You have dodged a bullet. In time this reframing may be easier and automatic, but how lucky you are to have not started out a new year with that bad rubbish. Block him. He probably won't come back but block him. You said that you have been working on this for a while. In the beginning, with no kids and no aging parents it should be easy and fun. It gets harder but that is when you draw on all of that love and goodwill and pure joy from the beginning. Please consider going to therapy (short term, I don't think everything needs a therapist) to help you process this and to deal with what might be hard as you learn to trust yourself and your instincts again. This is a good time in your life to start again, and summer is the perfect time to get out and have some easy breezy dates when you are ready.
Finally, do not mourn him or the relationship. Any "mourning" would you be wishing he was a different person and you can't make that happen.

You dodged a bullet OP. Stay far far away from him.

He is mean to the core. No one should break up this way.

Block him.

Be kind to yourself.

NO ONE should be spoken to that way, OP.

He showed you who he really is. Be glad it was now and not after you married and had kids with him. Block him and do not look back. If he apologizes, do not get get back together with him. And learn to stay away from temperamental guys.

He got triggered and had a rage outburst. It has nothing to do with you, it’s his inability to regulate emotions. Based on what he said he sounds extremely immature. This is a WIN for you, you learned early enough what an awful life partner he would have been. Process this and don’t take this baggage with you when you are ready to restart dating.

In time, maybe you can look back and see if there were any red flags that you ignored. Hard to believe this is the first time he acted immaturely:

Run away. Delete, block. This is a blessing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I realize this sounds like me whining that I'm good and perfect and he's a horrible person. That's not what I'm trying to say. I have flaws, and I think he is a good person at his core. I am not trying to whine. I just want to know how to trust again.

He is not a good person at his core. Good people don’t hurl that abuse. I guess at the very best he is deeply, deeply immature - and a douche.

I’ve had several long-term relationship in my life and a few heartbreaks but nobody ever spoke to me that way. The things he said -besides being cruel - sounded like something a 10 year old would say. Even if he was just speaking in anger and didn’t mean ir - doesn’t excuse it.

I really cannot imagine that in the years you were together, you never saw signs of this stuff. He gave you a gift and now you are FREE and I’m thrilled for you. But the work now is not in trusting another man - it’s trusting yourself. You’ll get there by taking the time to grieve this relationship and process what happened - including the signs that he had issues that you overlooked or missed.

We had our issues. He was moody and temperamental but he was never cruel. This was just a level of cruelty I had never seen from him.

Anonymous wrote:And I realize this sounds like me whining that I'm good and perfect and he's a horrible person. That's not what I'm trying to say. I have flaws, and I think he is a good person at his core. I am not trying to whine. I just want to know how to trust again.

He is not a good person at his core. Good people don’t hurl that abuse. I guess at the very best he is deeply, deeply immature - and a douche.

I’ve had several long-term relationship in my life and a few heartbreaks but nobody ever spoke to me that way. The things he said -besides being cruel - sounded like something a 10 year old would say. Even if he was just speaking in anger and didn’t mean ir - doesn’t excuse it.

I really cannot imagine that in the years you were together, you never saw signs of this stuff. He gave you a gift and now you are FREE and I’m thrilled for you. But the work now is not in trusting another man - it’s trusting yourself. You’ll get there by taking the time to grieve this relationship and process what happened - including the signs that he had issues that you overlooked or missed.

He revealed his true, deeply unkind self. You are well out of it but it will take some time before you understand that.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t ever give yourself away again.

Disagree. She shouldn’t not fall in love again.

Don’t ever give yourself away again.

No contact. Focus on your life. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. 29 is THE perfect age to be starting over. You have lots of experience but are still plenty young and can date.

I keep recommending this book summary (despite the terrible title):
http://bookoutlines.pbworks.com/w/page/14422733/Why%20Men%20Marry%20Some%20Women%20And%20Not%20 Others

If you have issues to work on internally, interview therapists until you find one that clicks.

For the immediate days and weeks, focus on quality sleep, nutrition and hydration.

And I realize this sounds like me whining that I'm good and perfect and he's a horrible person. That's not what I'm trying to say. I have flaws, and I think he is a good person at his core. I am not trying to whine. I just want to know how to trust again.

I was dumped on my birthday by the guy I thought was the love of my life. This was not a short-term fling. We were together for several years. We went out for a very romantic dinner on my birthday. The ride home was nice, we were talking and laughing and listening to music. Then he said I had done something that annoyed him earlier in the week. I apologized and explained that was not my intent. Long story short, this went on for about 3-5 minutes until he said "We're DONE" and started driving me home. We had been working on our relationship for a few weeks - I knew that he was unhappy but we were working on things. I figured it was a phase - during covid, I went through a phase where I was unhappy and questioned the relationship, but I gave him a second chance. I was glad that I did. Just two weeks ago he said he loved me and that he was going to give the relationship the chance it deserved.

My heart is broken. But what gets me isn't just the heartbreak. It's the things he said while breaking up with me. He didn't just say "This isn't working out, I wish you all the best." He said:
-That he hated me
-That he didn't like a single thing about me
-That nothing I did would make me good enough for him
-That if he never saw me again he would be happy
-That he had no respect for me (I asked why and he said "Because I hate you.")
-That I was "lower than a roach" to him (this is a real thing he said - I have never in my life heard anyone say this)
-That I was a crazy b itch
-At one point I asked what I did and could we talk about it and he said "Oh my god, are you deaf or dumb?"

I started crying and asking what I did wrong and he mocked me in a whiney voice. I said "You told me you loved me earlier" and his response was "I was lying. I owe you nothing."

Heartbreak aside, I am struggling for other reasons. I spent years with someone I loved, and thought was a kind person, only to be spoken to this way at the end. I don't know how I will ever be able to trust any man that I love again. I just turned 29. I was in a relationship with someone I loved who I truly considered my best friend (and he said the same, although I suppose in hindsight he was lying). I'm starting over. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice? I know I'll be okay I just don't even know where to start picking up the pieces.