Agree with PPs, my first thought was "she treats me like an adult". Not that she did when I was a young kid, lol, so I'm not exactly recommending that approach with your young daughter. But she did always treat me with respect as an individual person with feelings, rights, responsibilities, and accountability. The rights, responsibilities and accountability all gradually grew over time. Now, she fully respects any decisions I make in life (as long as they are responsible decisions - if I did something really stupid I expect she'd call me out on it just like any good friend). And she's fun! We laugh, play card games, go on hikes, and generally have a great time together.

I think as the kids get older, we have to slowly shift from instructor to supporter role. At some point you have to let go of the impulse to control your kids. As long as you see them as people separate from yourself (which I don't find hard at all!), and respect them as such, you'll be fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t have a good relationship w my mom growing up, but she has literally become a different person now that we’re adults.

The new mom (that have had for the last 25 years):
— non-judgmental. Literally accepts my life choices, even if deep down she may be uncomfortable
— 100% supportive of me and my needs
— doesn’t guilt trip me. Even if I haven’t called in a week - she picks up the phone so happy to speak to me

It’s amazing to know that this person exists to support me and my life choices. She had fostered great relationships with her her three children and we get along great as well.

And I really do mean she is supportive and a joy to speak to. For example - She is devout Catholic, but I’m raising my kid “spiritually”. Not a single word has crossed her lips criticizing my choices.

I agree with all of this. My Mom is no longer living, but this was her. The short version is that she treated me like an adult.

YES- treat me like an adult. My dad went longer past when I turned 18 and kept treating me like his child. He'd lecture me on finances, grades, jobs, etc. My mom wanted to know more what my weekend plans are, and have I tried X restaurant?

My mom totally cares about what I'm interested in and she always has. My dad too (my dad actually gets my kids' syllabuses so he can ask them about their classes and hear about their subjects!). My mom has stayed up with popular music, culture and loves to hear about the minutiae of my day. It's nice for someone else to care other than DH. She helped me research summer camps for the kids. She's just involved and present. She's basically just like "what do you need, I'm here". (whereas a husband doesn't have to ask, he's just there helping).

That being said, I never complain to my mom about dh and don't want to hear her complain about dad. When we disagree, we're adults and just change the discussion. My mom and I have different political views although we're both pretty moderate.

Oh yeah and as far as keeping my DH (their SIL) happy, they watch the kids for 10 days a year so DH and I can take a wonderful vacation. He'd do anything for them because of that.

Never use the silent treatment as punishment. It has had serious implications for me as an adult. My mom and I get along, but some of the things she did to me as a kid have made me resentful.

As someone whose mom (and dad) weren't very good parents of me as a child nor as an adult, this thread is a bit painful. But as a mom, it's really useful. This kind of respectful, accepting relationship is exactly what I'm looking to cultivate with my own kid. Thanks for sharing PPs.

Also never abuse the power differential-no forcing your kid to be your therapist and don't complain about your friends or spouse to your kids. Treat them like adults, but not adults who owe you everything for birthing and raising them. Boundaries are so important.

My mother was always very involved in my life growing up- always volunteering with my various activities - but she was not very emotionally available. She was/is an empathetic listener, but never had any advice to offer or opinions to share. I do an understand letting children make their own mistakes, but this was more emotional underdevelopment than an intentional attempt at building resilience in her kids.

She will learn so much from watching you and how you move through life. Here are a few things I am working hard to exemplify for my DD (and DSs, too) that I didn’t learn from my own mom: Model loving, emotionally mature relationships and strong communication. Show her how to use her voice to share her opinions and feelings, and remind her that her voice is valued. Be open with your emotions, positive and negative, so she can learn how to express and regulate her own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t have a good relationship w my mom growing up, but she has literally become a different person now that we’re adults.

The new mom (that have had for the last 25 years):
— non-judgmental. Literally accepts my life choices, even if deep down she may be uncomfortable
— 100% supportive of me and my needs
— doesn’t guilt trip me. Even if I haven’t called in a week - she picks up the phone so happy to speak to me

It’s amazing to know that this person exists to support me and my life choices. She had fostered great relationships with her her three children and we get along great as well.

And I really do mean she is supportive and a joy to speak to. For example - She is devout Catholic, but I’m raising my kid “spiritually”. Not a single word has crossed her lips criticizing my choices.

I agree with all of this. My Mom is no longer living, but this was her. The short version is that she treated me like an adult.

+2
I could have written this but have a non-spiritual family and my devout mom just prays for us but doesn't need to tell me anything else about it despite being strict and awful as a younger parent. She is a good mother now that we all are adults.

Here is what i would say:
Don't ever use manipulation, insults and cruelty to get your way. Don't compare her unfavorably to cousins/siblings/her friends/your friends' kids. Only use guilt trips in childhood when really needed-to teach good values. It should not be a regular tool. Let her develop into who she is, not who you want her to be. Cheer her on for hard work. Notice things she does well and accomplishments.

I think the other posters are on to something when they say treat your adult child like an adult. My parents were good parents of children but they have been great parents of adults. We have a very equitable relationship and my parents, my sister, and I are able to reasonably discuss things like holidays, birthdays, vacations and come up with schedules and solutions that work for everyone. Since they rarely give unsolicited advice, I am more willing to directly ask their advice when I need it.

I have watched DH struggle with his parents for years. They were also good parents to children but have really struggled to be parents to adults. They can’t think of their kids as independent and understand that they need to respect their preferences and schedules. He loves them but does try to keep his distance because if you give them an inch, they will take a mile.

Three things to remember with your adult child:
-MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! If your adult child is excited about a new hobby or trip, or even having a child, don't nag them about whether they can afford it.
-Don't play favorites with your children. No one wants to hear about how much better their sibling is.
-You don't have to like every person your child dates. But once they are happily married, and they are happy together, suck it up and pretend you like them even if you don't. You're not going to change anything by making your disapproval known at that point.
The end.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t have a good relationship w my mom growing up, but she has literally become a different person now that we’re adults.

The new mom (that have had for the last 25 years):
— non-judgmental. Literally accepts my life choices, even if deep down she may be uncomfortable
— 100% supportive of me and my needs
— doesn’t guilt trip me. Even if I haven’t called in a week - she picks up the phone so happy to speak to me

It’s amazing to know that this person exists to support me and my life choices. She had fostered great relationships with her her three children and we get along great as well.

And I really do mean she is supportive and a joy to speak to. For example - She is devout Catholic, but I’m raising my kid “spiritually”. Not a single word has crossed her lips criticizing my choices.

I agree with all of this. My Mom is no longer living, but this was her. The short version is that she treated me like an adult.

I didn’t have a good relationship w my mom growing up, but she has literally become a different person now that we’re adults.

The new mom (that have had for the last 25 years):
— non-judgmental. Literally accepts my life choices, even if deep down she may be uncomfortable
— 100% supportive of me and my needs
— doesn’t guilt trip me. Even if I haven’t called in a week - she picks up the phone so happy to speak to me

It’s amazing to know that this person exists to support me and my life choices. She had fostered great relationships with her her three children and we get along great as well.

And I really do mean she is supportive and a joy to speak to. For example - She is devout Catholic, but I’m raising my kid “spiritually”. Not a single word has crossed her lips criticizing my choices.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mom. But I have a young daughter. I don’t want to replicate things