Anonymous wrote:21:12 and 21:14 -- terrible advice. Please don't follow go this route, OP. Be hopeful about your DC's future. Help him get excited about putting a roof over his own head. Maybe start looking at rental listings together, or going over what he is looking for in a job, in a positive way.

Putting the screws on his is the opposite of what your son needs. Please don't do that.

Ugh sorry for all the typos.

21:12 and 21:14 -- terrible advice. Please don't follow go this route, OP. Be hopeful about your DC's future. Help him get excited about putting a roof over his own head. Maybe start looking at rental listings together, or going over what he is looking for in a job, in a positive way.

Putting the screws on his is the opposite of what your son needs. Please don't do that.

Tell him that you are giving him ample notice now that you expect him to be out by the end of January. That way he has plenty of time, and I think “by the first of January” would be too harsh and would ruin the holidays.

Put a specific date on it: He needs to be fully moved out by COB on Friday, January 27. On the 27th of every month, ask him if there’s anything you can do to help him prepare for his move-out date.

You need to make him pay full market rent. Don’t let him borrow the car. Don’t give him any money. Make him pay for his own groceries. Make clear he can’t have friends or dates over to the house.

The only thing I’d recommend you pay is health insurance because if he gets sick you might wind up footing the bill.

Op I don’t have adult children so I don’t think I can comment on the conversations and potential boundaries for moving out, though I think your gut is probably right on this one and him staying likely won’t be good for your relationship either. So though it might be hard supporting him in taking the next step is probably the right thing. But I did want to comment on the posters saying anxiety because I read that very much through your post - it really seems like he is likely anxious and that was why he avoided the interview. He may not be able to fully identify this, but I would be surprised if that wasn’t a factor. I think you could also link a plan/timeline to move out with an offer to couple that with helping him pay to see a therapist (and when/if he’s open and if the hereapist recommends considering it, maybe meds) and at some point you could help with a career coach that helps prep for interviews. This really helped my husband and his confidence when he was interviewing as his anxiety really revs up with job stuff and he does exactly the same - complains about his job, but is frozen in making a change and avoids it because he knows the interviews make him very nervous and he greatly fears the potential rejection

Make home life less cushy. He needs to contribute a full third of the chores and expenses. And what about his social life? If he’s not chomping at the bit to be out with friends then you have another issue. Have a frank talk that you don’t want to push him out because you don’t love him but rather because you want him to take more steps towards independence. Remind him it’s an important part of growing and maturing and he’s an adult and should be doing that.

If his unwillingness to find a better job is out of the equation… do you like having him around? If yes, I wouldn’t worry.
I mean, its not like he is costing you a ton of money, and you are financially comfortable anyway. You are getting older and hopefully he will be helping you out more and more.

I wouldn't put any pressure on him, since that seems to be shutting him down. His life is important and how you handle this could make a big difference in his future, and your future relationship.

He's scared. He's also basically homeless, because even though he's living with you, he's not welcome there. he knows it's not permanent and that's stressful.

Can you keep talking with him about job options without getting upset or stressing him out?

It sounds as if severe anxiety is at play here, and perhaps other mental health challenges as well. He should really consult a psychiatrist. I have a nephew who lives at home with his father, and has diagnosed anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies. He's always talking about interviewing, getting jobs, or going back to school, but it never materializes. I hope your son can get the treatment he needs and push through this difficult period.

we feel like, honestly, he is using us and our finances to just coast through life.

OH!! you just made a huge jump! A year or two, at ome, during covid ... is not an entire "life"
How about this, establish a timeline. How about 6 months. Tell him he needs to be settled out of the house by then, and then don't argue about it any more. Geeez, he doesn't have a car? You said you offered to lend him your car for the interview. Him not owning a car is a huge problem.

Anonymous wrote:So, he is soon to be 27? He needs a hard deadline. Make it reasonable 3-4 months and then, DON’T TALK ABOUT until the week before. I don’t get these parents who save all the pretend rent money and return to their child. What is that teaching them?

It is teaching them to live on their income minus money for housing and ultimately it might help them secure a place to live with a security deposit and first month's rent.

So, he is soon to be 27? He needs a hard deadline. Make it reasonable 3-4 months and then, DON’T TALK ABOUT until the week before. I don’t get these parents who save all the pretend rent money and return to their child. What is that teaching them?

