Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the OP is a female?

Because men pump and dump.

Only 2% want anything to do with the woman after it’s over …and they would have left the wife.

Women will romanticize anything and read a whole lot more into everything.

That, and the fact 98% of this board is female. And then there is sexless marriage guy.

Why does everyone think the OP is a female?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know they are with me too. We broke things off 3 years ago and I am just realizing that I’ve been physically ill from that loss the entire time. I love my spouse and our relationship is better than ever. There are kids involved on both sides. Affair was several years long, we broke things off so I could see if I could repair my marriage and keep my family together. So I did do those things but I am completely and utterly broken. And I’m feeling very driven to show up at AP’s house, which I know is a terrible idea. If I’m still like this after 3 years, is it worth it?

No, you don't. If the bolded were true you wouldn't still be pining for someone who doesn't want you.

Did you go to therapy to see why you think it's fine to cheat?

The OP sounds as if she's locked in a very long version of "affair fog." Like the fog never lifted. OP, look up that term. You are calling it love for the AP but it sounds like a combination of affair-fog idealizing and some form of dissatisfaction with your "better than ever" relationship. What is the real root of the dissatisfaction? "I love the AP" is not an answer. What is it about the marriage that is not "better" by now? Not what is it about the AP that you think you love--that's not the question. What is it about the marriage, OP?

Also: It's been over for three years. Unless you and the ex-AP have been in touch, which itself would be utterly wrong, how do you know the AP is still the same person you thought you loved? How do you know the AP supposedly still loves you? People can change a great deal in three years, believe it or not, OP. You are risking everything for a fantasy that's frozen in time from three years ago. Get therapy pronto.

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they still love you?

Yeah, that jumped out at me, too.

OP, if you "know" this because you and the AP are still in ANY form of contact at all, you know you need to end that yesterday, right?

If you "know" this because you just feel it in your gut, you know that's your own desire talking and not any actual guarantee that your former AP still loves you, right?

And you know, in either case, that even if your former AP still craves you and vice versa, none of that "love" (read: desire, attraction, sexual pull) matters, right? Not if you want to keep your family intact and adhere to the vows you decided to try keeping.

Still haven't seen a reply about whether you have had any therapy, OP. You are in a very dangerous mind-set right now, this minute. You need to distract the hell out yourself, double down on your kids and spouse, and absolutely do not put yourself in the position of seeing the AP even accidentally from a distance. If you have kids at the same school or run in the same social circles etc., and you still run into AP, you have to figure out how to ensure that never happens. Sorry, it's tough, but you do. I hope that at least you don't have kids in the same activities/schools where you will run into each other. If you do, you might need to come clean to your spouse so that your spouse will comprehend why you need to avoid this person 100 percent of the time. Terrible position to be in but it might become necessary. This is why you need a third party professional like a therapist to get you past this, so you can live your life without pining for the idealized world of the affair and the idealized AP. Maybe you will get past that enough you won't have to tell your spouse but you need to move fast and hard to stamp out this "I love the AP, the AP loves me" thinking.

Your spouse will be devastated if you reconnect with AP. Are you willing to lose your family for good this time?

Anonymous wrote:So you are going to walk up to the front door and say what exactly when his wife or kids open it?

"Hello, you don't know me, but I banged your dad for several years. Would you like a new step-mom?"

The wife will likely send the Ring camera video or evidence to her husband. I hope she has a job to support herself after that.

So you are going to walk up to the front door and say what exactly when his wife or kids open it?

"Hello, you don't know me, but I banged your dad for several years. Would you like a new step-mom?"

Go for it OP. You only live once. But if you reconnect you shoul commit to being together legitimately.

How do you know they still love you?

Restraining order. Those are public record. Do you want one of those filed so your spouse and kids can find out?

Anonymous wrote:I know they are with me too. We broke things off 3 years ago and I am just realizing that I’ve been physically ill from that loss the entire time. I love my spouse and our relationship is better than ever. There are kids involved on both sides. Affair was several years long, we broke things off so I could see if I could repair my marriage and keep my family together. So I did do those things but I am completely and utterly broken. And I’m feeling very driven to show up at AP’s house, which I know is a terrible idea. If I’m still like this after 3 years, is it worth it?

No, you don't. If the bolded were true you wouldn't still be pining for someone who doesn't want you.

Did you go to therapy to see why you think it's fine to cheat?

Ha. I'm pretty sure the guy does not feel the same way. LOL. If you show up at the home, I'd also be prepared for the cops to be called or someone to kick your *ss.

Are you David Bonola's wife?

Did you break up with him or did he end it with you? I'd think about that as well. If he told you off, you need to see a shrink.

Selfish and self sabotaging behavior needs therapy not reigniting an old flame.

Therapy.

I know they are with me too. We broke things off 3 years ago and I am just realizing that I’ve been physically ill from that loss the entire time. I love my spouse and our relationship is better than ever. There are kids involved on both sides. Affair was several years long, we broke things off so I could see if I could repair my marriage and keep my family together. So I did do those things but I am completely and utterly broken. And I’m feeling very driven to show up at AP’s house, which I know is a terrible idea. If I’m still like this after 3 years, is it worth it?