As an adoptive mom, your question makes me think about people who were adopted. Usually it doesn’t matter how the kid entered the family but in some situations, it does matter. Certain conversations and doctor visits, for example. And. It matters, that’s when it comes up.

Anonymous wrote:I get where you’re coming from OP.

As a non-transgender person I would think the goal is transition and total passing and never or rarely having to identify yourself as a trans man or woman. Then you’d just be a man or woman without the trans identifier. But that’s not the case from what I see, being trans is an identity in and of itself to be proud of and claim.

I don’t know. I don’t understand most of it and that’s okay. I listen and try to be respectful.

Many trans people have a goal of passing, we obsess about it. Many trans women spend tens of thousands of dollars on painful facial feminization surgery where they cut the skin at the hairline and peel it all the way down. Then the bone on the jaw is shaved down. The bone on the brow ridge is shaved. The hairline might be moved down. A few other things like work on the nose as well can happen. Then the skin is put back in place and down back on. We don’t get this because we don’t care if we pass or not. It hurts and recovery is long. I haven’t had it done but I may at some point.

In terms of trans as an identity, well I mean sure. It’s who we are. Trans people are very uncommon so it’s nice to know other trans people and discuss what we are dealing with or thinking about with others in similar circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:I get where you’re coming from OP.

As a non-transgender person I would think the goal is transition and total passing and never or rarely having to identify yourself as a trans man or woman. Then you’d just be a man or woman without the trans identifier. But that’s not the case from what I see, being trans is an identity in and of itself to be proud of and claim.

I don’t know. I don’t understand most of it and that’s okay. I listen and try to be respectful.

I’m not intending to be impolite but how would you accomplish that without cutting off ties to everyone you knew before transitioning? And your transitioning support group? Basically everyone who helped you get to the point where you’re comfortable presenting as the gender you identify as, they’d be cut off.

It’s not a dirty secret you have to keep hidden. It’s not dot ask don’t tell 90s in the military where you can be gay on the down low but not out and about. What if you have a big holiday party and your mom slips up and says little Timmy instead of little Tammy?

If people are accepting, there can be a way to keep pre transition friends and family in your life as well as new friends who only know you post transition. That’s when it becomes important to respect individual wishes about privacy. My son is open about it to people who have known him forever, but certainly doesn’t broadcast it to new people he meets. It’s not a secret, but it’s not like he wears a name tag that says I’m trans. There is a middle ground.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. So transgender middle schoolers and teens aren’t making a point to call themselves a trans girl/woman (for ex) or a cis gendered person a cis man. Just man or woman/ boy or girl?

Yes, unless specifying cis or trans is relevant to the conversation (e.g., doctor intake forms, discussing personal experience with trans issues, etc). But it’s helpful for kids to know the terminology sob that they understand it when they themselves are filling out forms or in a conversation where it comes up.

I get where you’re coming from OP.

As a non-transgender person I would think the goal is transition and total passing and never or rarely having to identify yourself as a trans man or woman. Then you’d just be a man or woman without the trans identifier. But that’s not the case from what I see, being trans is an identity in and of itself to be proud of and claim.

I don’t know. I don’t understand most of it and that’s okay. I listen and try to be respectful.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. So transgender middle schoolers and teens aren’t making a point to call themselves a trans girl/woman (for ex) or a cis gendered person a cis man. Just man or woman/ boy or girl?

How often does anyone have to declare their gender? Usually these situations are done as a group where everyone participates (introductions) or in the third person when someone isn’t present. It’s not like you use gender pronouns to someone’s face.

My son is trans, but he’s a little older. The last time I remember him saying he was trans was when his friend jokingly asked why he’s so short when his dad is so tall. DS said, “well, trans guys are usually shorter than you cis men.” They laughed and it was all good. Other situations where it comes up include medical appointments, pharmacy pickups, and times when he needs to use his legal name (he hasn’t changed it yet). First day of classes was an issue until he realized he should email the teachers beforehand and ask them to change it before class. Other than that, it’s random social interactions when it’s relevant to the situation, like if someone knew him when he was younger and hadn’t heard about his transition, or if trans rights come up as a topic. Also, if people are being transphobic, he’ll point out to them that he’s trans and they like him, so why be anti trans? But no, he doesn’t walk around with a label on his shirt saying “Larlo the trans man” and when you meet him he doesn’t shake and say that, just Larlo. He does have a trans flag patch on his backpack, but that’s not always an identifier.

Thanks all. So transgender middle schoolers and teens aren’t making a point to call themselves a trans girl/woman (for ex) or a cis gendered person a cis man. Just man or woman/ boy or girl?

My child looks like the opposite gender- from the way they dress to their hair style. They get misgendered all the time. Its important for their teachers to know their born gender AND preferred pronouns, especially in an emergency.

Children tend to begin exploring gender identity as young as 3, 4, and 5, so starting this conversation early makes a lot of sense.

Note that this is completely separate from sex/sex identity, as kids don't have the capacity to yet understand those feelings (so gay/straight/bi...this has nothing to do with that).

Cis is a way to identify someone who has a gender identity that is consistent with their genitals, and trans is a way to identify someone who has a gender identity that is inconsistent with their genitals.

Schools and people are using these terms to not single out kids, or create an "other," and you will likely find that kids are super comfortable with this as long as the adults in their life are as well.

At our school, there are 2 children that already identify as trans and one that is certainly heading that way. The way my kids understand it is that "X was born with boy parts but feels inside that they are a girl." And they are cool with that.

This is not something that parents are forcing either. Gender identity is a pretty early step is sorting yourself out and your place in the world as a kid.

Is that helpful?

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to understand why is there a need to use words like “transgender female” or “cisgender male” as opposed to simply female or male? Why does what you were assigned at birth matter? Are those adjectives wanted? Why are they needed?

As far as I know, no one uses the terms “transgender female” or “cisgender male” but rather use transgender man and cisgender woman. You don't have to use transgender or cisgender if you don't want to and in most conversations it's not relevant.

They are adjectives that modify/describe the noun to provide more context in the appropriate situation. So for example, if you went to lunch and everyone there was transgender except for you, you might mention that you're a cis woman so it's not assumed you understand everything being discussed or all the terminology being used.

Anonymous wrote:Specifying transgender vs cisgender makes either option equal.

When the options are "male" and "transgender male," the latter seems lesser.

So why wouldn’t the effort be put towards removing the adjective? Why can’t a person just be male or female?

Specifying transgender vs cisgender makes either option equal.

When the options are "male" and "transgender male," the latter seems lesser.

I’m trying to understand why is there a need to use words like “transgender female” or “cisgender male” as opposed to simply female or male? Why does what you were assigned at birth matter? Are those adjectives wanted? Why are they needed?

I know you said you're really trying to understand but I don't understand what it is you're even trying to understand. Are you asking if a transgender person should disclose their transgender status to their doctor?

Our children’s school is engraving the terms transgender and cisgender into the student’s vocabularies and encouraging the kids to consider these terms when thinking about their identity. I’m not sure I understand why this is necessary. Whatever you were assigned at birth, if you identify as male or female why can’t those terms be used? If there is some medical reason that on a medical form you need to specify what you were assigned at birth that makes sense, but why the need to say “transgender female” or “cisgender male?” I’m really trying to understand.