Anonymous
09/01/2022 15:58
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
OP, you're going on-and-on
at least realize when you're ruminating.
Make sure you look for real answers, practical answers
not just emotional support
at least realize when you're ruminating.
Make sure you look for real answers, practical answers
not just emotional support
Anonymous
09/01/2022 15:21
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
OP ~ she would have more friends if she didn't live at home. Likely she would have peers around her to do things with, be involved in activities.
That said, Op ... what about kind-of a schedule of when you call. When you visit. Even if it's not obvious to her, if it's obvious to you, that would help. You could look on the calendar and know --- that you *have not* fallen short on (reasonable) duties. Her rude behavior does not = reality.
That said, Op ... what about kind-of a schedule of when you call. When you visit. Even if it's not obvious to her, if it's obvious to you, that would help. You could look on the calendar and know --- that you *have not* fallen short on (reasonable) duties. Her rude behavior does not = reality.
Anonymous
09/01/2022 14:35
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sibling just called our mom. Was on the phone with her almost an hour and had to end the call- mom went down the list of DC and GC and even our ILs and complained that a whole summer went by and she didn’t get to see us enough.
Mom proclaimed that there’s not a more loving and devoted mom and once again, her family simply doesn’t do enough for her and she is having such a hard time dealing with the fact that her GC are grown and independent - as if she raised these children.
Now mom is on predictable course. Health concerns and facing surgery and lamenting that we’re not looking after her and will soon need to be shuttling her to appointments and on and on.
Unreasonable expectations. She expressed jealousy that my ILs (a decade younger) get to see my DC more than she does.
She’s acting like a spoiled brat.
Actually you are acting that way. You deserted your mother for your job, family, dcum complaints, and anything else that’s taking priority over her- your mother, your blood, your family. One day I hope you see the error of your ways and realize you have only one mother and should love and respect her through all the days of her life. You may love her, but you’re certainly not showing her respect. Call your mother 5 minutes every other day, build a good relationship, love her, respect her, show her you care. She raised you for 18+ years and did the best she could. Now you can’t be bothered with her? That’s a very sad and selfish situation. She is in the last days of her life and should not go out of it with children that do not respect her or show her love. I hope you apologize before she passes so you don’t live with the regret in your older years when your own children see the example you’re setting and treat you the same way.
It’s very difficult to be elderly and alone and I wish that upon no one. I am a caretaker for an elderly parent and the decline is staggering, days are difficult, love is abundant. My parent is heartbroken at times by other siblings that rarely check in but rarely say anything. Yes there are days they are manipulative, days they are tired, days they are happy, days they are full of life, days where you’re fighting to keep them in this world. It’s a difficult experience to watch someone grow old and decline but at least I know that they will not leave this world feeling deserted or unloved. Call your mother today, tomorrow is not promised.
This has to be a troll. :roll:
Anonymous
09/01/2022 14:01
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
You have to figure out what you can do, and stop worrying about the rest. Frankly, I'd be telling her that all the whining and moaning and complaining and score-keeping makes you want to spend less time with her, not more. See if there's a local service or bus that she can use to get to her appointments. Say no, walk away, hang up when she's rude or complains that you don't do enough for her. Say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," but don't argue with her.
Anonymous
09/01/2022 13:57
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sibling just called our mom. Was on the phone with her almost an hour and had to end the call- mom went down the list of DC and GC and even our ILs and complained that a whole summer went by and she didn’t get to see us enough.
Mom proclaimed that there’s not a more loving and devoted mom and once again, her family simply doesn’t do enough for her and she is having such a hard time dealing with the fact that her GC are grown and independent - as if she raised these children.
Now mom is on predictable course. Health concerns and facing surgery and lamenting that we’re not looking after her and will soon need to be shuttling her to appointments and on and on.
Unreasonable expectations. She expressed jealousy that my ILs (a decade younger) get to see my DC more than she does.
She’s acting like a spoiled brat.
