Anonymous
05/18/2022 10:39
Subject: Re:Donor Egg question
We talk freely with our kids about the fact that they are donor egg conceived. Our donors were anonymous but I realize that in the age of genetic testing that is only until they choose to look for them. I have no problem with the kids seeking out the donor or any siblings. I have asked them to wait until they are 18 to try to find the donor, but that is only because I know the donor expected anonymity and it is not my place to break that agreement. I personally wish we could contact them sooner because I would love for them to see how great the kids turned out and what a wonderful childhood they are having.
Anonymous
05/18/2022 10:35
Subject: Re:Donor Egg question
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, you can't control what your child will decide to do. They'll be their own person, with the same rights to self-determination you have, not your possession. If you go the donor egg route, you really do need to pragmatically and fully accept that you can't control this aspect, especially in these days of widely available DNA testing and matching. I get that it's hard. We're in the same situation right now you are, with one child that's from our own egg/sperm and looking at a potential second that would come to us via donor egg. But you owe it to your future child to work through your own issues about the manner of their conception. It's not something to hide; that approach is going to make your innocent child feel their birth is somehow shameful and secret, which should be the last thing any of us want for our beloved children however they come to us. Any reputable fertility clinic can connect you with a good therapist to help you sort through these complicated emotions; please, for your own sake as well as that of any future child you may have, please talk to a professional about your concerns and fears.
I thought it was required
I'm the PP and you're right that it is, but (at least in my experience) the requirement can be met by a brief 30-minute Zoom call with a licensed psychologist/therapist. It'd be very easy to just keep quiet about the kinds of concerns and thought-patterns OP is having, if you wanted to because you feared you'd be prevented from moving forward in the process. OP, I really think you'd be best served by a series of deep and honest conversations/sessions with a specialist in this field about your feelings and anxieties, not a rote checkbox session. Or at the very, very least look into fertility boards like those at Inspire or Reddit where you can hear from more intended parents who have been wrestling with these kinds of questions.
It is not required. We have three donor egg kids and did not need to meet with a therapist or psychologist with any of them. We used a well known clinic in NYC.
Anonymous
05/18/2022 10:06
Subject: Donor Egg question
Good Lord— people are nasty. The nasty comments are likely from people who haven’t had to go down this road.
Having a DE child comes with complicated issues. No one in our family knows. Unfortunately we can’t control when/if our child will try to find her donor. It’s an issue that will never go away, but we’ll support her no matter what. Doesn’t mean I won’t cry or be scared behind closed doors. I think it’s something you’ll have to accept if you go down this road. Take care. xxx
Having a DE child comes with complicated issues. No one in our family knows. Unfortunately we can’t control when/if our child will try to find her donor. It’s an issue that will never go away, but we’ll support her no matter what. Doesn’t mean I won’t cry or be scared behind closed doors. I think it’s something you’ll have to accept if you go down this road. Take care. xxx
Anonymous
05/18/2022 09:21
Subject: Re:Donor Egg question
In order to proceed with DE you will have to do psychological counseling. This is something you can explore there. I have one OE and one DE and when he's big I don't care what he does. It's no different than an adopted child looking for a bio family. It's more people to love them and for them to love.
Anonymous
05/18/2022 09:11
Subject: Donor Egg question
OP, I'm sorry that some people are being very harsh on you here. However given the complexity of this topic, this kind of attitude is something you can expect if you go forward with donor eggs.
We conceived our DC using donor eggs, and baby #2 is on the way. I spent a couple of years coming to terms with having donor conceived children before we proceeded. I don't think this is a topic that can be taken lightly. There are lots of resources out there for recipient parents. IG has a huge community of recipient parents and donor conceived adults, and there are a lot of discussions taking place regarding anonymity, half siblings, etc. You need to educate yourself thoroughly.
Being completely anonymous in this day and age is not possible, and I hope your donor and you are both aware of that. Also, anonymity is not good for children, who may have curiosity or even the need to know their genetic roots for emotional or health reasons. Some donor conceived people want to know their half siblings, others don't, but you can't know what your child's preference will be (and it may change over time, too). If you're already a parent, then you know that we can't control who our children are and what they want. They have a mind of their own, as they should. So, you need to let go of what you want your kid to do or feel about their conception and genetic roots/relatives.
