Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

Anonymous wrote:When my father passed away, I wanted to be left alone. My parents and ILs live in the same town and on our way out of town, ex-DH just HAD to stop by his house and his mother ambushed me with a hug I didn't want.
My ILs were total pigs about our free time and shunted my family aside for years. They were the last people I wanted to see and hear from at that moment.

It was all a precursor to the dissolution of my marriage. Their presumptuousness made it easier for me to leave that family behind.

And this has exactly what to do with OP’s emotional needs?

It kind of sounds like you're off the hook if one of them gets a cancer diagnosis, divorce' goes through a bankruptcy or so forth.

Just text them "so sorry to hear" and that's IT.

When my father passed away, I wanted to be left alone. My parents and ILs live in the same town and on our way out of town, ex-DH just HAD to stop by his house and his mother ambushed me with a hug I didn't want.
My ILs were total pigs about our free time and shunted my family aside for years. They were the last people I wanted to see and hear from at that moment.

It was all a precursor to the dissolution of my marriage. Their presumptuousness made it easier for me to leave that family behind.

What do you mean by “not real phone call.” Was there a phone call that you felt was inadequate?
Did they express their sympathies to you? What else did you want from them? I’m really trying to understand here.

I’m appalled they didn’t so much as send a card or flowers or a donation. I’d be polite but distant going forward.

Op - they do not need to have done more.

I think this comes down to personal preference, OP. Try not to let IL’s personal preference affect your feelings towards them. Personally, I would not expect a card. I appreciate when i receive one, but i know many people who do not. Thinking to send a card is a lovely idea, but sometimes people send religious sentiments or trite platitudes that might not be appreciated by the recipient. I also never feel like I know what to say. People grieve in such personal ways.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking cards and phone calls are the only way to offer support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a card would be nice but a text is sufficient.

+1. I would not let this affect your 19 year relationship, pp. They thought of you—that is enough. Sorry for your loss.

+1

I've been in the same boat.
I think a lot of people don't know how to handle death or illness. It was interesting to see that some of the most heartfelt messages came from people I barely know, while close friends or relatives weren't at all consistent. A couple texts but mostly silence.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a card would be nice but a text is sufficient.

+1. I would not let this affect your 19 year relationship, pp. They thought of you—that is enough. Sorry for your loss.

I feel like a card would be nice but a text is sufficient.

PP - why wrong?

You’re wrong.

Mom died last year. A long illness and a very sad death. Afterwards, I got a text from my MIL and one from my SIL. Both live out of the area, but still. No card, no flowers, no real phone calls. DH and I have been married 19 years. I think this has changed the way I want to interact with them. I think I'm kind of done.