She has borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. There’s no way to make this better. You need to just move on and get counseling for yourself.

Read stop walking on eggshells and seek out a therapist. A therapist can help you navigate your feelings about her and help you determine the best way to communicate with her.

I would not dramatically cut her off, and I definitely would not call the police for what you described. She wants the drama. Don't give it to her. Keep all communications to texting and keep them SHORT and LIGHT. If she sends a text berating or complaining about you, ignore it. If she sends a text asking for your favorite lawnmower brand, answer, but keep it short and sweet. Don't answer as soon as she sends a question. Wait a bit. You don't need to answer her right away.

Anonymous wrote:TLDR
Borderline personality disorder is my armchair diagnosis.

Yeah, she sounds like a few people in my family who have bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. It doesn’t really matter which it is. If she won’t treat it, it won’t get better. I know it can feel like it’s not that bad, or it would be more dysfunctional to cut her off, but you’re probably too close to the situation to realize how messed up it is. It doesn’t matter if she has a mental illness, personality disorder, head injury, or if she’s just a mean old snake coiled up waiting to strike. She’s causing you harm, and it’s affecting your family life. Continuing to enable her isn’t just a decision you’re making for yourself. You’re involving your DH and kids.

When you get some distance, you’ll probably find peace with the new low drama lifestyle. Then you can reflect and see how messed up these experiences are, and maybe make some choices not to continue that dysfunction and bring it into your home.

I hope she's not on DCUM. You put a lot of info in your post.

Anonymous wrote:TLDR
Borderline personality disorder is my armchair diagnosis.

Totally agree with this. Classic behavior. Read a book called “Stop Walking on Eggshells”.

Really sorry OP. This is so hard for you.

TLDR
Borderline personality disorder is my armchair diagnosis.

Her behavior might have contributed to your parents’ divorce: it’s very hard on a marriage to have a child with destructive special needs, especially if the parents don’t even admit that there’s a diagnosis, and don’t seek treatment for their child.

Back away slowly. You don't have to unfriend her, just block her and her contacts from seeing your social media. In fact, maybe stop using social media. Or make a new account just for a trusted few.

Trust your husband's gut since you are confused about your own. You need to extricate yourself from a relationship with her as much as possible. Your dad has the right idea.

All of this. Your judgment is skewed by your sense of guilt and familial obligation. Let your husband take the lead for now.

Is she bipolar? There is clearly severe mental illness. The victims are her defenceless and dependent children. They are likely living in an abusive environment and will be scarred for life.

Anyway, distance yourself and try to never see her again. It’s not worth it.

72
Hour
Hold
I feel Sorry for her kids, they should not be subjected to that

Therapy. Your whole family is being held hostage by this woman.

I’d work this out with a therapist. And I’d work on cutting her out of your life for good.

Drop the rope. Even if you patched it up now, you will always be walking on eggshells, and she will invent a reason to be dramatic and hurtful and divisive again.

“Kelly, I wish you well, but obviously we can’t have a productive relationship. Do not contact me again. If you have something to discuss with mom, discuss it with mom, or with mom’s attorney.”

Anonymous wrote:It ended when she threatened me, saying she would take me down and I should watch my back. Part of me just sees this as typical behavior for her, but I also know that she and her DH have guns, and she's the type who might file....

DH asked if I would consider getting the courts involved, due to the threats, but I feel as though that would just make things worse.

Back away slowly. You don't have to unfriend her, just block her and her contacts from seeing your social media. In fact, maybe stop using social media. Or make a new account just for a trusted few.

Trust your husband's gut since you are confused about your own. You need to extricate yourself from a relationship with her as much as possible. Your dad has the right idea.

My sister is my only sibling, and we were never super close growing up. I felt bullied by her when we were young and once I was old enough to push back, I did. When we started having kids, we got a bit closer and it's been a bit of an arm's length relationship for me. The thing is, I am convinced that she is mentally ill, and have been convinced of this for most of our lives. All her life, she has been hot and cold with all of her relationships. Even as a kid, she had a new best friend every year or so, until they had a big blow up and then that person became her enemy. I can't even list all the bridges she's burned in her life. Multiple schools, her kids' private schools, three different churches, countless kid activities, etc. There is always an issue. Everywhere she goes, there is eventually some incident that infuriates her and the other person immediately becomes the one who caused it, and is cut off forever. With most, if not all, of these incidents, the person remains out of her life, because they were usually just a friend. She has had bouts with both my parents (divorced) and our dad makes a point to reach out only on holidays, and does not give gifts, since she has burned him so many times in the past. He is not super engaged as it is, and lives out of state, but we communicate regularly and he sends gift cards to DH, the kids, and me on holidays and birthdays. But not to my sister's family. With my mom, she is much worse--curses her out, invites her over and then refuses to answer the door, threatens to sue over items from her childhood that my mom threw out, etc--but my mom keeps letting her come back in and act like nothing happened.

This past winter holiday season, there was a miscommunication about hosting events, and seemingly out of nowhere in February, my sister removed DH and me from all her social media. I sent her messages and she did not respond. She removed our mom as well, but sent her nasty text messages about old wrongs. I reached out a few more times, and after a month or two, she explained that she had been really stressed and in a bad place, and didn't feel supported. It didn't make much sense, but I'm used to it. Things seemed to go back to normal, and she messaged me asking for advice about things that relate to my career, some of our recent purchases, and vacation ideas.

Today, she messaged me a threatening note about an item of hers that my mom allegedly has at her house. I made the mistake of suggesting she go to our mom about it instead of putting me in the middle, and she lost her mind. I got a barrage of messages telling me that I'm no longer part of her family and that I'd better not contact her or her family again. I asked her to explain, and she went back to the miscommunication from December, which she has turned into an incident of complete and deliberate deception on my part. We went back and forth, with me trying really really hard to be calm and just get her to explain what in the world she was talking about. It ended when she threatened me, saying she would take me down and I should watch my back. Part of me just sees this as typical behavior for her, but I also know that she and her DH have guns, and she's the type who might file false reports about me or badmouth me to my employer, just to make my life difficult.

I just don't know where to go from here. I've made a point to keep the doors open, not because I particularly want a relationship with her, but because I recognize that she has at least some form of mental illness and I want to be there for her when she gets help for it. Her DH has tried to do an intervention more than once, but he always changes his mind at the last minute, and I think he feeds into her delusion by giving it credibility. I could block her number and remove her from my social media (right now her DH can still see my account, and I know he shows her what our family has been doing). DH asked if I would consider getting the courts involved, due to the threats, but I feel as though that would just make things worse. In my heart of hearts, I believe that this will blow over like everything else and she will soon be messaging me to ask what kind of lawnmower we have and do we like it.

I don't even know what I'm looking for in writing this, but it's stressing me out quite a bit. I'd be fine never talking to her again, but making that decision is tough. And cutting her off, even in social media, is really a bell that can't be unrung. Any sage advice for how to navigate this situation?