Anonymous wrote:Does your child have any delays or disabilities? Otherwise this doesn't really make sense.

I was a preschool teacher for almost 3 years before becoming a mother. I assure you, it was not at all unheard of for many, many 3-4 year olds to still be in pull ups.

Heck we had 5 year olds still wearing diapers at naptime.

It's fine, he'll get there eventually OP. Have you mentioned this to his pediatrician?

Does your child have any delays or disabilities? Otherwise this doesn't really make sense.

I think it is really kid dependent but in general it is best to stay in underwear all day. One thing that you can try is underwear UNDER a pull-up at grandmas. This is what we did when my 2yo was mid training at daycare. The underwear gives them the wet feeling so it encourages potty use. The pull-up over the underwear contains the mess and keeps your mother from dealing with pee accidents. She can bag up wet underwear and give him a dry pair.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there’s a world of difference of trying to potty train a 2 year old and avoiding pull-ups and a 4 year old. Unless there are communication difficulties I think you could try to just explain this? We use pull-ups sometimes for our 4 year old - forget to take it off in the morning/after nap time, or a road trip, plane trip etc, and he just treats them like underwear and pulls them down to pee. We were never consistent about taking pull-ups away during potty training and maybe it took longer than others but he’s mostly got it down now. He went thru a period of accidents a couple months ago that I thought something was really wrong (constipation etc) and I stressed so much but now it rarely happens that he has an accident it’s crazy what a difference a few months has made.

Yes but importantly your 4 yr old is not, essentially, still potty training.

My kid trained very late and I can tell you that for a kid in this stage, wearing a pull-up sometimes would be really confusing. It will make him feel like you don’t trust him to get it.

I would pour money and energy into just getting him trained. Hire a sitter for a month, keep your schedule very consistent, and just reinforce the potty training until the accidents go away or are few and far between. Then he goes back to grandmas. It will be worth the money and inconvenience to finally get him fully trained and then it’s amazing because all these issues you’ve been stressing over during training just drop away. Trust me, it’s so liberating. When you are training a kid who takes a long time to get there or has a lot of false starts (🙋🏻‍♀️) it feels like it will never end. It will. You are really close snd you e just got to push through a little longer.

I feel like there’s a world of difference of trying to potty train a 2 year old and avoiding pull-ups and a 4 year old. Unless there are communication difficulties I think you could try to just explain this? We use pull-ups sometimes for our 4 year old - forget to take it off in the morning/after nap time, or a road trip, plane trip etc, and he just treats them like underwear and pulls them down to pee. We were never consistent about taking pull-ups away during potty training and maybe it took longer than others but he’s mostly got it down now. He went thru a period of accidents a couple months ago that I thought something was really wrong (constipation etc) and I stressed so much but now it rarely happens that he has an accident it’s crazy what a difference a few months has made.

Anonymous wrote:Counterpoint here, but neither of my kids felt comfortable peeing in pull ups once they were potty trained. They'd fill them at night while asleep, but on the occasions where I'd have them wear them (long car rides or flights, mostly) they refused. We did oh crap with my first kid and I was nervous about using them again for all the reasons mentioned above but it was a total non issue for my kids.

I think there's a difference though. If a kid never (or very rarely) has an accident, then you can probably put on a pull up, and they won't pee in it. That's how we finished night training our DD. She went a week with a dry pullup and we never put one on her again. For a child that's frequently having accidents though, I think a pullup is a bad idea.

I agree with PP who suggested the training underpants. Is your son able to dress himself, so that he can change and cleanup after an accident?

Anonymous wrote:Counterpoint here, but neither of my kids felt comfortable peeing in pull ups once they were potty trained. They'd fill them at night while asleep, but on the occasions where I'd have them wear them (long car rides or flights, mostly) they refused. We did oh crap with my first kid and I was nervous about using them again for all the reasons mentioned above but it was a total non issue for my kids.

I had a pull up on my 3 year old for a recent flight and he left it totally dry. So my experience is a potty trained kid won't necessarily revert.

What's the potty setup at your moms? Is there a comfortable potty seat and stairs for him to use? Can he get in the bathroom okay?

I had a kid who peed in pull ups like diapers and another kid who never wet them unless it was truly an accident.

The good part about pull ups is that they can begin to manage it on their own. My kids wore pull ups at night for a long time - but starting around 4 or 4.5 they both learned to put them on with PJs and put them in the trash in the morning by themselves.

I vote for pull ups to help your mom - but also empowering your child to change / clean up on his own.

I also recommend a potty watch or timer. The Oh Crap book says it takes 2-3 weeks for kids to self - initiate a potty break, but for my kids it was more like 8 weeks. Just keep him on a strict potty schedule for 2-3 months while wearing pull-up and he’ll get there.

Counterpoint here, but neither of my kids felt comfortable peeing in pull ups once they were potty trained. They'd fill them at night while asleep, but on the occasions where I'd have them wear them (long car rides or flights, mostly) they refused. We did oh crap with my first kid and I was nervous about using them again for all the reasons mentioned above but it was a total non issue for my kids.

