I will give you the hair brushing thing, but who cares about the dishwasher? It's not like it's going to flood the kitchen if he opens it when it's running, he will just have to start again and close the door. Why does that require any kind of adjudication of who was right or wrong? It was the most minor of blips.

Anonymous wrote:I am really frustrated with my DH and looking for advice. I have been working over the past 6 months to not fight with my husband, admit my shortcomings, and work on them. But DH does not. It's like he doesn't believe he has any. My biggest complaint is that he doesn't apologize when he is wrong, or that he has hurt me or our children, instead he will laugh (it is like a nervous laugh that he may not be very conscious of) and DEFEND himself. For example, this morning he's brushing DD hair and hurting her. Instead of saying sorry, oops, I'll be softer, he LAUGHS. How does that make her feel? She ran out crying. I've talked to him about it dozens of times. Nothing changes. Later we are in the kitchen having lunch and he goes to open the dishwasher. I say it's running. IT'S RUNNING! He opens it. Ugh ok, close it and restart it, I'm thinking. But instead he gets so defensive. "I didn't hear it! You didn't tell me it was running until I opened it!" Just say "oh oops" and move on. Every little thing turns into something much larger than it needs to be. What else can I do to help him have some empathy?

. Tell him "Relax, but please don't get defensive or lie". Consequences for that vs making things right.

Why did you marry him?

I see all of these discussions about failing husbands and I'm always like... either "didn't you know" or "it takes two to tango"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fyi for those of you in the "I never make my kids apologize because it's not authentic/genuine" camp--this is the adult you will get. You are forewarned.

BS. Helping kids see and acknowledge kids the impact of their actions is what a parent should do, and that is far from “forcing them to apologize.” Telling your kids “say sorry” is not teaching kids anything important. It doesn’t teach them to be empathic, it doesn’t teach them that intent doesn’t equal impact, etc. It teaches them that the most important thing is to keep the peace.

I agree that it's important to teach them empathy, you are absolutely right. But if a child doesn't ever have to overcome the discomfort of saying they are sorry then they will never overcome that discomfort, even if they are dead wrong and they know it.

Anonymous wrote:Fyi for those of you in the "I never make my kids apologize because it's not authentic/genuine" camp--this is the adult you will get. You are forewarned.

BS. Helping kids see and acknowledge kids the impact of their actions is what a parent should do, and that is far from “forcing them to apologize.” Telling your kids “say sorry” is not teaching kids anything important. It doesn’t teach them to be empathic, it doesn’t teach them that intent doesn’t equal impact, etc. It teaches them that the most important thing is to keep the peace.

Fyi for those of you in the "I never make my kids apologize because it's not authentic/genuine" camp--this is the adult you will get. You are forewarned.

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like my husband. I have forced myself to ignore him and also say "ok" when he tells me something that I know is wrong. I pretty much just pretend that he is an acquaintance that you just agree with to be polite. I've given up.

That sounds psychotic

He sounds like and idiot who doesn’t hear, listen or process anything verbal or situational going on.
Does he have learning disabilities or any spectrum disorders?

Apologizing should be the easiest habit to learn if he has any of the above. Getting defensive and rude everything yours wrong is a recipe for disaster for any workC parent, spousal relationship.

He sounds like and idiot who doesn’t hear, listen or process anything verbal or situational going on.
Does he have learning disabilities or any spectrum disorders?

Apologizing should be the easiest habit to learn if he has any of the above. Getting defensive and rude everything yours wrong is a recipe for disaster for any workC parent, spousal relationship.

He sounds like my husband. I have forced myself to ignore him and also say "ok" when he tells me something that I know is wrong. I pretty much just pretend that he is an acquaintance that you just agree with to be polite. I've given up.

Is your husband The Fonz?

Did you not know this before you married him? And then again before you had children with him?

1. You probably can’t. Figure out how to let the expectation go. You have to be the empathetic one. It sucks and isn’t fair, but leading by example is the only hope.

2. As you mentioned, he’s not conscious he’s doing what he’s doing and he probably DOES feel stupid and is (misguidedly) trying to cover it up. Making it into a thing will feel like a pile-on and cause further defensive behaviour.

3. Patience. My DH is very similar, but he’s a good guys and he does try. He’s had a lot of sensitivity training at work thats has actually served to make him a better listener. Together with my ability to show empathy progress has been made and it’s appreciated. And I let him know when I see it.

Your DH sounds like a narcissist. It's unlikely there's anything you can do to help him have empathy. If there's a chance that he'll consider any help, then he's more likely to listen to someone else instead of you. I understand that can be hurtful to you that he won't listen to you, but that's kind of how narcissists work. Maybe you should consider marriage counseling to work on your communication.

I am really frustrated with my DH and looking for advice. I have been working over the past 6 months to not fight with my husband, admit my shortcomings, and work on them. But DH does not. It's like he doesn't believe he has any. My biggest complaint is that he doesn't apologize when he is wrong, or that he has hurt me or our children, instead he will laugh (it is like a nervous laugh that he may not be very conscious of) and DEFEND himself. For example, this morning he's brushing DD hair and hurting her. Instead of saying sorry, oops, I'll be softer, he LAUGHS. How does that make her feel? She ran out crying. I've talked to him about it dozens of times. Nothing changes. Later we are in the kitchen having lunch and he goes to open the dishwasher. I say it's running. IT'S RUNNING! He opens it. Ugh ok, close it and restart it, I'm thinking. But instead he gets so defensive. "I didn't hear it! You didn't tell me it was running until I opened it!" Just say "oh oops" and move on. Every little thing turns into something much larger than it needs to be. What else can I do to help him have some empathy?