Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:40
Subject: trusts and inlaws
What exactly is there for grandpa to do as the eff he wants with grandkids under 5?
Tell us what exactly he wants to do? Being of the poor kid myself I do not comprehend what is there to do with such young kids hat would truly spoiled them that much.
Tell us what exactly he wants to do? Being of the poor kid myself I do not comprehend what is there to do with such young kids hat would truly spoiled them that much.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:35
Subject: trusts and inlaws
Anonymous wrote:**I understand this is a privileged problem but its also a problem**
My inlaws were very successful immigrants and DH is an only child. They have resented that we haven't let them excessively spoil our 3 kids like they want to (we're not talking about a few extra toys and treats....like really ridiculous things that would actually spoil the kids if allowed). They do it to try to be the most loved / see huge reactions from the kids etc....its a very self serving desire to spoil and not in the kids interests to have their every wish granted and every burden relieved by throwing money at it.
They informed us on our last visit that they've established a trust for each child to get several million when they turn 18 and "its between us and our grandkids and there's nothing you can do about it". We don't need the money ourselves, but I absolutely 100% DO NOT want my children to be given millions of dollars as a young adult. I've seen kids lose motivation entirely when they can float by for awhile and see absolutely no good in this. Why not set up a trust for when they're older so they still need to pick a career but have more flexibility to not have to save for retirement or some other way where an 18yo isn't being given a stupid amount of money when they're still trying to figure out life.
DH hates this also but is sticking his head in the sand b/c he feels enormous pressure and guilt from his parents. Is there anything at all we can do about this?
I think you are over reacting. Just because you think you have “seen” kids lose motivation because they have access to money does not make it so. There is no correlation. Does this have to do with your parents? You really need to stop and think why you are so angry about this. Your DH is not on your side and you about to go to war with your ILs for…what? I really feel you are charging windmills.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:33
Subject: trusts and inlaws
What YOU want or do not want for your kids, once they are adults, is irrelevant.
The only reason for them to go nuts, is that your sound like an utter control freak and they will rebel against you just to spite you.
Ease the reins or regret it more than you can imagine.
The only reason for them to go nuts, is that your sound like an utter control freak and they will rebel against you just to spite you.
Ease the reins or regret it more than you can imagine.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:32
Subject: trusts and inlaws
I’d develop a persuasive argument and write it down with sources and see if they would agree to wait until the kids are 25 to inherit or at least wait to tell them at 17 or 18. Highlight how it’s best for the kids and how appreciative you are. Then I’d work on raising your kids with a good work ethic and empathy for those who are less fortunate (volunteer often, travel abroad and expose them to different cultures/people). If they create these trusts, you don’t have any control over it but you can still raise good kid. I’ve met a few trust fund kids who were kind, hardworking people.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:32
Subject: trusts and inlaws
What is your problem op? It is between them and their adult grandkids at that point in time.
Are you some kind of narcisistic control freak? Where you are supposed to be the only one that matters to everyone in your family?
Are you some kind of narcisistic control freak? Where you are supposed to be the only one that matters to everyone in your family?
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:29
Subject: trusts and inlaws
You sound controlling anyway. Let them spend money on the kids.
As for the trust, you can start by preparing the kids to be financially literate. Just accept that it is going to happen and get your in laws on board so they feel included. Be straightforward about the importance of saving it and being prudent.
My grandparents had a trust for me and my sisters at 21 and my dad spent years getting us financially literate and with the right values. It wasn't perfect but it helped.
As for the trust, you can start by preparing the kids to be financially literate. Just accept that it is going to happen and get your in laws on board so they feel included. Be straightforward about the importance of saving it and being prudent.
My grandparents had a trust for me and my sisters at 21 and my dad spent years getting us financially literate and with the right values. It wasn't perfect but it helped.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:28
Subject: trusts and inlaws
I think you raise your kids right, OP, and it won't be a problem.
We live a frugal lifestyle but have significant assets. My children know this, and yet, I have taught them to work hard, to like learning, to enjoy intellectual challenges. I am not worried about them in the slighest.
I think both you and your in-laws are being very intense and ridiculous over this. The kids are so little! There's no point in fighting this. Just be glad the money is there, and do the hard work of parenting so they use it well.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:26
Subject: trusts and inlaws
Anonymous wrote:I agree with you but it their money and their choice. There is nothing you can do. You can talk to your children and see if they will agree to a plan that they do not get money until they are 25.
Who would agree to that?
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:26
Subject: trusts and inlaws
Anonymous wrote:Why NOT get it at 18? You're counting your chickens before they hatch. Shouldn't you be assuming you're raising productive adults? 18 is when they need to take out loans for college. With a trust they could buy property in the college town, pay for a new car, pay for college and grad school.
