Welcome to my mother's house, she is this person. She moved in with me during 2020 to help with her grandchild and my dad figured out how much she did around the house while she was gone -- it was actually good for their marriage. But she put herself in that situation by being a total martyr who didn't speak up for 20-30 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Classic DCUM:

"My DH used to do things but I nagged, complained, and criticized everything he did. Eventually he gave up and stopped doing anything, and now I'm mad about that, but I refuse to acknowledge that my behavior had anything to do with it."

Learned helplessness, what is it?

Here’s an example: my husband “helps out” by loading the dishwasher sometimes. But what he does is load super inefficiently, putting about half the dishes in, declares it full and starts it, leaving half the dirty dishes in the sink. He will often put one large pot or container in in lieu of 20 smaller items. I complained because this is stupid— clearly you should hand wash the large pot and not leave the sink full of small dishes. So he stopped helping with dishes and then says that I was too particular about it. Sorry if I think doing the dishes means ALL the dishes. In general, he will start a job and just do half of it to say he did something.

Ugh, mine will "clean" the kitchen after dinner, but leave counters unwiped, food stuck on the stove and the trash overflowing. When i go behind him to do those things, he gets huffy and says I'm a control freak that has to have everything done my way.

This is mine also. Idiot.

I’m a SAHM mom and this is mine too. It took a while but I have gotten out of the nag dynamic. You have to learn to see the dishes as percentage complete vs binary done or not done. I know he’ll never do all the dishes. He will do between 70-90%. So, I taught him what dishes to prioritize. I often run the dishwasher and extra time during the day even if it’s not full to make sure there will be more “room” when it’s his turn even though a competent person would fit more/hand wash the leftovers. If there’s a complicated pan I just do it myself. If I need the kitchen to be actually clean early in the morning, like if we’re leaving on a trip, I just do it myself. This means I do roughly 75% less of the dishes that are “his turn” than if I did it myself, which is pretty good!

No, I don’t really want to have sex with him any more. When we do have sex, I honest to god think about how he literally never cleans the counters sometimes. But I don’t nag him about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Classic DCUM:

"My DH used to do things but I nagged, complained, and criticized everything he did. Eventually he gave up and stopped doing anything, and now I'm mad about that, but I refuse to acknowledge that my behavior had anything to do with it."

Learned helplessness, what is it?

Here’s an example: my husband “helps out” by loading the dishwasher sometimes. But what he does is load super inefficiently, putting about half the dishes in, declares it full and starts it, leaving half the dirty dishes in the sink. He will often put one large pot or container in in lieu of 20 smaller items. I complained because this is stupid— clearly you should hand wash the large pot and not leave the sink full of small dishes. So he stopped helping with dishes and then says that I was too particular about it. Sorry if I think doing the dishes means ALL the dishes. In general, he will start a job and just do half of it to say he did something.

Ugh, mine will "clean" the kitchen after dinner, but leave counters unwiped, food stuck on the stove and the trash overflowing. When i go behind him to do those things, he gets huffy and says I'm a control freak that has to have everything done my way.

This is mine also. Idiot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Classic DCUM:

"My DH used to do things but I nagged, complained, and criticized everything he did. Eventually he gave up and stopped doing anything, and now I'm mad about that, but I refuse to acknowledge that my behavior had anything to do with it."

Learned helplessness, what is it?

Here’s an example: my husband “helps out” by loading the dishwasher sometimes. But what he does is load super inefficiently, putting about half the dishes in, declares it full and starts it, leaving half the dirty dishes in the sink. He will often put one large pot or container in in lieu of 20 smaller items. I complained because this is stupid— clearly you should hand wash the large pot and not leave the sink full of small dishes. So he stopped helping with dishes and then says that I was too particular about it. Sorry if I think doing the dishes means ALL the dishes. In general, he will start a job and just do half of it to say he did something.

Ugh, mine will "clean" the kitchen after dinner, but leave counters unwiped, food stuck on the stove and the trash overflowing. When i go behind him to do those things, he gets huffy and says I'm a control freak that has to have everything done my way.

