Anonymous wrote:The talk has always been that they'll go to college. Now if that happened to be a local college within commuting distance then sure, they could of course continue living here. But I've raised and disciplined my kids to be kind and courteous people who are pleasant to be around.

OP asked for help, not a report of your perfect parenting and children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do yours assume they can? Do you talk about it all through high school or after?

One of my teens is a very difficult person to parent and often a difficult person to be around. The other younger teen is easy going, level and pleasant. These have been their temperaments since birth.

The thing is, I don't want to allow older teen to continue living here. They are a high source of stress and household tension. I want younger teen to have some space. Try as I may to properly parent, bring in resources, give whatever I can, they are set on their chosen path. I can't expend myself to them indefinitely, it's difficult and depressing. I feel it's my responsibility to try at least until they're 18.

At one point I did imagine both kids would live at home during post secondary. Now I know that likely is not viable. At what point do you leave it up to them to figure out their own life/job/options? Do you have conversations starting in gr.11? gr.12?

Anyone else feel flat out no to the thought of their teens continuing to live at home? Some people have their adult 22-25 year olds still at home and it seems to work well and everyone seems happy.

Can I give you some advice, OP? Try to stop thinking about when your older kid will leave the house and address these issues now.

I'm sure you are a very good parent. Parenting is typically very difficult and the teenage years are typically the hardest. But you can make some changes to address this situation and make your life better now, rather than just white-knuckling it until you oldest is out of the picture.

It sounds like whatever you're doing right now isn't working. It may have worked before, and it may work for others, but right now it's not working for your family. I don't know the specifics of your life but I would guess you need to find ways to a) guard your energy and peace and b) find a way for your younger child to have some space. I seriously cannot recommend therapy enough. I think a good therapist focused on skills like setting boundaries (rather than a therapist who focuses on emotion processing or anxiety management or something) would do wonders for you and your family and you'd see positive changes in a matter of months.

This is excellent advice, OP. I hope you read it and take it. If you need help finding the right therapist, your child's pediatrician or your internist can help you with referrals. You could also talk to your child's guidance counselor or one of the principals at school. They frequently guide parents to resources such as therapists.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The talk has always been that they'll go to college. Now if that happened to be a local college within commuting distance then sure, they could of course continue living here. But I've raised and disciplined my kids to be kind and courteous people who are pleasant to be around.

The subtext of this response is simply "I am a successful parent and you are a failure"

what a total ass

+1 Just wait.

a true successful parent would not have this issue.

Be careful what you wish for. After I moved out, and I was the one who cooked, cleaned and more, my mom said I’d fail but could not come back. I have not set foot in her house again. Never looked back. She asks for a relationship and I keep it distant and formal. Rarely see her despite living close. Think wisely. I was a really good kid…she was the problem.

Anonymous wrote:Do yours assume they can? Do you talk about it all through high school or after?

One of my teens is a very difficult person to parent and often a difficult person to be around. The other younger teen is easy going, level and pleasant. These have been their temperaments since birth.

The thing is, I don't want to allow older teen to continue living here. They are a high source of stress and household tension. I want younger teen to have some space. Try as I may to properly parent, bring in resources, give whatever I can, they are set on their chosen path. I can't expend myself to them indefinitely, it's difficult and depressing. I feel it's my responsibility to try at least until they're 18.

At one point I did imagine both kids would live at home during post secondary. Now I know that likely is not viable. At what point do you leave it up to them to figure out their own life/job/options? Do you have conversations starting in gr.11? gr.12?

Anyone else feel flat out no to the thought of their teens continuing to live at home? Some people have their adult 22-25 year olds still at home and it seems to work well and everyone seems happy.

Can I give you some advice, OP? Try to stop thinking about when your older kid will leave the house and address these issues now.

I'm sure you are a very good parent. Parenting is typically very difficult and the teenage years are typically the hardest. But you can make some changes to address this situation and make your life better now, rather than just white-knuckling it until you oldest is out of the picture.

It sounds like whatever you're doing right now isn't working. It may have worked before, and it may work for others, but right now it's not working for your family. I don't know the specifics of your life but I would guess you need to find ways to a) guard your energy and peace and b) find a way for your younger child to have some space. I seriously cannot recommend therapy enough. I think a good therapist focused on skills like setting boundaries (rather than a therapist who focuses on emotion processing or anxiety management or something) would do wonders for you and your family and you'd see positive changes in a matter of months.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The talk has always been that they'll go to college. Now if that happened to be a local college within commuting distance then sure, they could of course continue living here. But I've raised and disciplined my kids to be kind and courteous people who are pleasant to be around.

The subtext of this response is simply "I am a successful parent and you are a failure"

what a total ass

+1 Just wait.