Actually you are acting that way. You deserted your mother for your job, family, dcum complaints, and anything else that’s taking priority over her- your mother, your blood, your family. One day I hope you see the error of your ways and realize you have only one mother and should love and respect her through all the days of her life. You may love her, but you’re certainly not showing her respect. Call your mother 5 minutes every other day, build a good relationship, love her, respect her, show her you care. She raised you for 18+ years and did the best she could. Now you can’t be bothered with her? That’s a very sad and selfish situation. She is in the last days of her life and should not go out of it with children that do not respect her or show her love. I hope you apologize before she passes so you don’t live with the regret in your older years when your own children see the example you’re setting and treat you the same way.
It’s very difficult to be elderly and alone and I wish that upon no one. I am a caretaker for an elderly parent and the decline is staggering, days are difficult, love is abundant. My parent is heartbroken at times by other siblings that rarely check in but rarely say anything. Yes there are days they are manipulative, days they are tired, days they are happy, days they are full of life, days where you’re fighting to keep them in this world. It’s a difficult experience to watch someone grow old and decline but at least I know that they will not leave this world feeling deserted or unloved. Call your mother today, tomorrow is not promised.
Anonymous
09/01/2022 13:37
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
OP again. Sibling just called our mom. Was on the phone with her almost an hour and had to end the call- mom went down the list of DC and GC and even our ILs and complained that a whole summer went by and she didn’t get to see us enough.
Mom proclaimed that there’s not a more loving and devoted mom and once again, her family simply doesn’t do enough for her and she is having such a hard time dealing with the fact that her GC are grown and independent - as if she raised these children.
Now mom is on predictable course. Health concerns and facing surgery and lamenting that we’re not looking after her and will soon need to be shuttling her to appointments and on and on.
Unreasonable expectations. She expressed jealousy that my ILs (a decade younger) get to see my DC more than she does.
She’s acting like a spoiled brat.
Mom proclaimed that there’s not a more loving and devoted mom and once again, her family simply doesn’t do enough for her and she is having such a hard time dealing with the fact that her GC are grown and independent - as if she raised these children.
Now mom is on predictable course. Health concerns and facing surgery and lamenting that we’re not looking after her and will soon need to be shuttling her to appointments and on and on.
Unreasonable expectations. She expressed jealousy that my ILs (a decade younger) get to see my DC more than she does.
She’s acting like a spoiled brat.
Anonymous
09/01/2022 10:56
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
Anonymous wrote:Well, she is right. Look, I have a mom in AL, and I visit her on my schedule, not when she wants. Once a week is not enough, every other day is too much. For me, it works out to about every 5 days. She is hypercritical, never know what you're going to get on any visit. However, this is your mom, and be thankful she doesn't live with you! Be gracious.
No. I think for too long we have given women, it's always women, the message that they should accept abuse with a smile. It's OK for someone to manipulate you and insult you because sheees family, so just shut up, be meek, slap a smile on your face and do your job! Nope. You have a right to have boundaries. Nobody is allowed to demean you, not even your mom. You don't need to visit her more or less. You need to find your own comfort zone and figure out your own boundaries. I have no more tolerance for the disturbing messages that excuse horrible behavior. Even if it's dementia talking, then you can medicate the abusive behavior, not into a zombie, but into a human who isn't a monster.
Anonymous
09/01/2022 08:18
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
Well, she is right. Look, I have a mom in AL, and I visit her on my schedule, not when she wants. Once a week is not enough, every other day is too much. For me, it works out to about every 5 days. She is hypercritical, never know what you're going to get on any visit. However, this is your mom, and be thankful she doesn't live with you! Be gracious.
Anonymous
09/01/2022 08:08
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
OP here. Thanks for your comments and reassurance. I like the suggestions.
It’s a game, all of it. Like PP mentioned, nothing is enough. I could move my entire family into her house tomorrow, stay for a week and then get a call that we should have stayed longer.
She has to be constantly entertained and catered to. She just returned from a family event my sibling drove her to and just prior to this, we all gathered at her house to send off a college GC.
She inserts herself into other people’s lives and manipulates established plans in an embarrassing way. It’s nothing for her to fly in some long lost relative to “surprise” us at a family gathering or demand that I visit any of her houseguests (fewer these days).
It’s a game, all of it. Like PP mentioned, nothing is enough. I could move my entire family into her house tomorrow, stay for a week and then get a call that we should have stayed longer.
She has to be constantly entertained and catered to. She just returned from a family event my sibling drove her to and just prior to this, we all gathered at her house to send off a college GC.
