Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to take a break. Give yourself permission without feeling guilty. My mom is older and used to be kind but now is so angry and lashes out for everything. I had to step away from the regular contact for a little while for my mental health. Like your mom, she is taken care of and had plenty of friends and social interaction. You also have to take care of yourself and breath a little.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading the elder care forum and talking with my own friends. It’s sad to see how common the anger and anxiety are. I’m sorry you are going through this.

If you realize how common anger and anxiety are, then why can't you find it in yourself to continue regular contact? How hellish to enter that phase of old age only to have people abandon you in your hour of need, for something one can't even help.

You obviously don’t know what this is like. Giving my self a break without contact in this case meant I have gone 3 days without speaking to her, while I have still checked in with others. It’s not weeks or months. I was at least calling and talking to her daily and it can be a lot on top of working and taking care of my own family. Judge away but you can’t relate until you have lived it. I have other siblings too and they have spoken to her this week on the phone and in person. She is far from abandoned.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP that your brother has poisoned the well. I'd set it up so that your mom will get monthly updates. But she may be experiencing mental and cognitive decline that changes her personality.

+ 1 No one can stop someone from poisoning the well -- if that's what they set out to do, they will do it. There is no "The truth will win out in the end" bullshit when it comes to sociopaths. They win.

+2 Is there anyone else that you can bring in as a trusted advisor to help your mom understand that you are acting in her best interest?

Also, you need to speak with the people at the AL facility asap. They need to understand what is happening and that your brother is trying to manipulate your mother by casting doubt on you. They will understand the implications, especially since they will understand that your brother's goal is to move your mom to a less expensive facility so that he has access to more of her money.

I’ve discussed this with the AL and they said they can’t keep my brother from visiting.

Op here. Thank you all for such words of wisdom. It brought tears to my eyes. This is my first experience caring for a parent. My dad died suddenly from covid 18 months ago.
My brother demanded a meeting with a social worker he hired. The social worker completely sided with me. My brother left the meeting angry muttering under his breath. My mother wants my brother and I to make amends but it’s been impossible because he continues to question her cost of care. He’s obsessed with HER MONEY. He’s not married, has no children and is financially comfortable.
I’ve talked to my mom over and over how she can afford the best care with the money my father and her saved. Sometimes she’ll say, “but I won’t have anything left to leave to my children”. Ugh I want to pull my hair out! My brother and I only grow further apart and I don’t see us ever making amends.

It would be unusual for a person that age who is physically unable to care for themselves to be cognitively unaffected. Among other issues, stress and emotions can come out sideways.

It’s time to stop relying on your mom to make logical conclusions or to have reasonable emotional reactions. If she lashes out at you, you can’t take it personally. Keep visiting, and validate the emotion even if it’s unjustified.
“You stole from me, you know.”
“Mom, I can tell you feel like I have control of your finances and you don’t always know what’s going on. That must feel really awful.”
“You didn’t visit me” [because I accused you of stealing]
“It must feel kind of lonely here when you don’t have visitors. I’m glad I was able to come today.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP that your brother has poisoned the well. I'd set it up so that your mom will get monthly updates. But she may be experiencing mental and cognitive decline that changes her personality.

+ 1 No one can stop someone from poisoning the well -- if that's what they set out to do, they will do it. There is no "The truth will win out in the end" bullshit when it comes to sociopaths. They win.

+2 Is there anyone else that you can bring in as a trusted advisor to help your mom understand that you are acting in her best interest?

Also, you need to speak with the people at the AL facility asap. They need to understand what is happening and that your brother is trying to manipulate your mother by casting doubt on you. They will understand the implications, especially since they will understand that your brother's goal is to move your mom to a less expensive facility so that he has access to more of her money.

Anonymous wrote:Does your brother live close enough to meet you at your mother's AL? The three of you should have an in-person meeting where everyone sees all the financial docs. Full transparency. Your brother should bring pricing from cheaper AL options and let your mother choose which would work best for her, even though it sounds like she's in a good place. Tell them both you hate that money is coming between your loving relationships and you wish to move forward.

I think this is a good idea. OP, try to see this in terms of what you want for the future. I don't think you want your mom to die with this still hanging over your relationship.

