Anonymous wrote:1) Honestly, and I say this as the kid who was not well dressed and did not have a good haircut, looks matter a lot. Don’t tell your dd this, but definitely make the following available to her: a good haircut; contacts if she has glasses; enough nice and fashionable clothes.

Things improved for me once I got contacts, got my braces off, and finally grew out my bangs and hair appropriately.

2) tell her to smile and be friendly and civil and nice.

3) join activities. Theater can be a good way to meet people, though time consuming. Tech could be good for someone who likes visual arts. Does she like photography? If so maybe yearbook? If there is a community service club, join that

Also, if she doesn’t have a great experience ninth grade, and you can afford to, send her to an arts camp like interlochen where she might meet other quirky kids the summer after ninth. Or try to find some other activity where she can have a positive social experience.

1) Honestly, and I say this as the kid who was not well dressed and did not have a good haircut, looks matter a lot. Don’t tell your dd this, but definitely make the following available to her: a good haircut; contacts if she has glasses; enough nice and fashionable clothes.

Things improved for me once I got contacts, got my braces off, and finally grew out my bangs and hair appropriately.

2) tell her to smile and be friendly and civil and nice.

3) join activities. Theater can be a good way to meet people, though time consuming. Tech could be good for someone who likes visual arts. Does she like photography? If so maybe yearbook? If there is a community service club, join that

I tried to get my DC, who is very socially anxious, to try out some clubs, but they were really reluctant. Ended up making a small friend group through a talkative classmate, and the group grew organically over the first year. Now that DC is going into 10th grade and feeling more comfortable, I think they will join more clubs this year and grow socially that way.

My sons found their friends through sports. My daughter also played a sport, so she had girls to hang with, but she didn't really like them all that much. Instead, her closest friends turned out to be girls who were into visual arts, writing and drama. How did that happen? Actually, one of the moms took the lead and encouraged her DD to invited a bunch of girls over for dinner and a movie one night. Then other girls -- also with encouragement from their moms -- reciprocated. Over the years, they evolved into a tight and supportive and wonderful group of friends who are now planning a trip to Europe next year after college graduation. It's been a delight to see them grow up together and I'm grateful to the mom who gave them the nudge they needed to reach out.

Common interests. My oldest did t find friends until he was in 11th grade and started vo tech. My youngest was in sports and also just made friends in her classes. I think clubs are a great way to make friends and HSs offer so many.

I was a quiet shy kid and went to a very large public high school. I met friends in two ways.

1. We happened to be sitting near each other in class and the other kid was really talkative. I would never initiate a conversation but sometimes they did and we had common interests.

2. More likely - I joined a lot of things and met friends with common interests. Yearbook, art club, environment type clubs, walk on sport later (I wasn’t athletic at all but friends were doing it), band (I didn’t play anything but tried the color guard for a season). I did not do all of those clubs at once but would go to at least a couple meetings if something sounded interesting. I especially liked yearbook because we were doing something.

Our older DS was sporty, but when he went to hs DS did not click with the others on his team. It wasn't hostile, but they were not going to be his real friends. It was a hard first few months. DS joined two other clubs and found his friend group by the end of freshman year. Our experience is that even with kids where you think finding friends is going to be easy, you have to have patience and try new things. Good luck to your DC

DS transferred to the HS sophomore year and quickly made friends in his homeroom. It's one class session that meets every day and is basically free time so it was a place where there was nothing much to do but talk, great place to make connections.

DD started marching band the summer before 9th grade and most of her friends are in band.

I read somewhere that kids do better/are happier if they pick three clubs or activities and attend at least three sessions of each. That seemed both quantifiable and manageable, so DD and I agreed that would be her plan.

For non-sports kids the big group things are band and theater. Mind you - you do not have to be particularly good on an instrument to do marching band. We are not talking symphony here. My youngest was in a marching band that did lots of competitions (it’s a big thing in some states). 1,000 kids in the school. 200 kids in marching band. I am positive there were kids who could not play a note out there. And - there is also flag corp which is the only band group that puts in more time than drum corp. No music knowledge required.

Theater is also a good group thing. Mostly non-sports kids but not always. My advice is to definitely go for a on stage role as a freshman. No - they will not get a lead, but it is a good way to meet lots of people. The director at one of my kid’s high schools explained the process to parents as: Freshman are trees. Background. Chorus. The shopkeeper who says “Bonjour” to Belle. The sophomores are still chorus but get a line or two. Juniors will get a named role, which may include a quick solo and a few lines. Seniors will get the major roles if they have been doing it through the years. All my kids loved the musicals. None ever had a major role. In both schools the theater kids were nice. And, with both marching band and theater your kid gets to meet some upperclassmen which is nice.

It can be catching though. Our oldest went into high school as a football baseball kid. By Senior year he was a music kid. He got a music Ed degree, taught choir and orchestra 4 years at a high school, stopped to get his masters in choral conducting, and he and his wife are moving East next week for his new job. And, we made him take choir his freshman year because it would be an easy “no homework” elective for him during football season.

sounds like theatre, band or sports. Op, are you sure there isn't any Fall sport she could do? Just to stay fit and meet people. That starts in Aug and the kids already have friends before school starts.

It took a week and a half. One boy complimented her on her t-shirt and then they started sitting next to each other in math class. Then two girls approached her and asked if she was friends with a random girl who didn't go to their school. She became friends with both of them.

I still remember exactly where we were sitting and which restaurant when DD told me, "So I um, don't want to jinx it, but think I may have made some friends."

What about the theater group/stage crew or whatever they call it these days? Are the available school clubs listed online? Have her choose some that interest her. Tell her to pay attention to when the club meets (usually on the morning announcements) and attend a few meetings. Emphasize trying out these clubs. she might find a few that fit her. BTW, join in September- lots of kids think joining a club in January, when everyone knows each other, is embarrassing 😀

Join as many things that interest her as possible.

DS who is in to sports and social seemed to magically find the other sporty kids at his large public high school school and easily make friends. It didn't matter if they were in French class or in art class, they somehow found each other even outside of tryouts and school teams. DD is more introverted and her interests are more in visual arts. She had a hard time socially in middle school and is headed to 9th next year. She's asked DS for advice but all she got was a shrug.

How did your child find their group? Was it from one activity or did they meet at freshman orientation or are all they all from one neighborhood? I went to a small religious private so I'm out of my element. What advice do you have for a rising 9th grader and what can a parent do to support such a child?