I recommend 1) doing more research, 2) speaking with a counselor who is an expert in this field, 3) coming to terms with everything that comes with having a donor conceived child and putting their best interests first, and if you decide to move forward 4) choosing a donor who is at the very least open ID (so open to contact when child is 18).
Good luck.
We conceived our DC using donor eggs, and baby #2 is on the way. I spent a couple of years coming to terms with having donor conceived children before we proceeded. I don't think this is a topic that can be taken lightly. There are lots of resources out there for recipient parents. IG has a huge community of recipient parents and donor conceived adults, and there are a lot of discussions taking place regarding anonymity, half siblings, etc. You need to educate yourself thoroughly.
Being completely anonymous in this day and age is not possible, and I hope your donor and you are both aware of that. Also, anonymity is not good for children, who may have curiosity or even the need to know their genetic roots for emotional or health reasons. Some donor conceived people want to know their half siblings, others don't, but you can't know what your child's preference will be (and it may change over time, too). If you're already a parent, then you know that we can't control who our children are and what they want. They have a mind of their own, as they should. So, you need to let go of what you want your kid to do or feel about their conception and genetic roots/relatives.
I recommend 1) doing more research, 2) speaking with a counselor who is an expert in this field, 3) coming to terms with everything that comes with having a donor conceived child and putting their best interests first, and if you decide to move forward 4) choosing a donor who is at the very least open ID (so open to contact when child is 18).
Good luck.
Anonymous
05/18/2022 08:10
Subject: Donor Egg question
Anonymous wrote:We selected a donor egg, but she wants to be anonymous. Will our future child be able to lookup his or her siblings? We already have one of our own children and conceiving a second one has been very difficult. We will tell our children and immediate family but wouldn't want our future child to try make contact with other unknown half siblings. Any input we are in such a dilemma.
They will be able to connect with siblings- please dont lie to your child about their biological history. Most of the donor conceived groups where people are so angry is because of this. Talk to a mental health professional before choosing this path.
Anonymous
05/17/2022 23:25
Subject: Donor Egg question
No. You cannot restrict your adult child’s access to his/her genetic family. Accept that or pursue a 2nd child another way.
Anonymous
05/17/2022 11:27
Subject: Re:Donor Egg question
with 23 and Me and other DNA tests, there's no way to keep birth parents and their relatives anonymous anymore.
Anonymous
05/17/2022 11:24
Subject: Re:Donor Egg question
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, you can't control what your child will decide to do. They'll be their own person, with the same rights to self-determination you have, not your possession. If you go the donor egg route, you really do need to pragmatically and fully accept that you can't control this aspect, especially in these days of widely available DNA testing and matching. I get that it's hard. We're in the same situation right now you are, with one child that's from our own egg/sperm and looking at a potential second that would come to us via donor egg. But you owe it to your future child to work through your own issues about the manner of their conception. It's not something to hide; that approach is going to make your innocent child feel their birth is somehow shameful and secret, which should be the last thing any of us want for our beloved children however they come to us. Any reputable fertility clinic can connect you with a good therapist to help you sort through these complicated emotions; please, for your own sake as well as that of any future child you may have, please talk to a professional about your concerns and fears.
I thought it was required
I'm the PP and you're right that it is, but (at least in my experience) the requirement can be met by a brief 30-minute Zoom call with a licensed psychologist/therapist. It'd be very easy to just keep quiet about the kinds of concerns and thought-patterns OP is having, if you wanted to because you feared you'd be prevented from moving forward in the process. OP, I really think you'd be best served by a series of deep and honest conversations/sessions with a specialist in this field about your feelings and anxieties, not a rote checkbox session. Or at the very, very least look into fertility boards like those at Inspire or Reddit where you can hear from more intended parents who have been wrestling with these kinds of questions.[/quote
I’m confident that if she let this concern be known, she wouldn’t be permitted to move forward with receiving a donor egg. She’s not being upfront.
