An adult who yells at anyone is unacceptable. Yes, we all makes mistakes, so maybe it happens once a decade. But, an adult who yells daily has a serious problem. Draw a boundary. Learn to say, “I understand you’re upset, but it’s unacceptable to yell at me. I am going to walk away and do something else. We can discuss this later when you’re able to do so calmly.”

I was raised in a horribly dysfunctional way and suffered terrible abuse. Am I sometimes maladaptive? Reactive? Triggered? Yes. But I take full responsibility for myself and my behavior because I’m an adult. No one asks to have these kinds of experiences, but at a certain point in life you have to make the decision to relearn behaviors so as not to repeat the toxic cycle: being a survivor of abuse is not carte blanche to treat anyone else poorly.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses. I see what everyone is saying but like, I am not in a position to leave the marriage right now. I have one older kid and a nursing baby and between working full time and breastfeeding and having shared finances and doing WFH with my husband I have no time for anything. I was just diagnosed with high cholesterol and prediabetes and cannot even find 20 minutes each day to work out. What is the point of documenting things? Why is no one suggesting pursuing marriage counseling, even if just for myself? We share one vehicle and I have very little privacy from him.

Because he sounds abusive and unlikely to change. And so no one wants you to be counselled into figuring out how to endure him, when you should be putting all your resources into figuring out how to escape him.

Men like this frequently DO escalate to physical abuse, especially when you try to leave. If your post wasn't reeking of vibes that this guy could become dangerous, maybe you'd be getting those suggestions.

Go to individual therapy to figure out how to leave him, not how to stay with him.

I grew up as the child in a house like this. We lived in the “best” neighborhood in our area and I went to the “best” schools. My mom couldn’t afford those things on her own, so she didn’t leave my dad.

I really wish she had.

I know I’m just an anonymous person on a message board, but since you took the time to write this it’s clearly on your mind. Please reconsider whether you need to stay married.

Anonymous wrote:You cannot afford not to divorce him.

+1 Between being raised in a more expensive neighborhood and yelled at every day of their life (and witnessing one parent lash out at the other every day), or living in a less expensive neighborhood with some peace in their home, I can tell you what decision your kids will wish you had made when they're adults. If he won't even admit this is a problem there's nothing you can do but leave.

Thank you for the responses. I see what everyone is saying but like, I am not in a position to leave the marriage right now. I have one older kid and a nursing baby and between working full time and breastfeeding and having shared finances and doing WFH with my husband I have no time for anything. I was just diagnosed with high cholesterol and prediabetes and cannot even find 20 minutes each day to work out. What is the point of documenting things? Why is no one suggesting pursuing marriage counseling, even if just for myself? We share one vehicle and I have very little privacy from him.

Living in a tiny apartment in a worse neighborhood without him sounds a lot better than living in a house with him!

Do NOT have more kids with him. Do go see a divorce lawyer and figure out your options. And if he won't go to therapy, go yourself. And see if you can find a child therapist for your kids. It will help them cope with living with an abusive parent and it could also provide useful documentation for custody negotiations.

Hugs, OP. You are in an abusive situation, and it won't automagically get better. Document everything (date, time, what happened). Record if possible. Talk to someone at a domestic violence hotline. They will be able to help you formulate a plan to get out. This is no way to live.

This sounds like a royal mess. Get strong and get out. Don’t even worry about talking about what’s not working or who’s at fault for what. It’s just it going to work and it’s over.

I can’t believe you still have sex with him. Here’s the thing OP - he’s not going to change. If anything he’ll get worse. Even if he was willing to do therapy he might not change. He is emotionally and verbally abusive to you and your children. You should meet with an attorney and see what your options are. Yes it would suck for the kids, but what you’re describing sounds so much worse.

This is abuse. Talk to the abuse hotline, talk to a lawyer. Good luck.

Please call your local domestic violence center to discuss resources. You cannot afford not to divorce this guy. Your child doesn’t need a school rated an 8 on great schools. They need at least 50% of their time in a home that isn’t a minefield.

