I wouldn't say it's painful to be around them, but I definitely don't feel like I fit in with DH's family. Though one saving grace is that I fit in much better with his extended family (especially his aunts and cousins) than with his immediate family. So big family get togethers are actually pretty fun. But when it's just immediate family, it can be hard and yes, I definitely feel relieved when it's over. His brother is particularly difficult, though his mom, while very sweet, can be quite draining.

But the key for me (10 years of marriage, 15 years together) is that my DH feels the same. We just grin and bear it, but then he has someone to kvetch to when it's all over. And since we both prefer his extended family, we are on the same page with trying to mostly focus on larger family gatherings when we can. But of course sometimes we just do the immediate family, and we can kind of support each other through that. There have been hiccups (my pregnancy was extra miserable around his family as they were the opposite of supportive or understanding, and I did feel DH could have done more on my behalf back then) but for the most part we're on the same page.

OP here - thank you for your responses. These are all good suggestions and helps to put things into perspective!

I'm the opposite of this situation (I'm more outgoing and they just stare at me). Having kids has helped extensively. Kids give me something to do. I'm also thrilled that I've gotten BILs and other new members of the family to talk to.

I think it takes really special, welcoming people to fit in with an in law crowd.

In my limited experience they expected me to turn up and kiss everyone's ass and fit in with how they did things not caring who I was or my background or anything. We never bonded and I spend zero time with them.

I don’t fit in either. And no one speaks English either when I’m over- even though they are all fluent. So...I limit my visits and become one with my own thoughts. I find it super rude though

You make it short. You have fewer expectatioins. You let your DH see them alone.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else feel this way with in-law family? I’m not outgoing (neither is DH) and his parents, SIL, BIL are. They aren’t mean just we have nothing in common and it’s, unfortunately, painful for me to go to family functions since I feel I don’t really fit in. I can sometimes handle just his parents but they favor SIL and BIL so we’ve tried just doing get togethers with only his parents.

We just had a get together and I am actually relieved it’s over and that they are going away for Easter.

It’s not possible to instantly think of another family as your own or to fit in with them, it can be impossible in many cases but can work out reasonably well if both sides are thoughtful. Do didn’t grow up with them so approach it like adult adoption, difficult for both sides.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else feel this way with in-law family? I’m not outgoing (neither is DH) and his parents, SIL, BIL are. They aren’t mean just we have nothing in common and it’s, unfortunately, painful for me to go to family functions since I feel I don’t really fit in. I can sometimes handle just his parents but they favor SIL and BIL so we’ve tried just doing get togethers with only his parents.

We just had a get together and I am actually relieved it’s over and that they are going away for Easter.

I could not be more different than my ILs. Like in every single way. But it shouldn't be painful. Think of questions you want to ask them before you go, and really try to listen when they are talking.

Anonymous wrote:This kind of situation is why people play cards. I never understood that until I married my DH. His whole family is basically a web of this kind of relationship.

YESSSSS. I never played cards growing up, but DH's family does, and I am so glad. Helps pass the time. Drinking helps too.

If you all feel safe doing it, try going to movies or plays. Then you're together, but not focused on each other. Afterwards, you can get a snack and discuss whatever you watched. Boom, four hours invested in spending time with them!

This kind of situation is why people play cards. I never understood that until I married my DH. His whole family is basically a web of this kind of relationship.

What would you say, I wonder, about my parents, who met when they had no common language, citizenship (still don't), religion or culture? Their countries fought on opposite sides of WWII, and I had relatives on both sides who served. My father's parents welcomed my mother with open arms, despite not being able to speak to her directly (no common language), and my mother's parents most emphatically did not do the same for my father.

You didn't marry your in-laws. You married your spouse. I married into a different culture again than either of the ones I grew up in, and I get along well with my MIL, but not my SILs. It doesn't matter. I did not marry them. Be courteous when you see them. All that is asked of you is common politeness.

How long have you been married? It took me 15 or so years to be really comfortable with DH’s moms side. We don’t live local and I only see them 1-2 times per year. I like my SIL a lot now.

As for his dad’s side, they are nice people but it’s like visiting polite strangers still after 25 years. It is what it is. I don’t mind it anymore even if I’m not comfortable. I see them once per year, if that. Also not local.

Just try a little harder to have nice visits. Plan an activity that keeps you busy like going to a movie or play. They probably love you, but are more comfortable with sister and brother in law. Have them over to your house for visit with just them. Try to build the relationship a little at a time.

Does anyone else feel this way with in-law family? I’m not outgoing (neither is DH) and his parents, SIL, BIL are. They aren’t mean just we have nothing in common and it’s, unfortunately, painful for me to go to family functions since I feel I don’t really fit in. I can sometimes handle just his parents but they favor SIL and BIL so we’ve tried just doing get togethers with only his parents.

We just had a get together and I am actually relieved it’s over and that they are going away for Easter.