Plenty of people grew up with lots of money and still got good degrees and jobs.
By 25 so much of their lives will be set and money could have positively influenced a lot of that
This. And you could be divorced by then, so it might not be any of your business.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:24
Subject: trusts and inlaws
Why NOT get it at 18? You're counting your chickens before they hatch. Shouldn't you be assuming you're raising productive adults? 18 is when they need to take out loans for college. With a trust they could buy property in the college town, pay for a new car, pay for college and grad school.
Plenty of people grew up with lots of money and still got good degrees and jobs.
By 25 so much of their lives will be set and money could have positively influenced a lot of that
Plenty of people grew up with lots of money and still got good degrees and jobs.
By 25 so much of their lives will be set and money could have positively influenced a lot of that
Anonymous
05/02/2022 15:23
Subject: Re:trusts and inlaws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Assuming your kids are young, I would drop this discussions entirely. Once the first kid is closer to 16, I would bring it up again. By then, they might actually start to see that teenagers are dumb and giving them lots of money is stupid. They might also get past some of their ridiculousness by then.
Kids are young (all under 5) but my fil who is the most resentful that we haven’t let him do what he wants with HIS grandkids (he feels he has earned the right to do whatever the F he wants and who are we to stop him) is not young. His health is ok now (well managed chronic conditions) but at the point it wouldn’t be a total shock if he passed suddenly either
If the trust doesn’t pass until they are both dead. I would still drop it for a while. You will get better traction if you let this all die down for a while.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 14:51
Subject: trusts and inlaws
I agree with you but it their money and their choice. There is nothing you can do. You can talk to your children and see if they will agree to a plan that they do not get money until they are 25.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 14:51
Subject: Re:trusts and inlaws
Anonymous wrote:Assuming your kids are young, I would drop this discussions entirely. Once the first kid is closer to 16, I would bring it up again. By then, they might actually start to see that teenagers are dumb and giving them lots of money is stupid. They might also get past some of their ridiculousness by then.
Kids are young (all under 5) but my fil who is the most resentful that we haven’t let him do what he wants with HIS grandkids (he feels he has earned the right to do whatever the F he wants and who are we to stop him) is not young. His health is ok now (well managed chronic conditions) but at the point it wouldn’t be a total shock if he passed suddenly either
Anonymous
05/02/2022 14:47
Subject: Re:trusts and inlaws
Assuming your kids are young, I would drop this discussions entirely. Once the first kid is closer to 16, I would bring it up again. By then, they might actually start to see that teenagers are dumb and giving them lots of money is stupid. They might also get past some of their ridiculousness by then.
Anonymous
05/02/2022 14:21
Subject: trusts and inlaws
**I understand this is a privileged problem but its also a problem**
My inlaws were very successful immigrants and DH is an only child. They have resented that we haven't let them excessively spoil our 3 kids like they want to (we're not talking about a few extra toys and treats....like really ridiculous things that would actually spoil the kids if allowed). They do it to try to be the most loved / see huge reactions from the kids etc....its a very self serving desire to spoil and not in the kids interests to have their every wish granted and every burden relieved by throwing money at it.
They informed us on our last visit that they've established a trust for each child to get several million when they turn 18 and "its between us and our grandkids and there's nothing you can do about it". We don't need the money ourselves, but I absolutely 100% DO NOT want my children to be given millions of dollars as a young adult. I've seen kids lose motivation entirely when they can float by for awhile and see absolutely no good in this. Why not set up a trust for when they're older so they still need to pick a career but have more flexibility to not have to save for retirement or some other way where an 18yo isn't being given a stupid amount of money when they're still trying to figure out life.
DH hates this also but is sticking his head in the sand b/c he feels enormous pressure and guilt from his parents. Is there anything at all we can do about this?
My inlaws were very successful immigrants and DH is an only child. They have resented that we haven't let them excessively spoil our 3 kids like they want to (we're not talking about a few extra toys and treats....like really ridiculous things that would actually spoil the kids if allowed). They do it to try to be the most loved / see huge reactions from the kids etc....its a very self serving desire to spoil and not in the kids interests to have their every wish granted and every burden relieved by throwing money at it.
They informed us on our last visit that they've established a trust for each child to get several million when they turn 18 and "its between us and our grandkids and there's nothing you can do about it". We don't need the money ourselves, but I absolutely 100% DO NOT want my children to be given millions of dollars as a young adult. I've seen kids lose motivation entirely when they can float by for awhile and see absolutely no good in this. Why not set up a trust for when they're older so they still need to pick a career but have more flexibility to not have to save for retirement or some other way where an 18yo isn't being given a stupid amount of money when they're still trying to figure out life.
DH hates this also but is sticking his head in the sand b/c he feels enormous pressure and guilt from his parents. Is there anything at all we can do about this?