Anonymous wrote:I am very disappointed in myself and my marriage. I guess it is my own fault as I never truly had career ambitions and was a bit lost after graduation. I wanted to marry someone well-to-do with the expectation that he would be the primary breadwinner. Plenty of women do this, but they at least select their husbands carefully, vetting them for their success potential. I married someone I thought was smart and interesting. He had a BA and MA in liberal arts and although a hard worker, only made about 90k at 30. I started to become impatient as my clock was ticking and I wanted the resources to be able to buy a house, have a child, start our married adult life. I made about 50k then to his 90k. He also had to pay about 1k in grad school loans so we did not have much left for significant savings.

Here we are at 34 and we do not have a house, a child or are able to proceed in both ways. I have a lot of anxiety and sadness about wasted time in a marriage where my dreams were not possible. I feel so bitter and angry, at myself and him.

Well find a new dream, honey.

Anonymous wrote:I am very disappointed in myself and my marriage. I guess it is my own fault as I never truly had career ambitions and was a bit lost after graduation. I wanted to marry someone well-to-do with the expectation that he would be the primary breadwinner. Plenty of women do this, but they at least select their husbands carefully, vetting them for their success potential. I married someone I thought was smart and interesting. He had a BA and MA in liberal arts and although a hard worker, only made about 90k at 30. I started to become impatient as my clock was ticking and I wanted the resources to be able to buy a house, have a child, start our married adult life. I made about 50k then to his 90k. He also had to pay about 1k in grad school loans so we did not have much left for significant savings.

Here we are at 34 and we do not have a house, a child or are able to proceed in both ways. I have a lot of anxiety and sadness about wasted time in a marriage where my dreams were not possible. I feel so bitter and angry, at myself and him.

OP is it possible your DH (dear husband) is in actual fact making much more than you think, or that you are actually making a little less and that adding those two figures together gets you a little closer to the desired average? Another thing he could be working on is the surprise house. Has he driven you buy, or even walked by or alluded to in particular houses, along the lines of That's An Interesting House, or I've Never Noticed That House Before. If so, watch out, as he may have bought it, or be in the process of buying it or acquiring it in some form or fashion in order to spring it on you. Would be interesting to know if you have noticed any of these telltale traits. As fa as the MA (Master of Arts) can you be sure your D.H. actually has this degree. Many people say they have one, or found one, when it is something they would like to do, but have not as yet. Not saying that is the case here, just something to consider.

Anonymous wrote:We've always made less and still managed to have a family and be happy. Something else is going on.

Yes. She's materialistic and has expectations he can't ever meet. Even if he earns more, it won't be enough. Now, it's "house and kid." Once she gets those, it will be "better school for kid" or whatever else is the next step on her ladder of expectations.

OP, you said you married "someone I thought was smart and interesting." Really? Was he interesting to YOU, or do you mean that you figured he was smart and interesting enough to make good dough despite his liberal arts degree? (And I see you. You just had to toss in "liberal arts" with a whiff of disdain.) Is there anything about him you actually like and love that trumps any house or income level? Because if there is, it does not come across in your post. At all.

"I have a lot of anxiety and sadness about wasted time in a marriage where my dreams were not possible. I feel so bitter and angry, at myself and him." Yet you say nothing about whether you enjoy being with him, share interests in common, have values in common (I suspect not, as yours seem rooted in money), have any fun together, confide in each other, worry about each others' happiness....Nope, nothing. If all your anxiety and sadness is over not having a house and not being in the income bracket you deem acceptable, the issue is you.

Are you both putting off having a child until you achieve a single family home, or is that just you? Have you ever done self reflection or gotten therapy to figure out why you cannot comprehend living on the income you describe, and doing so very happily? Because many, many people live on less, don't own a home, and have children. Oh, and love their spouses as people, and treat the marriage as a partnership, not a transaction where one party is wrong if he or she does not provide the expected income and living situation. Your values are skewed.

Anonymous wrote:I am very disappointed in myself and my marriage. I guess it is my own fault as I never truly had career ambitions and was a bit lost after graduation. I wanted to marry someone well-to-do with the expectation that he would be the primary breadwinner. Plenty of women do this, but they at least select their husbands carefully, vetting them for their success potential. I married someone I thought was smart and interesting. He had a BA and MA in liberal arts and although a hard worker, only made about 90k at 30. I started to become impatient as my clock was ticking and I wanted the resources to be able to buy a house, have a child, start our married adult life. I made about 50k then to his 90k. He also had to pay about 1k in grad school loans so we did not have much left for significant savings.

Here we are at 34 and we do not have a house, a child or are able to proceed in both ways. I have a lot of anxiety and sadness about wasted time in a marriage where my dreams were not possible. I feel so bitter and angry, at myself and him.

You didn’t improve your own earning potential.

Picked someone without wealth or a guaranteed high income potential.

Your expectations doesn’t meet your reality.

You are only 34, change career and improve income or get pregnant and decrease income potential/increase expenses.

You can be happy if you readjust your expectations. If he is a good partner, value him, good people are worth way more than their net worth.

We've always made less and still managed to have a family and be happy. Something else is going on.

140k together?

You are doing just fine. Stop crying over your income and maybe have a better budget, spending plan, and housing plan.

Anonymous wrote:It’s actually possible to ovulate on that income.

You are fabulous.

at least select their husbands carefully, vetting them for their success potential.

I feel like maybe there is some baggage that is keeping you from seeing the big picture? The above posters are correct; you can basically have what you want on the income you want with a little compromise and creativity. I'd consider therapy, honestly.

MA in Liberal Arts is the hallmark of someone directionless who has no career plan and is hiding out in expensive yet worthless graduate school. It is a useless degree and IMO worse to have than not have, bc it brands you as a loser.

Go over to the real estate forum and there are tons of posts about people who are trying to buy homes in your same hhi. Lots of suggestions there about areas to buy etc. You’re feeling jealous of your wealthier friends/peers. Everyone does sometimes, but you’re doing great in the scheme of things.

It’s actually possible to ovulate on that income.

If you can’t figure out how to buy a house and have a kid on 150k I just don’t know what to even tell you.

oNlY maDe 90k aT 30. Girl, bye.

I am very disappointed in myself and my marriage. I guess it is my own fault as I never truly had career ambitions and was a bit lost after graduation. I wanted to marry someone well-to-do with the expectation that he would be the primary breadwinner. Plenty of women do this, but they at least select their husbands carefully, vetting them for their success potential. I married someone I thought was smart and interesting. He had a BA and MA in liberal arts and although a hard worker, only made about 90k at 30. I started to become impatient as my clock was ticking and I wanted the resources to be able to buy a house, have a child, start our married adult life. I made about 50k then to his 90k. He also had to pay about 1k in grad school loans so we did not have much left for significant savings.

Here we are at 34 and we do not have a house, a child or are able to proceed in both ways. I have a lot of anxiety and sadness about wasted time in a marriage where my dreams were not possible. I feel so bitter and angry, at myself and him.