Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 12:03     Subject: Cheaters
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.


+100


I have a friend in this situation and am trying to tell him in the nicest possible way it will all blow up in his face but am getting nowhere. "I am not hurting anyone" and "we (he and AP) are just having a little fun." I'm at the point of just walking away from the friendship but I've known him forever and think of him as my little brother--he's six years younger and we grew up together. I still can't reconcile what I know about him (a stand up guy, devoted dad, etc) and this behavior.


Compartmentalization and disassociation. He’s not hurting anyone because nobody will find out . He thinks he is respecting his wife by keeping it a secret and never saying anything bad about her. 1-2 hours a month isn’t taking time from the family and it makes him less angry/a better dad/husband.

Oh the lies they tell themselves. It’s a very delusional world where both married affair partners can convince themselves they deserve some fun on the side and it isn’t hurting anyone. I’m not in love. It’s just sex so why should anyone care? He/she is married so they are safe, I don’t need to use condoms.

It will end in an explosive, spectacular fashion. It causes a near nervous breakdown when their secret is revealed and now their family and friends see what they have done. It doesn’t align with their inner values of how they see themselves as moral, honest and a good person with integrity. The shame is immense and the humiliation they feel. They severely underestimated the level of pain and trauma it would cause all of their loved ones, even their own parents. Most cannot stand seeing what they have done to those that they love.

Yeah. Your friend is in complete delusion and nothing you say will matter. “He’s got it under control.” He’s likely even cocky about it. He will cause a lifelong trauma to his spouse/kids. Anyone decent couldn’t live with themselves after that.

Not all affairs become known. People are delusional to think that it will always come out. I understand that feeling because it seems unfair if they get away with it. But believe me, there are way more affairs happening than anyone ever knows about.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 12:02     Subject: Cheaters
Anonymous wrote:Curious as to why a person feels the need to demoralize, gaslight and emotionally destroy their partner after they are discovered having an affair. Is it to justify your bad behavior? Is it a thrill to cheat and sneak around/get away with it?
If this describes your MO, are you a serial cheater and do you ever feel remorse?


It's like asking if the 500 lb man feels remorse when he's about to die or when he's sick and still ordering 10 pizza's a day. They just aren't capable of stopping themselves so for their own survival, they make themselves feel better about their actions. Why we all do bad things. There has to be an actual consequence for them to feel since they are so far removed from how their actions actually impact.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 11:38     Subject: Cheaters
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.


+100


I have a friend in this situation and am trying to tell him in the nicest possible way it will all blow up in his face but am getting nowhere. "I am not hurting anyone" and "we (he and AP) are just having a little fun." I'm at the point of just walking away from the friendship but I've known him forever and think of him as my little brother--he's six years younger and we grew up together. I still can't reconcile what I know about him (a stand up guy, devoted dad, etc) and this behavior.


Compartmentalization and disassociation. He’s not hurting anyone because nobody will find out . He thinks he is respecting his wife by keeping it a secret and never saying anything bad about her. 1-2 hours a month isn’t taking time from the family and it makes him less angry/a better dad/husband.

Oh the lies they tell themselves. It’s a very delusional world where both married affair partners can convince themselves they deserve some fun on the side and it isn’t hurting anyone. I’m not in love. It’s just sex so why should anyone care? He/she is married so they are safe, I don’t need to use condoms.

It will end in an explosive, spectacular fashion. It causes a near nervous breakdown when their secret is revealed and now their family and friends see what they have done. It doesn’t align with their inner values of how they see themselves as moral, honest and a good person with integrity. The shame is immense and the humiliation they feel. They severely underestimated the level of pain and trauma it would cause all of their loved ones, even their own parents. Most cannot stand seeing what they have done to those that they love.

Yeah. Your friend is in complete delusion and nothing you say will matter. “He’s got it under control.” He’s likely even cocky about it. He will cause a lifelong trauma to his spouse/kids. Anyone decent couldn’t live with themselves after that.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 10:06     Subject: Re:Cheaters
I agree with 8:51. I think it also has a lot to do with the cheater's need to validate what they are doing (especially if they are engaged in an "exit affair"). They are often cruel and insanely critical of their spouse because they need to be able to tell themselves "See? This is exactly why I'm in love with someone else/leaving. He/she can never do X right!"
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 10:03     Subject: Cheaters
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.