Anonymous wrote:Do yours assume they can? Do you talk about it all through high school or after?

One of my teens is a very difficult person to parent and often a difficult person to be around. The other younger teen is easy going, level and pleasant. These have been their temperaments since birth.

The thing is, I don't want to allow older teen to continue living here. They are a high source of stress and household tension. I want younger teen to have some space. Try as I may to properly parent, bring in resources, give whatever I can, they are set on their chosen path. I can't expend myself to them indefinitely, it's difficult and depressing. I feel it's my responsibility to try at least until they're 18.

At one point I did imagine both kids would live at home during post secondary. Now I know that likely is not viable. At what point do you leave it up to them to figure out their own life/job/options? Do you have conversations starting in gr.11? gr.12?

Anyone else feel flat out no to the thought of their teens continuing to live at home? Some people have their adult 22-25 year olds still at home and it seems to work well and everyone seems happy.

I really think this is dependent on your child's situation. My older teen sounds like your older teen. They have ADHD and anxiety, and although I love them very much, it makes for a lot of tension in the house. My younger child also sounds like your younger child, very easy, mature and well adjusted. My older child will be a senior next year, and we are looking at small supportive colleges and/or discussing gap years. Not a gap year where they stay at home, but in a program where they can develop more independent living skills and social skills in a supportive environment without the stress of academics. We feel that staying at home and going to CC is also not a good choice for older child because it would just be a continuation of what is happening in home (me - the mother basically on their case about completing assignments, cleaning up after themselves, what feels like constant nagging and strains our relationship). We have worked hard to set up strong supports for them, including weekly therapy and medication, but things are still difficult. I don't feel like I can let them just go at 18, they will continue to need support and guidance, but I don't think that means keeping them at home if we have the resources to find a program that will support their transition into adulthood (which could be the right college or alternate program).

For my younger, I could see them living at home if they needed to after high school. They are already independent, mature and I am not worried that staying at home would affect their development. However, they will most likely want to go away to college as they are already talking about it as an upcoming sophomore. In fact, on the college visits we are doing for older sibling, my younger is showing more interest and learning about the schools before we visit.

on the Money Forum there are 30 something still living at home....

Anonymous wrote:The talk has always been that they'll go to college. Now if that happened to be a local college within commuting distance then sure, they could of course continue living here. But I've raised and disciplined my kids to be kind and courteous people who are pleasant to be around.

The subtext of this response is simply "I am a successful parent and you are a failure"

what a total ass

I want my kids to have the experience of being independent because it was so great for me and I think will be good for them, but they are welcome to stay. If I felt like they were sucking too much of my energy, I would focus on self care and boundaries before asking them to leave.

Both my kids spent significant time at home during college. College is only about 8 months of the year. One DC lived at home for 3 years after grad school. It wasn’t meant to be 3 years, just kind of kept going. It was an adjustment since we’d been empty nesters for a few years by that time, but it worked out just fine. DC wasn’t the easiest teen, but maturity made a difference, and it was helpful for family relationships in the long run.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The talk has always been that they'll go to college. Now if that happened to be a local college within commuting distance then sure, they could of course continue living here. But I've raised and disciplined my kids to be kind and courteous people who are pleasant to be around.

OMG, unreal. How old are your tweens, if i don't mind asking?

13, 15, 15 and almost 18.

Anonymous wrote:The talk has always been that they'll go to college. Now if that happened to be a local college within commuting distance then sure, they could of course continue living here. But I've raised and disciplined my kids to be kind and courteous people who are pleasant to be around.

OMG, unreal. How old are your tweens, if i don't mind asking?

The talk has always been that they'll go to college. Now if that happened to be a local college within commuting distance then sure, they could of course continue living here. But I've raised and disciplined my kids to be kind and courteous people who are pleasant to be around.

Do yours assume they can? Do you talk about it all through high school or after?

One of my teens is a very difficult person to parent and often a difficult person to be around. The other younger teen is easy going, level and pleasant. These have been their temperaments since birth.

The thing is, I don't want to allow older teen to continue living here. They are a high source of stress and household tension. I want younger teen to have some space. Try as I may to properly parent, bring in resources, give whatever I can, they are set on their chosen path. I can't expend myself to them indefinitely, it's difficult and depressing. I feel it's my responsibility to try at least until they're 18.

At one point I did imagine both kids would live at home during post secondary. Now I know that likely is not viable. At what point do you leave it up to them to figure out their own life/job/options? Do you have conversations starting in gr.11? gr.12?

Anyone else feel flat out no to the thought of their teens continuing to live at home? Some people have their adult 22-25 year olds still at home and it seems to work well and everyone seems happy.