OP, I recently trained my son using the 3-day method, and it took more like 2.5 months from start to full finish 😉, so, solidarity. I wouldn’t touch pull-ups for all of the reasons mentioned by the PPs.

I think cloth training underwear could help you through this phase, as long as (as the PP mentioned) you think you can use them without having it undermine his confidence. I used these with my son:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B07ZJDQXVW/ref=sspa_mw_detail_4?ie=UTF8&psc=1&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9kZXRhaWwp13NParams
These have a thickened crotch and can contain a full accident, although the child will need to change their outfit immediately. The floor won’t get wet, however.

https://www.amazon.com/Gerber-Toddler-Training-Pants-Striped/dp/B00Q59VWC0/ref=mp_s_a_1_6?keywords=Gerber+training+pants&qid=1648115356&sr=8-6
We are now using these, which seem less thick than the ones above, but I love the fit of them and if the child starts to dribble there’s enough absorbency for them to stop and run to the potty without it making a huge mess.

Agree with previous posters. There are pull-ups that are more like underwear, so I'd consider those. If being at mom's is the sole option, get him a potty alarm. Every time it goes off, he has to try to use the potty. That could help.

Sounds like a very difficult situation, but no, I absolutely would not have him start wearing pull-ups. It will totally unravel the potty training work you have done. It sends a really confusing message: he has to use the potty 100% of the time at home, but he can pee in his pants if he is at grandma’s house. His brain is too immature to understand your reasoning to having it on as a back up method. Whatever you can do, avoid reverting.

I know this probably seems super obvious. But have you tried asking your son why he's having accidents over there? Clearly there's a difference in how the potty situation is approached when he's home with you vs when he's with grandma.

We used pullups once on vacation. But that was my only experience with them, so I can't comment on what'll happen if you start using them, but I suspect he'll probably just pee in them (that's what they're for, right?).

Well first of all, zero judgment from me on the late potty training. My DD also trained super late and I know how stressful it is when your kid doesn't train until after all their peers, no matter the reason. I get it, I've been there, I understand this phase well.

But second, I would not under any circumstances switch your son to pull ups a few days a week. You are correct he will view them as diapers and just go in them. But perhaps the bigger issue is that at 4, he will 100% understand that this is happening because he has accidents at your mom, and I'd really, really worry about this undermining his confidence in his potty training and wind up causing him to start having more accidents and regress. A lot. You really need him to know that he can do this, and that you believe he can do it.

You are at a critical juncture right now, and accidents are normal for a bit. But they do end. My experience with a late-to-train kid is that these accidents are probably essential for the child finally and definitely learning to anticipate when they have to go and getting to the potty on time. They need the discomfort to make that link in their minds. He has to go through this phase. Hopefully it will just last a few weeks (for my DD it was about 3 weeks of having accidents a couple times a week at preschool) but I think you should anticipate it lasting a few months for the purposes of planning what to do.

I think your options are as follows:
- Get a babysitter, just until your son is through this phase. Someone who will patiently handle the accidents and provide the necessary encouragement and reinforcement. This would be my first choice. Once the accidents are over, he can go back to your moms.
- Put him in cotton training pants, which are thicker than regular underwear and can make accidents easier to clean up. When my DD wore these under pair of pants, hardly any pee would wind up on anything other than her clothes. It also was an incentive for her to stop having accidents because she knew the difference between these and regular underwear and wanted to graduate to regular underwear. But they still allowed her to feel her accidents and learn from them. Depending on what's going on with your mom, this might be enough to make the accidents bearable for a few weeks. Can she safely put him in a bath if he has an accident? Because it's the easiest way to deal with it.

Not sure what else to suggest. I know the childcare challenges well, too. Good luck to you! You will get through it. It's short-lived and then you'll finally have potty training behind you. But it's hard while your in it.

So bit of background, my 4yr old DS is recently potty trained, and generally does well when we're at home. I realize that's a bit on the later side, but to avoid posting a mountain of text...let me just say that we had some *difficult* circumstances that made things a bit difficult. Anyways, he's almost entirely in underwear now. Still wearing diapers at night. We've never actually bought or used pull-ups ever, for day or night.

Anyways, because of promise of full-time WFH/remote work that my office reneged on (I'm a single mother and work full-time) DS is now spending a few days a week staying with my mom. She loves having him over, and so far our arrangement has worked out very well. However, he still has frequent pee accidents while over at her house. Even though we've tried to keep his routine as similar to how we do things at home with me (where he doesn't generally have accidents).

My mom has some medical issues that she's currently dealing with, and just this week asked if I'd be alright with us having DS wear pull-ups over at her house.

WWYD here? I'm concerned that, ESPECIALLY since he's never actually worn them before, DS will simply see them as diapers, and make no effort to continue to try and go to the bathroom. I certainty don't want to lose the progress we've made so far in the past months with him wearing undies.