First, I’m sorry this happened to you OP. Secondly, get yourself into therapy as the first several months are going to be why? What? Where?.. guilt, anger, and self destruction. Emotions will be running high and all over the place. Is your dh remorseful? Was it a long term AP or one time thing? Makes a huge difference in my opinion. Ultimately, my dh cheated with a coworker until I discovered it about 3 months in. He graveled and begged for forgiveness yada yada, but now that I’m on the other side I think he was just upset he got caught in the moment. We did therapy and after a year I decided I was done. I forgave but I will never forget and I deserved better which I got. You have to decide for yourself if you can move past it but it will be a long time.

I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

We are closing in on three years post discovery only. I dont think I will ever forgove and I dont think he will forgove himself. But we do both understand a lot more where the decision came from and so much about his family and past trauma that led to it. It is working through it almost daily though and with excellent therapy. Not for the faint of heat but dh was determined to try to keep me/ us. I initially agreed to let him stay for 3 months and just kept extending it as he worked and worked and changed. He is a much better man now in so many ways. I think if I did not understand where the issues came from I could not let him stay and he is totally transparent also. But the mental movies are so awful and it brought up all kinds of trauma for me as well. I am working on studying self compassion now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately your mind will never forget.

+1. It’s been almost three years since my husband cheated. I think about it every day. He’s done everything right in recovery. It just takes a long time to move past it. I think it’s harder to heal if you stay together. The reminder is in your face every day. It’s really hard to turn off the mental movies.

+100

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately your mind will never forget.

+1. It’s been almost three years since my husband cheated. I think about it every day. He’s done everything right in recovery. It just takes a long time to move past it. I think it’s harder to heal if you stay together. The reminder is in your face every day. It’s really hard to turn off the mental movies.

Unfortunately your mind will never forget.

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness happens after you heal and decide what you want. First move through the anger and grief fully. Then, when you’re calm and have processed all of that, decide what YOU want for your life. The terms of forgiveness could look like accepting his decision and where he was but deciding to make a life without him. Or it could look like deciding to start a new marriage, understanding his flaws and mistakes and basing your commitment on a realistic idea of what this person can provide moving forward. There’s no one right path.

You’re assuming OP is a Woman

I will never forgive the actions. I don’t think you need to forgive to move on.

My spouse did a ton of work (unsolicited) and changed so much. He really worked overtime in lasting ways that the marriage took a much better course of direction. There was a ton of remorse, guilt and rebuilding. It took awhile for me to decide whether to reconcile because cheating/dishonesty was always a dealbreaker for me (lying/dishonesty was in friendships as well).

Time and the cheaters work and understanding of “why”. We had a great deal of love and a passionate start and are very compatible (humor, intelligence, sexually, etc) if there wasn’t the possibility of a great marriage going forward or we never should have married, it would be different and I would have cut my losses. It also wasn’t a “way of life”, it was a midlife personal thing.

The best advice: you don’t need to decide anything right away or next month or next year and you can always change your mind. You are in control now of what you want.

You have to work on forgiving (individual therapy) and your partner has to work on rebuilding trust and earning forgiveness (their own therapy and focusing on your needs - partner should read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from An Affair" by MacDonald.

I got a front room seat ot parents going through this when I was a child. My mom told me everything and it messed my sister and I up pretty well. If you don't plan on forgiving and forgetting please leave. Also don't drag the kids into it at all possible. My husband's parents had a clean break post infidelity and my husband and his sisters fared much better.

I have (and to be fair, have also been on the forgiven end) and we are still married. It's been years and not perfect, we still struggle with some of the issues that led up to the infidelity in the first place. But I genuinely don't feel the wrath and jealousy I initially felt. I agree with the 2nd poster. It takes A LOT of time; not surprisingly I'd recommend working with a relationship therapist; you are likely experiencing a volatile tumult of emotions that they can help you sort through. It's a common problem that couples face, therapists should be familiar with how to guide you and your partner. That said, every couple is different; maybe some transgressions are just unforgivable but if you're asking this question I'm sure there are things to salvage from your relationship. Take it one day at a time, remember to take care of yourself and make time to do those things that help you feel good about yourself.

I didn’t forgive it. Not in my wheelhouse. I learned to live with it and focus on the work he did to repair himself. And our deep friendship.

^^The important part is that forgiveness is for you, it’s so you can move on in a way that’s more whole and true to where you are. If you’re still feeling angry and betrayed and hurt then you need to allow yourself to feel that. Because right now that’s the whole truth of where you are. Being true to that will eventually lead you to a new perspective on the path.

Forgiveness happens after you heal and decide what you want. First move through the anger and grief fully. Then, when you’re calm and have processed all of that, decide what YOU want for your life. The terms of forgiveness could look like accepting his decision and where he was but deciding to make a life without him. Or it could look like deciding to start a new marriage, understanding his flaws and mistakes and basing your commitment on a realistic idea of what this person can provide moving forward. There’s no one right path.

I don't even know where to start. Thank you.