She inserts herself into other people’s lives and manipulates established plans in an embarrassing way. It’s nothing for her to fly in some long lost relative to “surprise” us at a family gathering or demand that I visit any of her houseguests (fewer these days).
Anonymous
09/01/2022 07:30
Subject: Re:My Demanding Narc Mom
My mom has started crying a lot and then will switch to anger. Will not accept help but doesn't like how anything is done and criticizes how the family helps. Keeps track of who calls but never initiates calls.
No idea how to handle...guess I wanted you to know you aren't alone, OP.
No idea how to handle...guess I wanted you to know you aren't alone, OP.
Anonymous
09/01/2022 07:14
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
Anonymous wrote:How often do you actually see her, not counting the hospital visit type situations?
This is a poster who doesn't get it. I have a similar mother and it's a common scenario with these types. One social worker told me with some it doesn't matter if you see them daily, weekly, monthly or yearly, it's the same complaints. Don't play the game. Don't engage with the crazy.
You figure out what works for you and accept she cannot be pleased. I went the route of trying to have empathy for mom for years and it just made me more vulnerable to manipulation and it impacted my health. If she acts up, have an excuse to leave and see her less. If she cries wolf with emergencies and time and again it's nothing, stop responding. I know that sounds harsh, but it just reinforces it if she gets to see you with every fake emergency. If there is money there, use a service and hire an aide to be with her at the ER. If she is admitted you can get a sense of it is real and then go visit, but stop letting her hijack your life with BS. If she lectures you about being a bad daughter, exit stage left.
I learned I could bend over backwards and make myself miserable and mom would be unappreciative and demanding. I could do nothing and mom would be the same. So I decided I would do my best to be in her life and treat her with respect, but every time I got disrespect in return I would pull back more.
Anonymous
08/31/2022 23:50
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
How often do you actually see her, not counting the hospital visit type situations?
Anonymous
08/31/2022 23:45
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
Her feelings about... whatever, are hers to manage alone.
You do not need to absorb the guilt. Next time she asks something of you just reply, "I can't".
You do not need to absorb the guilt. Next time she asks something of you just reply, "I can't".
Anonymous
08/31/2022 23:34
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
I wouldn’t spent much time being concerned about these complaints. Sounds like you’re a good person to your mother in spite of her issues.
Anonymous
08/31/2022 23:24
Subject: My Demanding Narc Mom
This is a vent, mostly but can anyone tell me I’m not alone and you are going through something similar?
My 85 year old widowed mom is currently angry at me and my other local sibling because we aren’t spending enough time with her. She’s claiming that her peers and friends who live in a nearby assisted living community warned her that “eventually your adult children and grandchildren get consumed with their own lives and disengage” (and hence, why these women live in assisted living). She recently told me that I spend “far too much time worrying about my DC away at college” (and not enough time with her).
She follows a pattern where during a period where she is being “ignored” will end up in an ER with vague symptoms and sibling or I will scramble to drive her post discharge and to follow up appointments.
I have a career, a marriage and one DC in college and another in HS. My sibling is now an empty nester.
Our mom has always followed this pattern: constant need for attention and forced family gatherings. Becomes disappointed if she can’t get entire family together. Needs to be constantly entertained, yet proclaims she will never go to assisted living and wishes to live in her home.
Score keeps: which sibling and grandchild has called vs. not called in X days. She never calls us.
My 85 year old widowed mom is currently angry at me and my other local sibling because we aren’t spending enough time with her. She’s claiming that her peers and friends who live in a nearby assisted living community warned her that “eventually your adult children and grandchildren get consumed with their own lives and disengage” (and hence, why these women live in assisted living). She recently told me that I spend “far too much time worrying about my DC away at college” (and not enough time with her).
She follows a pattern where during a period where she is being “ignored” will end up in an ER with vague symptoms and sibling or I will scramble to drive her post discharge and to follow up appointments.
I have a career, a marriage and one DC in college and another in HS. My sibling is now an empty nester.
Our mom has always followed this pattern: constant need for attention and forced family gatherings. Becomes disappointed if she can’t get entire family together. Needs to be constantly entertained, yet proclaims she will never go to assisted living and wishes to live in her home.
Score keeps: which sibling and grandchild has called vs. not called in X days. She never calls us.