology today. It lets you put in location, insurance etc. Also, does your employer have an EAP? Call them.

I forgot to ask the most important question. Is there money to throw at this-either their money or yours? if so, spend on getting them the level of care they need and then try to keep visits light and pleasant. If they are difficult they will complain about any care-giving that isn't from him, so just accept that. Work with a case manager to assure they get decent care and then there are many ideas to keep any visits lower stress and more enjoyable: pick convo topics that keep it light, spent time outside in a garden and comment on nature, ask them to share favorite stories from their youth, look at old photos. If it is all negativity, just show up, bring a favorite food or flowers, stay for 10 minutes and leave if you cannot move it a decent direction. You find what works for you and doesn't do it you in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

if you have multiple siblings and are sharing the load, that is very different from what a lot of us are facing. Also you have to ask yourself what your parent would want. For example, I used to visit my mom on Friday afternoons but now my kid wants to do an activity that makes those Friday visits impossible. But I know that if my mom were healthy, she would want me to prioritize my kids (her grandkids!) over her, so I do.

Visiting on a different day to avoid a scheduling conflict for your kid is normal. That’s obvious.

The poster who said Noooooo! made it sound like everyone should ditch their elderly parents since they’ve already *led* a long life. My comments were largely in response to that attitude.

FTR, my siblings are out of the area so I’m the default caregiver. And we are in caregiver mode given their rapidly declining health. We’ll be dealing with hospice soon.

There was nothing written about ditching parents. The post says the health of a marriage and the needs of the youngest generation come first. Boundaries don't mean ditching elderly parents. It means setting limits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

Far too many aging parents don't have empathy for their children jugging their own kids, spouses, stressors and health issues. Lots of interesting tactics in this post trying to manipulate people into not setting boundaries. "Normal" families sacrifice their sanity for elders. Actually normal, healthy families figure out what boundaries work for their system. What on earth makes you think a wife should take on all family responsibilities so that a husband can go spend all his free time caring for his aging parents? The message here is that a wife doesn't matter. She should do double the work so her inlaws, who presumably don't work and have plenty of free time can be catered to. Between your overt anti-American views and the misogyny this really is a disturbing post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

if you have multiple siblings and are sharing the load, that is very different from what a lot of us are facing. Also you have to ask yourself what your parent would want. For example, I used to visit my mom on Friday afternoons but now my kid wants to do an activity that makes those Friday visits impossible. But I know that if my mom were healthy, she would want me to prioritize my kids (her grandkids!) over her, so I do.

Visiting on a different day to avoid a scheduling conflict for your kid is normal. That’s obvious.

The poster who said Noooooo! made it sound like everyone should ditch their elderly parents since they’ve already *led* a long life. My comments were largely in response to that attitude.

FTR, my siblings are out of the area so I’m the default caregiver. And we are in caregiver mode given their rapidly declining health. We’ll be dealing with hospice soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

if you have multiple siblings and are sharing the load, that is very different from what a lot of us are facing. Also you have to ask yourself what your parent would want. For example, I used to visit my mom on Friday afternoons but now my kid wants to do an activity that makes those Friday visits impossible. But I know that if my mom were healthy, she would want me to prioritize my kids (her grandkids!) over her, so I do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

and this?

https://www.holycrosshealth.org/find-a-service-or-specialty/senior-services/family-and-caregiver-resources/caregiver-resource-center

https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/senior/caregiver.html

You could see what resources the county has first. This link might be a good starting point.

The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

My husband is having difficulty juggling and coping with physically (and likely mentally) ill elderly (out of town) parents and all that comes with it, teenagers, and career changes. I think he would benefit from talking to someone who can offer him some coping strategies, especially as the situation will likely only get worse with his parents. We are in Bethesda. Does anyone have anyone they would recommend for this? I know it would be unlikely to find someone who takes insurance directly. Thanks very much.