Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Cultural conditioning is very strong and clear on this. You know why she did it.

I did the same thing. I only made it about a year or so into our marriage before I realized that anytime I thought I was being thoughtful, his mother accused me of some sort of emotional war-fare and my feelings would be hurt. Finally I realized I couldn't change her, I had to change ME. So I also dropped the rope. But I know many many women who still manage the in-laws, for a number of reasons. For some it works out. It did not for us.

I have realized that if you go looking for slights, you will find them. Every time. I hope I can be more gracious if I am ever a MIL one day.

I am one of those people who never “picked up the rope” but I don’t think you ever did anything incorrect to begin with.

It is never wrong to be gracious and kind, but you should only be that way because you want to, not because you feel obligated. Your MIL was way out of line and she is the one who was wrong. I hope if I have a thoughtful DIL one day that it shows that I appreciate her and want to have a nice relationship with her, unlike the nightmares we hear so much about on this board. Our families are not big on presents for adults but I loved my MIL very dearly and once in awhile I would get her a small gift and she would be nothing but delighted.

Anonymous wrote:Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Cultural conditioning is very strong and clear on this. You know why she did it.

I did the same thing. I only made it about a year or so into our marriage before I realized that anytime I thought I was being thoughtful, his mother accused me of some sort of emotional war-fare and my feelings would be hurt. Finally I realized I couldn't change her, I had to change ME. So I also dropped the rope. But I know many many women who still manage the in-laws, for a number of reasons. For some it works out. It did not for us.

I have realized that if you go looking for slights, you will find them. Every time. I hope I can be more gracious if I am ever a MIL one day.

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

+1

We’ve always managed our own families.

Same, OP!

Yup, never picked it up. Sometimes I feel this guilt that I know comes from my own mom, like some disgusting inheritance passed down through the generations. But I shake it off. I refuse to accept the idea that it is my job to manage everyone else's relationships with each other.

Well done OP. That's all I have to say.

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

+1. If I happen to remember his mom's bday is coming up I'll remind him, but I don't do anything else. His family is his responsibility.

That dynamic you describe wouldn’t work for our family, but I understand why in some cases this needs to happen.

Anonymous wrote:Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Young and naive, I suppose. Wanted to be accommodating and nice. Not sure why. But I know I’m not the only one!

There is no rope.

Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

Same here.

I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I did this 2 years ago with my BIL and SIL. No more Bday cards for all their (10) kids. I do not plan one thing for MIL mother's day or bday. It's soooo refreshing.

In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.