+100


I have a friend in this situation and am trying to tell him in the nicest possible way it will all blow up in his face but am getting nowhere. "I am not hurting anyone" and "we (he and AP) are just having a little fun." I'm at the point of just walking away from the friendship but I've known him forever and think of him as my little brother--he's six years younger and we grew up together. I still can't reconcile what I know about him (a stand up guy, devoted dad, etc) and this behavior.


It probably will blow up as his wife will see/feel the change in him; eventually he will get careless and his behavior will become impatient and cruel to his wife. If his long term plan is to emotionally destroy another and implode his family, he is on that track




Yep, that's crystal clear to me and I've never cheater or been cheated on. I really think he's deluding himself as the PP above wrote.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 09:59     Subject: Cheaters
Anonymous wrote:In my situation it was the consequences of the pandemic + a heaping serving of mid-life crisis = total destruction. Once I found out, the next road was my denial and he became my torturer and my comforter. Never knew what to expect each day. I started to question who this person was, and did I really know him in the first place. Everything was a lie and I am having a hard time reconciling what was ever real.




That is abuse. You are suffering the effects of trauma. Gaslighting is such a quaint word which fails to describe the mental f$kery, which is more aptly called brain washing.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 09:56     Subject: Cheaters
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.


+100


I have a friend in this situation and am trying to tell him in the nicest possible way it will all blow up in his face but am getting nowhere. "I am not hurting anyone" and "we (he and AP) are just having a little fun." I'm at the point of just walking away from the friendship but I've known him forever and think of him as my little brother--he's six years younger and we grew up together. I still can't reconcile what I know about him (a stand up guy, devoted dad, etc) and this behavior.


It probably will blow up as his wife will see/feel the change in him; eventually he will get careless and his behavior will become impatient and cruel to his wife. If his long term plan is to emotionally destroy another and implode his family, he is on that track


Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 09:48     Subject: Cheaters
Anonymous wrote:Curious as to why a person feels the need to demoralize, gaslight and emotionally destroy their partner after they are discovered having an affair. Is it to justify your bad behavior? Is it a thrill to cheat and sneak around/get away with it?
If this describes your MO, are you a serial cheater and do you ever feel remorse?



Everyone is different.

I think some of it is revenge for real or perceived slights or failings.
They feel entitled to have what they want.
Some of it is an actual desire to destroy the relationship so you can be free.
Some is power.
Some of it is cruelty.
Some is the thrill, yes.
My dad and my ex DH were cheaters, I think they regret it now.

It's amusing when the affairs turn into relationships or marriage. The thrill is gone. The drama, sneaking, forbidden fruit, sneaky sex.... and they are left with the misery of being married to a person... like themselves.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 09:42     Subject: Cheaters
In my situation it was the consequences of the pandemic + a heaping serving of mid-life crisis = total destruction. Once I found out, the next road was my denial and he became my torturer and my comforter. Never knew what to expect each day. I started to question who this person was, and did I really know him in the first place. Everything was a lie and I am having a hard time reconciling what was ever real.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 09:19     Subject: Cheaters
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.


+100


I have a friend in this situation and am trying to tell him in the nicest possible way it will all blow up in his face but am getting nowhere. "I am not hurting anyone" and "we (he and AP) are just having a little fun." I'm at the point of just walking away from the friendship but I've known him forever and think of him as my little brother--he's six years younger and we grew up together. I still can't reconcile what I know about him (a stand up guy, devoted dad, etc) and this behavior.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 08:55     Subject: Cheaters
Anonymous wrote:I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.


+100
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 08:51     Subject: Cheaters
I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 08:48     Subject: Re:Cheaters
I've never cheated, but my guess is that it's because they don't want to face the natural consequences of their actions. They've already thrown their morals out the window to cheat . . . why not throw in some gaslighting and deceiving to keep the party going? Affairs are fun. Divorces aren't.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 08:47     Subject: Re:Cheaters
Not all do. Some never say anything bad and instead tear apart the OW/OM and go on about how awful they (themselves) are for doing it.

But, almost all gaslight abs are critical of spouse during the affair.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 07:53     Subject: Cheaters
Curious as to why a person feels the need to demoralize, gaslight and emotionally destroy their partner after they are discovered having an affair. Is it to justify your bad behavior? Is it a thrill to cheat and sneak around/get away with it?
If this describes your MO, are you a serial cheater and do you ever feel remorse?