Anonymous
05/17/2022 11:21
Subject: Re:Donor Egg question
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, you can't control what your child will decide to do. They'll be their own person, with the same rights to self-determination you have, not your possession. If you go the donor egg route, you really do need to pragmatically and fully accept that you can't control this aspect, especially in these days of widely available DNA testing and matching. I get that it's hard. We're in the same situation right now you are, with one child that's from our own egg/sperm and looking at a potential second that would come to us via donor egg. But you owe it to your future child to work through your own issues about the manner of their conception. It's not something to hide; that approach is going to make your innocent child feel their birth is somehow shameful and secret, which should be the last thing any of us want for our beloved children however they come to us. Any reputable fertility clinic can connect you with a good therapist to help you sort through these complicated emotions; please, for your own sake as well as that of any future child you may have, please talk to a professional about your concerns and fears.
I thought it was required
I'm the PP and you're right that it is, but (at least in my experience) the requirement can be met by a brief 30-minute Zoom call with a licensed psychologist/therapist. It'd be very easy to just keep quiet about the kinds of concerns and thought-patterns OP is having, if you wanted to because you feared you'd be prevented from moving forward in the process. OP, I really think you'd be best served by a series of deep and honest conversations/sessions with a specialist in this field about your feelings and anxieties, not a rote checkbox session. Or at the very, very least look into fertility boards like those at Inspire or Reddit where you can hear from more intended parents who have been wrestling with these kinds of questions.
Anonymous
05/17/2022 10:58
Subject: Re:Donor Egg question
Anonymous wrote:OP, you can't control what your child will decide to do. They'll be their own person, with the same rights to self-determination you have, not your possession. If you go the donor egg route, you really do need to pragmatically and fully accept that you can't control this aspect, especially in these days of widely available DNA testing and matching. I get that it's hard. We're in the same situation right now you are, with one child that's from our own egg/sperm and looking at a potential second that would come to us via donor egg. But you owe it to your future child to work through your own issues about the manner of their conception. It's not something to hide; that approach is going to make your innocent child feel their birth is somehow shameful and secret, which should be the last thing any of us want for our beloved children however they come to us. Any reputable fertility clinic can connect you with a good therapist to help you sort through these complicated emotions; please, for your own sake as well as that of any future child you may have, please talk to a professional about your concerns and fears.
I thought it was required
Anonymous
05/17/2022 10:49
Subject: Re:Donor Egg question
OP, you can't control what your child will decide to do. They'll be their own person, with the same rights to self-determination you have, not your possession. If you go the donor egg route, you really do need to pragmatically and fully accept that you can't control this aspect, especially in these days of widely available DNA testing and matching. I get that it's hard. We're in the same situation right now you are, with one child that's from our own egg/sperm and looking at a potential second that would come to us via donor egg. But you owe it to your future child to work through your own issues about the manner of their conception. It's not something to hide; that approach is going to make your innocent child feel their birth is somehow shameful and secret, which should be the last thing any of us want for our beloved children however they come to us. Any reputable fertility clinic can connect you with a good therapist to help you sort through these complicated emotions; please, for your own sake as well as that of any future child you may have, please talk to a professional about your concerns and fears.
Anonymous
05/17/2022 10:46
Subject: Donor Egg question
Anonymous wrote:Do you meant through the donor egg program or just in general? In general, you can't really prevent your child or the donor's other children from finding each other through home genetic testing like 23andme.
Also wanted to add -- I don't know if it includes donor eggs, but donor conceived people whose parents used anonymous donor sperm can also track down their half siblings via the Donor Sibling Registry. Why do you not want your kid to be able to find their half siblings? Are you trying to respect the donor's with anonymity or something else?
Anonymous
05/17/2022 10:39
Subject: Donor Egg question
Do you meant through the donor egg program or just in general? In general, you can't really prevent your child or the donor's other children from finding each other through home genetic testing like 23andme.
Anonymous
05/17/2022 10:34
Subject: Donor Egg question
We selected a donor egg, but she wants to be anonymous. Will our future child be able to lookup his or her siblings? We already have one of our own children and conceiving a second one has been very difficult. We will tell our children and immediate family but wouldn't want our future child to try make contact with other unknown half siblings. Any input we are in such a dilemma.