The other thing I will say, as the daughter of a 94 year old, is that as my mom got older, her mind started to go a little. She became a little more paranoid, a little more subject to conspiracy theories. It started a little in her 70s and now that she's in her 90s she still has her mind but she is a shell of her former self. It doesn't really get easier. But you do want her to trust you, I think, so I would get everything out in the open and repair what you have/had, if you can.

Your brother is another story. Once trust there is lost, I'm not sure you can truly come back from that, or would want to. I have a brother kind of like that, but less aggressively against me. I will never trust him again, but I am outwardly kind to him and sociable. I just won't ever trust him with important parts of my life again, or treat him as a true friend.

I'm sorry, OP, and good luck!

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to take a break. Give yourself permission without feeling guilty. My mom is older and used to be kind but now is so angry and lashes out for everything. I had to step away from the regular contact for a little while for my mental health. Like your mom, she is taken care of and had plenty of friends and social interaction. You also have to take care of yourself and breath a little.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading the elder care forum and talking with my own friends. It’s sad to see how common the anger and anxiety are. I’m sorry you are going through this.

If you realize how common anger and anxiety are, then why can't you find it in yourself to continue regular contact? How hellish to enter that phase of old age only to have people abandon you in your hour of need, for something one can't even help.

When my grandmother started to decline mentally, she became VERY suspicious of everyone. This could be the case with your mother. I would let this go. I have no advice on the brother situation. He sounds like a d%ck.

Unwarranted suspicion that a trusted caretaker is stealing funds is very common sign of age-related cognitive decline. Do not take it personally. Do protect yourself and your mother however from your brother, who clearly values his potential financial windfall over the quality of his mother’s end-of-life care. That indicates he cannot be trusted.

It’s okay to take a break. Give yourself permission without feeling guilty. My mom is older and used to be kind but now is so angry and lashes out for everything. I had to step away from the regular contact for a little while for my mental health. Like your mom, she is taken care of and had plenty of friends and social interaction. You also have to take care of yourself and breath a little.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading the elder care forum and talking with my own friends. It’s sad to see how common the anger and anxiety are. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Does your brother live close enough to meet you at your mother's AL? The three of you should have an in-person meeting where everyone sees all the financial docs. Full transparency. Your brother should bring pricing from cheaper AL options and let your mother choose which would work best for her, even though it sounds like she's in a good place. Tell them both you hate that money is coming between your loving relationships and you wish to move forward.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP that your brother has poisoned the well. I'd set it up so that your mom will get monthly updates. But she may be experiencing mental and cognitive decline that changes her personality.

+ 1 No one can stop someone from poisoning the well -- if that's what they set out to do, they will do it. There is no "The truth will win out in the end" bullshit when it comes to sociopaths. They win.

I'm sorry OP that your brother has poisoned the well. I'd set it up so that your mom will get monthly updates. But she may be experiencing mental and cognitive decline that changes her personality.

It’s her bank account, even if you have your name on the account she should be sent the monthly statement. It’s still her money and you being upset about her questioning where it’s going says you shouldn’t be in charge.

I’m the only daughter who has taken complete control of my moms care since her loss of independence last year. She now lives in a beautiful AL with tons of friends.. I live an hr away and visit weekly. Meanwhile my brother and I have been estranged thru all this because he feels her cost of care is ridiculous which is whittling down our inheritance. He badgers her incessantly about the money she’s “wasting” on her care. I hired a financial advisor and showed her the numbers which shows she has enough till she’s 125 yrs old.
We’ve had a great relationship and in front of people she gloats about what a wonderful daughter I am. Well I know now she’s playing both sides and continues to believe my brother who accused me of stealing from her bank acct. She demanded I show her her bank statements in which I did. Of course it showed zero funds missing. Since then she has been very short with me and doesn’t call. The best part is she still expects me to visit her weekly. I have not been to see her in a few weeks and she’s furious. I’m so hurt she doesn’t trust me after all I’ve done and I’m not up to being around her right now. Fyi I don’t need her money because I have 10 times more than she does. I’m literally sick over what has transpired with our once very loving relationship.