OP here, thanks for the replies everyone. I did a count to 10 today while he was upset and it worked quite well. I feel like the key for me is just any kind of quick intervention that short circuits the anger. Appreciate the responses, last night was just one of those nights.

Big big hugs!! You're doing your best right now. You won't be patient all the time, you're still grieving and you're a single mom of small children.

How much help do you have? Do you ever get a break? I bet hiring a sitter for a few hours once a week would help you reset and be more patient. Kids wear you thin and you don't have anyone to tap you out.

My other suggestion is to be consistent about early bedtimes for your kids. Very scheduled. The consistency will help them fall asleep the same time each night AND you'll have more time to yourself.

You've got this.

No advice — I just wanted to send you a hug.

OP— that sounds super hard. Keep trying on therapy. Is there a peer support group for widows that you could attend in the meantime? Do you ever get a break? Even just for an hour to get a manicure or take a walk with a friend? Sending peace and courage OP. Grief is hard work, and it must be harder even for small children who don’t have words to express it. Be patient, gentle and kind to yourself. One minute, one hour,one day at a time.

OP, I'm so sorry. You have gotten some good advice about perhaps seeking help for depression.

As to the anger management, I was recently looking for resources to help a family member and found this resource offered by the Department of Veteran's Affairs.

https://www.veterantraining.va.gov/aims/

Some of it is targeted toward VA specific issues, but much of learning module applies to anyone. It covers topics like recognizing your triggers and offers training in CBT based strategies and deep breathing to help you control your anger. I started doing it myself to see what it was about. Maybe consider giving it a try?

I also wanted to throw out there that someone else on DCUM mentioned the VA mental health resources that are available to anyone interested.

I wish you the best.

Anonymous wrote:Zoloft. Seriously.

+1 You sound depressed and your child’s sadness is triggering your own sadness.

Good quality ear plugs help tame the edge off.

Go Zen has a really good session about parent anger and how we can better manage, part of it is framing this as what skill is my child trying to or needing to learn?

This is how they learn!

The other things is you are under extra pressure and sometimes in those moments it feels like you failed some how... but this is normal healthy expression of a feeling bigger than a skill set. And your kids are OK to see your humanness.

[quote=Anonymous]I’m a widow, 2 young kids. Husband died when my youngest was 1. I have no help and sometimes I feel like I get too angry and then I act (yell/make things worse) before I am rationally thinking. My main trigger, the only time this happens, is when my youngest (2 year old boy) gets really upset and starts screaming. It is actually pretty rare that he does this, 2 times it has happened in the last 6 months where he really lost it and each time I got angry and yelled and just made it worse when a loving calm response would’ve diffused it faster. Since I know that his yelling is my trigger I am thinking if I can tell one of these tantrums has started just to like step aside and count to 30 or 60, anything to get my rational brain working again. Any tips on this topic is appreciated. Also, have been trying to find a therapist that works with my insurance and have gone through a few that haven’t really helped, so please don’t suggest therapy, I’m already trying to make that work. [/quote]

Many churches have free counseling and it isn't religious. Have you had grief counseling because this helps tremendously after a death. I am so sorry that you're going through this alone.

Take a deep breath and count to 10.

OP, go easy on yourself. parenting in these times is no easy task, alone, with help, whatever way you cut it, we are constantly being stretched beyond our limits in myriad ways. Strategize on how you can do better, apologize to your kid when things go haywire, and be sure you have a well-maintained self-care routine! My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry for your loss, but you are doing the best you can given the circumstances.

Reach out to other parents and find out what works for kids your same kiddos age/stage. This has helped me tremendously. I'm in an online parents support group for parents all over the world with kids my kids' ages. It's ultra helpful!!! Be sincere about your needs and honest aboiut mistakes. Your kids can forgive you if you model merciful behavior and sincerely do everything in your power to improve yourself.

Hugs to you!!! Wish you all the best!!!

Zoloft. Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry op. This must be so difficult.

I used to yell a lot. What has helped me stop yelling is to know my triggers, two of which are being tired and hungry! So I have to force myself to get more sleep and snack often. In the moment when the kids are driving me crazy and I can feel the anger start to build, I do sometimes step away for a moment, after I make sure they’re in a safe place. I also sometimes yell that they’re acting like children, which helps me get out some frustration but in a fun way - they think it’s hilarious.

When I start to lose patience with a tantrum I try a mantra like “he’s having a hard time he’s not giving me a hard time.” Sometimes that helps. Also with my older kid, who is 6 so still quite young, I look at her hands. I notice how small they are, they’re still chubby. She is so young. That helps me switch to feeling more empathetic and less angry.

Also, sometimes I yell, and it makes things worse. I’m not perfect. I’m still a good mom.

That’s a nice post, thank you internet stranger. I am over here crying by myself on the couch after they fell asleep because I just feel so bad when I get things wrong. I know if my husband were here he’d be like hey it’s no big deal. It’s hard when you have no one to support you.

I am a single mom and it is tough going at it alone. I had a yelling day this morning when my daughter refused to leave the house and I was running late for work. Later on, I regrouped and tried to problem solve on how to make the mornings go better. It's really hard when you are in the moment.

I’m so sorry op. This must be so difficult.

I used to yell a lot. What has helped me stop yelling is to know my triggers, two of which are being tired and hungry! So I have to force myself to get more sleep and snack often. In the moment when the kids are driving me crazy and I can feel the anger start to build, I do sometimes step away for a moment, after I make sure they’re in a safe place. I also sometimes yell that they’re acting like children, which helps me get out some frustration but in a fun way - they think it’s hilarious.

When I start to lose patience with a tantrum I try a mantra like “he’s having a hard time he’s not giving me a hard time.” Sometimes that helps. Also with my older kid, who is 6 so still quite young, I look at her hands. I notice how small they are, they’re still chubby. She is so young. That helps me switch to feeling more empathetic and less angry.

Also, sometimes I yell, and it makes things worse. I’m not perfect. I’m still a good mom.

I’m a widow, 2 young kids. Husband died when my youngest was 1. I have no help and sometimes I feel like I get too angry and then I act (yell/make things worse) before I am rationally thinking. My main trigger, the only time this happens, is when my youngest (2 year old boy) gets really upset and starts screaming. It is actually pretty rare that he does this, 2 times it has happened in the last 6 months where he really lost it and each time I got angry and yelled and just made it worse when a loving calm response would’ve diffused it faster. Since I know that his yelling is my trigger I am thinking if I can tell one of these tantrums has started just to like step aside and count to 30 or 60, anything to get my rational brain working again. Any tips on this topic is appreciated. Also, have been trying to find a therapist that works with my insurance and have gone through a few that haven’t really helped, so please don’t suggest therapy, I’m already trying to make that work.