I don’t think you can kick him out without damaging your “nice” relationship with him, at least in the short term. He has put you in that position by letting himself fall back to a dependent, childlike state. As you mentioned, there have been many adult children that moved back in with their parents during Covid but have managed to move forward on their academic/job goals. Give him back his Covid contributions for rent to cover moving expenses and a firm deadline to move out (e.g., by Labor Day). You need to be his parents now, not his friends.

I would assume it will damage your relationship

In March of 2020, my then-24 year old son moved back into our home from a city around 2 hours away. Prior to this, he had been living independantly for the most part since he was 18 and doing pretty well. Got a college degree, was paying his own bills and generally being pretty independent. We had given him a bit of money to help with rent or bills on a few occasions, but we were okay with that because we are comfortable financially and he wasnt begging for money or asking often.

Prior to 2020 he was working in restaurants. We weren't happy with this, primarily b/c he didnt enjoy it and we felt he was a bit hesitent to look for better work, but we generally let our kids make their own decisions. So obviously, when everything was shut down he found himself in a tough situation (at the time we didnt know what help would be coming) so we helped him move back home.

At first, it seemed like it was a great situation. Honestly, we enjoyed having him back and really getting to know him as an adult as he left right at 18 and while he would visit, we weren't close enough geographically that we really saw him more then a few times a year, and honestly, he did help out around the house and with everything going on. He got unemployment, and then the expanding unemployment and the stimulus, and did give us some rent money from those funds (we never really asked for rent money, we are financially comfortable and we wanted to help him out and allow him to get back on his feet). He also seemed to be very motivated to get a job outside of the restaurant industry, he was applying for jobs constantly, getting interviews, etc. In spring of 2021 he got a job in a restaurant, making okay money. We had mixed feelings with this as we felt it was going backwards, but he said he still wanted to keep looking for a better more professional job that would use his degree, but was feeling very discouraged and felt like he needed to start doing something again and try to rebuild. He did also start paying some rent (nowhere near market rate, but we were fine with that).

But ever since then, we feel like he has stopped seriously looking for a job and we have started to argue a lot more, primarily over this. He still says he is looking for a job, but he very clearly isnt taking it seriously or putting in the effort. He has no showed to interviews (always with an excuse) and has been getting more and more anxious when we ask about the job search. A few weekends ago he actually got an interview for an entry level position in the field he has repeatedly said is his goal, but it was in person in Virginia Beach. He went back and forth with their HR, and we offered to let him borrow our car and buy him a hotel room so he could go down there and attend the interview), but he ultimately declined the interview because he didnt think it was fair that the company wouldn't let him interview over zoom (the job would be in person, as are most of the jobs in this field, which he was fine with). This ended in a huge fight because we felt that him turning down this interview just showed that he wasn't serious about looking for other work, especiall;y because this interview was set up based specifically off of a recommendation by a close family friend who consults with the company.

Whenever these arguments come up, he always comes back with the fact that he isn't the only person in this situation and he is trying his best but wont just take a job to get out of our house, if the company wont even consider a virtual interview he doesn't see why he should be expected to shift around his schedule and drop everything for a trip down there. Honestly, in 2020 or even 2021, I would agree that he was hardly the only person stuck in this position, and in fact we knew quite a few people who moved back home to restart their lives and make changes, but at this point the vast majority of his peers seem like they have at least started to rebuild their lives in one way or another. Of four other families we know who were thrown into this situation, three of their adult children have moved back out, gotten into jobs they wanted, and seem to be thriving, and the fourth is still living at home, but is working and rebuilding their life as well.

For us, we would have no problem if he loved working in restaurants and serving tables, so this isn't a 'why wont my son grow up and get a real job' post. Our nephew is a career server, bartender, and chef who has built a wonderful career in - and around - restaurants, so we know that some people are driven to work with food and in hospitality, and that is great. But our son will say in one breath that he hates his job and needs to find other opportunities, and then turn around and in another breath announce he is turning down an opportunity because he doesnt feel like it would go anywhere.

We are fed up, and we feel like, honestly, he is using us and our finances to just coast through life. We dont want to make it a huge argument, but we do want him to move out. He makes enough money to rent a room in a shared group house, and I personally think right now that him living with us is not doing abody any favors - it is just allowing him to postpone and tread water. We will still always be there to help and support him - when needed - but we do need advice from parents who may have gone through this about how to 'kick him out' without damaging our relationship with him?