Why don't you or DH take turns with MIL alternating cooking days, or alternating with take out, so that she won't complain so much?
Or is the issue that she won't eat anything cooked by anyone else but herself?

Anonymous wrote:Classic DCUM:

"My DH used to do things but I nagged, complained, and criticized everything he did. Eventually he gave up and stopped doing anything, and now I'm mad about that, but I refuse to acknowledge that my behavior had anything to do with it."

Learned helplessness, what is it?

Here’s an example: my husband “helps out” by loading the dishwasher sometimes. But what he does is load super inefficiently, putting about half the dishes in, declares it full and starts it, leaving half the dirty dishes in the sink. He will often put one large pot or container in in lieu of 20 smaller items. I complained because this is stupid— clearly you should hand wash the large pot and not leave the sink full of small dishes. So he stopped helping with dishes and then says that I was too particular about it. Sorry if I think doing the dishes means ALL the dishes. In general, he will start a job and just do half of it to say he did something.

I think your MIL has a martyr complex.

If FIL did things for himself she would just find other ways to complain about how she's so put upon. It's her default setting.

Classic DCUM:

"My DH used to do things but I nagged, complained, and criticized everything he did. Eventually he gave up and stopped doing anything, and now I'm mad about that, but I refuse to acknowledge that my behavior had anything to do with it."

Learned helplessness, what is it?

Anonymous wrote:This is common amongst couples of a certain age. Once DH hasn’t made a sandwich or toast for 40 yrs he isn’t going to and he doesn’t particularly respond to his wife’s complaining bc it hasn’t even occurred to him that she’s old and tired too and doesn’t have the same energy to wait on him as she did 20 yrs ago.

This isn't what op is talking about though...

Anonymous wrote:This is common amongst couples of a certain age. Once DH hasn’t made a sandwich or toast for 40 yrs he isn’t going to and he doesn’t particularly respond to his wife’s complaining bc it hasn’t even occurred to him that she’s old and tired too and doesn’t have the same energy to wait on him as she did 20 yrs ago.

+1

This is common amongst couples of a certain age. Once DH hasn’t made a sandwich or toast for 40 yrs he isn’t going to and he doesn’t particularly respond to his wife’s complaining bc it hasn’t even occurred to him that she’s old and tired too and doesn’t have the same energy to wait on him as she did 20 yrs ago.

MIL/FIL actually were arranged. DH and I met in college and dated/married the usual way.

Anonymous wrote:Is anyone in a marriage or do you belong to a family or
make his own sandwich “the wrong way.” Nothing that we can do here, right?

And looking a few decades down the road with a DH whose seen dad be like this – I should just step back and let him unload the dishwasher, make sandwiches, do laundry etc. right because I have no interest in being his housekeeper?

Ye, they are unhappy or divorced. I have no patience in listening to those married that complain, I change subject.

Of course you shouldn't be acting the same way. Guess it is good you developed self awareness.

Are you women in arranged marriages ? I swear you pick the wrong spouse then have the nerve to blame it on his mother.

Is anyone in a marriage or do you belong to a family or culture, where it happens that the wife does so much for the husband and is so opiniated about how things should be done, that the husband just can’t (or won’t) do simple things anymore? And then the cycle perpetuates because the wife is like OMG it’s just faster for me to make this grilled cheese and set the table, get out of the way; but then the wife ends up huffy along the lines of OMG I’m constantly doing something, once he parks himself at the dinner table, he’s not even going to get up to get a fork. Admittedly the husband IS super inefficient at doing things, but I think that’s in no small part because he’s had a wife mothering him for years and years, so he’s never had to be efficiently doing things.

This is DH’s family and I’m losing my mind in our few days of visiting bc of MIL’s constant complaining and their constant bickering about how FIL does nothing but then MIL also won’t step back because heaven forbid he make his own sandwich “the wrong way.” Nothing that we can do here, right?

And looking a few decades down the road with a DH whose seen dad be like this – I should just step back and let him unload the dishwasher, make sandwiches, do laundry etc. right because I have no interest in being his housekeeper?