OP - If you are the only one helping your dad, then make sure he has the proper legal planning done so you can at least be handle his health directive care wishes. I hope you also have his POA. It is time to get an idea of his finances and options on what he might afford as care needs increase in your area. If on his own, a medic alert bracelet for a fall coukd be a relief to you. You will get little sympathy or appreciation for the care you are providing so ooeate as if you are an only child in looking at a balance good for your own personal and family life first and dad second. Decide what you can and can ‘t do.

Move your dad somewhere he is not such a burden to you.

Kids dont have to take care of their of their parents. They dont owe them. Its nice you are doing that, but he should have prepared financially for retirement. What if he didnt have kids? He should have planned accordingly instead of hoping for others to stop their fun lives for him. He has already lived and he should allow his kids to do the same.

Anonymous wrote:Every child of an ailing parent I know has helped them unless:

1. They had a psychiatric disorder that made them dysfunctional and too self-obsessed to care about others.
2. They had suffered abuse or neglect as children at the hands of that parent.
3. They lived too far away.

Now when I say "help", I do see that some adult children help more than others. But everyone not in the 3 categories above does something. And even the ones in 3 send money, or call regularly, or try in some way to be involved. My husband lives a continent away from his ailing mother, but he's the only doctor in the family, and he supervises her medical care from afar.

Living far away is not a valid excuse. It is a cop out. There are things they can help with.

Every child of an ailing parent I know has helped them unless:

1. They had a psychiatric disorder that made them dysfunctional and too self-obsessed to care about others.
2. They had suffered abuse or neglect as children at the hands of that parent.
3. They lived too far away.

Now when I say "help", I do see that some adult children help more than others. But everyone not in the 3 categories above does something. And even the ones in 3 send money, or call regularly, or try in some way to be involved. My husband lives a continent away from his ailing mother, but he's the only doctor in the family, and he supervises her medical care from afar.

I agree with previous poster that everyone's childhood is different, even among close-in-age siblings. (I have 5.) You learned to be a caretaker, they didn't.

Unfortunately, no one teaches us how to handle aging parents. Your siblings may be scared about your father's decline. Not excusing their behavior, just making an observation.

Continue to ask for help with specific tasks, knowing that it may not happen. Outsource whatever your father can reasonably afford to. And make sure you're taking care of yourself.

Best wishes to you, OP. This stuff isn't easy and your frustration is justified.

Anonymous wrote:Which kids aren’t helping? Brothers or sisters? I hate to be stereotypical, but guys don’t always know what “helping” means. Can you assign tasks? For example:
Joe - mow the lawn once/week
Harry - help with maintenance of Dad’s car
Mary - setup auto bill paying

I would not assign. I would ask if they could do this. If not, use the money dad has to make it happen if he can afford it along with long term care.

Clearly they don't feel the same way you do and it's not uncommon for each sibling to view childhood and parents differently and to have different relationships in adulthood.

In is interesting that 4 siblings do not have families of their own. Sure some people don't want to get married and/or have kids, but the percentage in your family is high enough I wonder if your family life was not pleasant for them,

If there is money there, hire some help. You can even hire someone to assess level of functioning and what he needs so siblings are less likely to argue with you. You cannot force anyone to do anything, but you might as well throw money to make sure he gets good care.

Which kids aren’t helping? Brothers or sisters? I hate to be stereotypical, but guys don’t always know what “helping” means. Can you assign tasks? For example:
Joe - mow the lawn once/week
Harry - help with maintenance of Dad’s car
Mary - setup auto bill paying

You know that your parents were good to them, and you know a whole lot of other things, but you don't know why they don't want to help. I'm also surprised that you just cannot ask them if you really don't know why they don't want to help.
I hope I don't have to help my parents. My childhood was hell. My sister doesn't completelyagree though. She knows it was bad, but she was older and got out of the house sooner.

Anonymous wrote:That is weird. Can they not handle negative things? As I grow older I’ve seen that when things get tough some people tend to run away from a problem rather than deal with it because emotionally they cant deal with any serious problems.

+1 plus probably in denial about the seriousness. Maybe when your dad asks them he downplays it, and it sounds like he just wants company vs needing help. (Your post sorta sounds that way too actually, maybe you need to be more pointed that when you visit it’s because he can no longer manage daily life himself without some assistance.)

That is weird. Can they not handle negative things? As I grow older I’ve seen that when things get tough some people tend to run away from a problem rather than deal with it because emotionally they cant deal with any serious problems.

Maybe you were the favorite and their childhood was different than yours. Maybe they are just selfish people.

I don’t get it either, pp.

My rant: There's five of us and we had great parents growing up. Parents were involved and empathetic with all of us. Helped each of us when we needed it. They provided for us financially and emotionally. I'm a middle child.
Mom is previously decreased. Now my elderly dad needs some help - mainly just check ins to make sure he's ok. We all live close to him. I'm the only one who seems to be able to help him at anytime. The other siblings do not have families of their own and do not have time to help Dad per their own admission. I've asked for help and it has fell on deaf ears. Dad has asked them to help same thing - saying yes and never showing up. They certainly have time to travel - non work and help others ( non family) at any given day/time who treat my siblings poorly. I really do not know why I'm surprised by this, they didn't help with mom 7 years ago. Not asking for advice. Just can't believe that they can't lift a finger to help Dad who has been there for each of them at any given time even very revently.