This is absolutely an abusive situation.

And listen, I’m the wife of a man with ADHD. Yes, I sometimes get annoyed that he has to run everything by me (which isn’t actually true, it just feels like it sometimes). My annoyance might be a sigh or eye rolling — not my finest moment, but NOTHING like what you are dealing with. You 100% don’t deserve this.

Sounds like an abusive situation.

- a man

You cannot afford not to divorce him.

I feel like I know the answer to this, but am putting it out there anyway. My husband loses it on me or our daughter at least once a day. By that I mean he yells, loses his cool, and blames me/her for losing it. She and I are both ADHD and he gets really triggered if we don’t hear him, or we miss something he said, or we are distracted, or any number of reasons. I admittedly have anxiety, a history of depression/PTSD, etc and often being concerns/worries to him. This annoys him because he says I am just venting or being negative or asking him to solve my problems. He is also a perfectionist so he constantly criticizes me for not making independent decisions and running things by him, but then if I do things on my own (even if it’s just cooking dinner) he will find something wrong with what I do. If I go to the store, he gets angry if I forget a staple or items we needed, or I can’t get back in one hour because it only takes him an hour to shop. If I cook dinner, he gets mad that I used too many dishes in cooking and made a big mess, or the meal was not served on time. If I pack the diaper back and try to run through all the items we need before we leave, he will get mad and tell me to just figure it out and then stop running things by him. But if we get to where we are going and I forgot anything (like maybe I brought a snack but it was only crackers and not a cheese stick for our older kid, or I forgot to pack bug spray or apply it to the kids) he will criticize me for that. If I ask him to stop yelling at the 5 year old when she eats slowly in the morning or when she won’t get dressed or brush teeth and I decide to intervene, he will scream at me that I can take her to school because he has always had the responsibility for it and we lose track of time (which is right, time management is hard for us).

Today on the car ride home from our pediatrician he lost it on me because I was trying to go over the guest list for our older kid’s birthday party and figure out a few extra kids to invite because we have space (at a play place with a set limit of guests). When my mother in law was here last weekend he lost it on me because he made us a nice dinner, barely sat down because he was cooking and then went to change a diaper, and I threw away the food on his plate (1 piece of broccoli) because he said he had told us we was not done eating and that I have no consideration for him (despite me offering to change the diaper and thanking him for cooking our meal). He yelled at me in front of my mother in law (he yells at her and they argue with regularity) and then the next day when we were out walking as a family he stormed away from me when he got mad after I tried to bring it up to him, and refused to speak or respond to me in front of our daughter and my MIL. I confided in my MIL how embarrassed I was with his behavior and how he loses it regularly on me and the kids and she agreed with me that it was not ok and said he is still not over a lot of his childhood issues (addictions, multiple divorces, verbal/physical abuse). My FIL who is divorced from her has visited us and seen some of his angry outbursts and even reached out to my MIL about how he needs to calm down.

I feel like I have the support of both sides of our families when it comes to his behavior, at least in the sense that he’s being inappropriate, but I don’t know what to do. I told my MIL I have begged him to go to couples counseling and he has adamantly refused and says the issues are all mine. He says he has no interest in relitigating childhood and psychoanalyzing it. I feel so beaten down and verbally abused and controlled by him that I find sex a chore and it difficult to enjoy intimacy - I feel like he’s just invading me and it’s not arousing at all to kiss him, I just want to get away but I give him pity sex every week or two and somehow I think he thinks that and apologizing can fix this marriage, which feels rotten at the core to me.

I cannot afford to divorce him and maintain my own household in our neighborhood, and we recently bought a home and the kids are finally settled. I guess my question is, is this emotional abuse? And if so, what can I do about it? I know I cannot change him, only myself. How can I protect my kids? I don’t want to get divorced, but the idea of him yelling at me and the kids the rest of my life feels unsustainable and toxic. He won’t admit to an anger problem, and instead always says we make him yell because we don’t listen to him any other way. I am now so accustomed to it I feel I have lost perspective on everything and don’t know what to do…