whether or not there are other secrets (affair), he is an alcoholic now. Start with Al-Anon meetings for you, they will be extremely helpful. As you can see from the timeline, his behavior will keep escalating and you will need the support/guidance on what you can do from your end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm, I’m an alcoholic. It sounds like he is, too.

Consider going to Al-Anon. Also, look online for Dick Prodey lectures on Alcoholism. Very instructive, series of 8, start with whichever one seems most on-point for you.

Do you think so even thought between these instances he is never drunk?

DP. He’s using the alcohol (possibly sex too) to cope with some void or internal trauma.

Anonymous wrote:Does alcoholism run in the family? My spouse swore he’d never end up like his dad. He didn’t start drinking until midlife.

DHs dad partied way too hard in his early 20s and has been dry over 40 years since way before he met my MIL or had kids. MIL has occasional drunks.

OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Things are tough enough right now, and to feel this disconnect and confusion with your partner is so hard.

You seem very patient and empathetic, thus it can be hard to know when to push harder to get to the root/bottom of things. The defensiveness makes it even harder. I'm really sorry. I don't have advice. My own spouse is dealing with his own stuff so I can relate that it can be very upsetting.

Does alcoholism run in the family? My spouse swore he’d never end up like his dad. He didn’t start drinking until midlife.

Anonymous wrote:Ummm, I’m an alcoholic. It sounds like he is, too.

Consider going to Al-Anon. Also, look online for Dick Prodey lectures on Alcoholism. Very instructive, series of 8, start with whichever one seems most on-point for you.

Do you think so even thought between these instances he is never drunk?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe my spouse when he was having an affair. The drinking started with the affair. Stress and guilt compounded to drinking to alleviate that. He got in way too deep. He had to get drunk anytime he saw her or right after.

Op here. This was a theory I considered, but we are always together. We both WFH. Idk could be an emotional one or very very rare meetings?

I'm sorry. It sounds terrible for you both. If it's an affair, maybe he was at the movies with her and also during the "walk".

They most likely bought the tickets as alibis for their spouses and used those 2 hours to be alone together/have sex.

Ummm, I’m an alcoholic. It sounds like he is, too.

Consider going to Al-Anon. Also, look online for Dick Prodey lectures on Alcoholism. Very instructive, series of 8, start with whichever one seems most on-point for you.

DP. OP- the drinking, the affair, all were the result if a major midlife crisis/emotional breakdown in my spouse.

I never even knew that he had a bottle of Tito’s in the freezer he’d take shots of before their hook ups—and then I was like “how is he so drunk off the 1-2 glasses of wine we shared on the couch later that night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe my spouse when he was having an affair. The drinking started with the affair. Stress and guilt compounded to drinking to alleviate that. He got in way too deep. He had to get drunk anytime he saw her or right after.

Op here. This was a theory I considered, but we are always together. We both WFH. Idk could be an emotional one or very very rare meetings?

Similar. In our case, very infrequent meetups. 1-2 times a month (when he was “running an errand” or “going to the gym”), sometimes many weeks without seeing her. So I also thought it couldn’t be an affair.

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you went through that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe my spouse when he was having an affair. The drinking started with the affair. Stress and guilt compounded to drinking to alleviate that. He got in way too deep. He had to get drunk anytime he saw her or right after.

Op here. This was a theory I considered, but we are always together. We both WFH. Idk could be an emotional one or very very rare meetings?

Similar. In our case, very infrequent meetups. 1-2 times a month (when he was “running an errand” or “going to the gym”), sometimes many weeks without seeing her. So I also thought it couldn’t be an affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You describe my spouse when he was having an affair. The drinking started with the affair. Stress and guilt compounded to drinking to alleviate that. He got in way too deep. He had to get drunk anytime he saw her or right after.

Op here. This was a theory I considered, but we are always together. We both WFH. Idk could be an emotional one or very very rare meetings?

I'm sorry. It sounds terrible for you both. If it's an affair, maybe he was at the movies with her and also during the "walk".

Anonymous wrote:You describe my spouse when he was having an affair. The drinking started with the affair. Stress and guilt compounded to drinking to alleviate that. He got in way too deep. He had to get drunk anytime he saw her or right after.

Op here. This was a theory I considered, but we are always together. We both WFH. Idk could be an emotional one or very very rare meetings?

You describe my spouse when he was having an affair. The drinking started with the affair. Stress and guilt compounded to drinking to alleviate that. He got in way too deep. He had to get drunk anytime he saw her or right after.

August: I was looking for a serving platter in the cabinets of our in-law suite kitchen that we never use. I opened a drawer and there were 8 empty beer cans in it. I searched the rest of the area and didn't find anything else. I candidly brought them up to DH and he gaslit me at first before admitting to them being his. He said they were from a span on several months where he had a beer after work on a friday before coming upstairs (office is next to in law suite in the basement). Whatever, I thought it was weird but mostly shrugged it off.

October: We go on vacation as a family. DH was putting the kids to bed while I was cooking us a nice dinner in our airbnb. I was again opening cabinets looking for an appliance and there was a full, cold open beer in a random cabinet. He comes in the room, I ask him about it. He says he has no idea what I'm talking about. I'm like ITS A COLD BEER so was freshly placed there. He again gaslit me and denied it for 15 mins until I said I was going to wake our 3yo up and give him a huge punishment because he apparently got a beer, opened it, and hid it as it wasn't me. He said ok. I then told him to look me in my eyes and tell me its not his beer. He started crying and said that it was his beer and he was embarrassed and he put it in the cabinet because he wanted another beer (we had each had two while swimming that afternoon) and to feel a little carefree and like we were actually on vacation and he thought I wasn't going to grab another so he hid it. It just didn't make any sense to me because I was currently drinking a glass of wine while cooking and had one waiting for him for after he came down from putting the kids to bed.

February: he wanted to see a new movie that was out so I encouraged him to see if any of his friends were available last minute. They weren't and he was bummed so I said go alone, I'll handle bedtime. The movie was at 8pm and had a 90min run time. At 11:10pm I texted and asked where he was as our infant kept getting up and I really wanted a couple hours of sleep. He replied immediately and said he was on his way. He came home visibly drunk and slurring (he drove), said he had two beers at the movie theater, passed out and didn't help me with baby.

Last night: we had our best friends and their kids over. They were here from 3-5:30pm. We all had pizza and each adult had one beer. When friends left, Dh and I did baths, books, and bedtime with our kids. I answered 30 mins worth of emails while DH sat at the table chit chatting with me. Then he said he was going to walk the dog quick and that our neighbor (one of DH's best friends) may join with his dog. DH came home 70 mins later completely trashed. He puked for two straight hours. How can that happen in an hour? I was calm, rubbed his back, got him water and tylenol, crackers and gatorade. I said we'd talk about it tomorrow (today), but now today is here and I haven't so much as looked at him.

What is happening here? We have been together 20 years since we were 18 and he has never ever had any issues with alcohol, hiding things, gaslighting etc. We have a really solid marriage, genuinely enjoy each other, have healthy kids, good jobs, a nice work life balance etc. It feels weird to think 4 instances in an 8 month timeframe would be a drinking problem, but these are SO wildly out of character I'm having trouble opening a conversation or knowing what to think. This is really throwing me for a loop.