Someone can treat your kids "nicely" and still bring a lot of problems into the family. It isn't as simple as just being nice to each other.

Anonymous wrote: So I'm recently divorced and my adult kids are doing well. One's married but no grandkids yet. It probably helps that exdh and I are amicable enough (we still have a minor so need to be). We have a kid's wedding upcoming and we are working together for the sake of our dc as far as the wedding and dc knows that we are onboard with whatever they choose, like will we walk together or whatever.

It probably also helps that there are no other people involved (no cheating and no new relationships). He probably will seek a relationship. I have no intentions of doing so and could care less whom he dates as long as they treat my kids nicely.

Like I've told them-we're still committed to being (the kids) parents, even though we aren't married anymore.

Right, so, you're in the easy part! It gets WAY harder when you're splitting time with in-laws, dragging little children from household to household, dealing with step-relatives and all the problems and drama they can bring, and trying to deal with two (or four!) really old people in separate locations. Don't think it's always going to be this simple.

It's really salt in the wound how my parents congratulate themselves on being so amicable and so much happier, yet they expect me to do a ton of work to accommodate their divorce and new relationships. If I was only putting in the amount of effort that an adult child of a happy marriage has to do, they'd be much less happy with it. But my children would also lose out in that scenario, so I carry on. It sucks.

Anonymous wrote:
See, you're in the easy part. The time when the children are out of the house but don't yet have their own kids, and you like to see them but you don't actually need them in the way you will as an elderly person. It's about to get harder, when they marry and have children and less time and energy to spend on accommodating your divorce.

I hope I never have to actually need them as an elderly person. I know that's what happens but I dread putting them through that. I'd rather just go away quietly. But that's another topic altogether.

2:13 again...the kids now have a stepmother that they like well enough in small doses (her kids are adults too), and I'm happily single so there's not a lot of step-parent angst for my kids. That probably helps the situation.

So I'm recently divorced and my adult kids are doing well. One's married but no grandkids yet. It probably helps that exdh and I are amicable enough (we still have a minor so need to be). We have a kid's wedding upcoming and we are working together for the sake of our dc as far as the wedding and dc knows that we are onboard with whatever they choose, like will we walk together or whatever.

It probably also helps that there are no other people involved (no cheating and no new relationships). He probably will seek a relationship. I have no intentions of doing so and could care less whom he dates as long as they treat my kids nicely.

Like I've told them-we're still committed to being (the kids) parents, even though we aren't married anymore.

Anonymous wrote:I'm five years out from my divorce, my kids were 15 and 21 at the time - now I am past the emotional roller-coaster my ex and I went through (and inevitably put them through) I have reason to believe they see us both happier than when we were married, and they see us getting along better apart than we ever did married. The ex and I live a mile apart and we agreed he gets Thanksgiving and I get Christmas, so holidays don't cause the hassle they would otherwise cause. All in all, it was a gauntlet that we all got through and learned from the experience.

See, you're in the easy part. The time when the children are out of the house but don't yet have their own kids, and you like to see them but you don't actually need them in the way you will as an elderly person. It's about to get harder, when they marry and have children and less time and energy to spend on accommodating your divorce.

I'm five years out from my divorce, my kids were 15 and 21 at the time - now I am past the emotional roller-coaster my ex and I went through (and inevitably put them through) I have reason to believe they see us both happier than when we were married, and they see us getting along better apart than we ever did married. The ex and I live a mile apart and we agreed he gets Thanksgiving and I get Christmas, so holidays don't cause the hassle they would otherwise cause. All in all, it was a gauntlet that we all got through and learned from the experience.

Your new relationships are fine if the other person is okay (meaning, no more health problems than average, minds his/her own business, doesn't push for changes to family routines, and doesn't have financial problems or children who have major problems). But don't think that your adult children will care very much or help take care of this person when they are sick. We all know if you divorced them, that would be the end of any relationship. Don't kid yourself. And if your new relationship does turn out to be a pain in the ass, we'll disengage. Remember that we have to spend time and care for our other parent too-- you can divorce them but they're still our parent. And if our in-laws are also divorced, that spreads us even thinner.

^as for the new relationships, DH has been absolutely fine with it as long as they were good people who treated his parents well. Both his parents remarried. One more than once.

DH has less patience and snaps at his mother a lot more now when she complains about his dad. They have been divorced for decades. He was quiet as a kid and now he calls her out on it to stop talking or he’s having hanging up the phone or leaving if he’s there. He’s also tired of bouncing around on holidays. To put this in perspective, DH is almost 50 so he’s been dealing with the divorce for years and now he has two very elderly parents who he feels are still trying to put him in the middle. As a man himself, older than they were when they even got divorced, he’s pretty bitter.

That’s my outside perspective as his wife.

I can’t stand adults that think their parents should stay married for the sake of the adult kids. So selfish. Yes, life may be harder, splitting holidays is no fun; it may be upsetting to realize your parents aren’t happy, but seriously, people deserve an opportunity to live the end of their lives as they see fit. Mind you, parents that choose the divorce have no business guilting their kids about sharing holidays, or however else they are negatively affected by the divorce; it’s a two way street.

Anonymous wrote:How does divorce effect adult children? Does anyone know? Meaning when they are out of the house and married.

Also, does the new relationships your parents have effect you too if they are negative?

Read Julia M. Lewis’s
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. It is eye-opening!

It's a giant pain and may or may not be an improvement. Yes, if the new relationship is negative it is way worse.

Be sure you can afford this because your children will not want to bankroll you.

There are many threads on this.

How does divorce effect adult children? Does anyone know? Meaning when they are out of the house and married.

Also, does the new relationships your parents have effect you too if they are negative?