I got good at listening without emotional investment. This is easier said than done.

I am so sorry OP. I have experienced this and it really is so difficult.

What I am going to suggest was something I had to for my sanity because my mother manifest's depression by vacillating between venting and raging at me. I faded off from phone calls to text and email. That way I can be extra careful what I say and not reinforce anything I don't want to reinforce. I can also chose when I open her latest dose of toxicity.

It is not your job to be her therapist and you do not have the training. Even if had the training, it would be unethical to do therapy with mom.

If your mom had a major cut then sure you might provide some ointment and a bandaid if she didn't have those items. However it it continued to bleed and bleed and looked like it was getting infected, I assume you would not attempt to treat it yourself even if she insisted. You would set the boundary because only a professional with training and tools can decide how to treat that bleeding wound. There would be no guilt expecting her to go to a highly trained clinician to treat it and ensure it won't get worse.

I sought help and went on medication so that she couldn't pull me under the dark cloud with her. Then set boundaries to protect the health and well being of my family. It was still very difficult. There was still guilt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat with my mother, but I get the added bonus that mom is an externalizer with depression and I am her scapegoat. Think rage fits. After years of trying to "rescue" her from her depression and her finally going on meds and then going off when she feels better (dozens of times) I have learned to set boundaries and detach with therapy for me. It's like dealing with an alcoholic. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom to get help. Mom keeps reaching rock bottom and getting help and then stopping. Not my problem. I no longer tolerate being her verbal punching bag. I have my own family I created and more stress than she could imagine. Honestly I have stopped reinforcing it any way. The only time I cheer her on is when she says she is getting help. Otherwise I change subject and leave. Don't go down with the ship!

Thanks so much. This is where I’m at—not reinforcing—and honestly, feeling so crappy each time. I don’t know why I try to make it my issue to solve. She won’t listen! But like you, I have my own life, and I have to focus on that. I just wish I didn’t let it make me feel like a horrible daughter.

I did it for years. I found so many resources and kept encouraging her to socialize. It sucked the life out of me. She is so critical of the "crazies" who get therapy. She would finally go for a few sessions and declare herself cured. Therapy helped me feel much less guilty stepping back. Also, the rage fits made it so that I was going have a nervous breakdown if I kept engaging. I do not allow her tantrums anymore.

Your family you created needs you to take care of your own mental health and not get sucked into this vortex of misery. I wish I could tell you mom finally stopped trying to suck me in, but she continues and she escalates. Every single time though she gets so deep into despair she gets help and for while when the meds have kicked in the therapy is in place she is OK. I also contacted the doctors. I would keep doing that. Eventually one might get through to her. That's what happened with my mom and I thought it would never happen. The doctor also read her the riot act about how often she abruptly goes off meds and how nutty she gets, but she still does it.

Please do not feel guilty detaching. You have a right to be healthy and to be stable for your family.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat with my mother, but I get the added bonus that mom is an externalizer with depression and I am her scapegoat. Think rage fits. After years of trying to "rescue" her from her depression and her finally going on meds and then going off when she feels better (dozens of times) I have learned to set boundaries and detach with therapy for me. It's like dealing with an alcoholic. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom to get help. Mom keeps reaching rock bottom and getting help and then stopping. Not my problem. I no longer tolerate being her verbal punching bag. I have my own family I created and more stress than she could imagine. Honestly I have stopped reinforcing it any way. The only time I cheer her on is when she says she is getting help. Otherwise I change subject and leave. Don't go down with the ship!

Thanks so much. This is where I’m at—not reinforcing—and honestly, feeling so crappy each time. I don’t know why I try to make it my issue to solve. She won’t listen! But like you, I have my own life, and I have to focus on that. I just wish I didn’t let it make me feel like a horrible daughter.

Anonymous wrote:If she won't take meds, would she talk to a therapist? Because of Covid, a lot of therapists now do virtual therapy via Zoom or similar online apps. At the very least it may remove some of the burden from you if she has someone to talk to.

Now I'm brainstorming ways to keep her engaged: Does she belong to a church or did she use to belong to a church? If she did then chances are they have some type of elder outreach that you might be able to hook into. You also could reach out to the Elder Services board for your town or city and see if they have resources that may help her keep engaged. I don't know if Meals on Wheels has an income cap or anything but that also might be an option.

She refuses to see someone. No meds, no therapists. She knows she’s depressed but is choosing to live with it (and make it everyone else’s problem.)

She is currently refusing any suggestions to join any groups, yet complains about having nothing to do. She was going to a fitness class, but now refuses to go. (That was the hobby, and it was quite honestly something she was passionate about.) I’ve offered to go with her while she gets her toes wet again, yet she refuses.

I’ve suggested many other things, but she’s only happy doing the same two things—grocery store, library.

I'm in the same boat with my mother, but I get the added bonus that mom is an externalizer with depression and I am her scapegoat. Think rage fits. After years of trying to "rescue" her from her depression and her finally going on meds and then going off when she feels better (dozens of times) I have learned to set boundaries and detach with therapy for me. It's like dealing with an alcoholic. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom to get help. Mom keeps reaching rock bottom and getting help and then stopping. Not my problem. I no longer tolerate being her verbal punching bag. I have my own family I created and more stress than she could imagine. Honestly I have stopped reinforcing it any way. The only time I cheer her on is when she says she is getting help. Otherwise I change subject and leave. Don't go down with the ship!

If she won't take meds, would she talk to a therapist? Because of Covid, a lot of therapists now do virtual therapy via Zoom or similar online apps. At the very least it may remove some of the burden from you if she has someone to talk to.

Now I'm brainstorming ways to keep her engaged: Does she belong to a church or did she use to belong to a church? If she did then chances are they have some type of elder outreach that you might be able to hook into. You also could reach out to the Elder Services board for your town or city and see if they have resources that may help her keep engaged. I don't know if Meals on Wheels has an income cap or anything but that also might be an option.

It’s nothing new, but it’s gotten worse over the last year—she’s now not engaging in her favorite hobbies and becoming more and more agoraphobic; always worried about what might happen if XYZ when it comes to leaving the house and going anywhere.

She REFUSES treatment. Her doctor is aware and has prescribed meds, but she won’t take them.

I’m getting better about knowing there isn’t anything I can do that will help her. I can’t make her seek or accept help. All I can do is be supportive. I’m also getting better about not letting it affect me; leaving it at the door or leaving it once I hang up the phone. But it’s still hard. How do you watch your parent suffer yet adamantly refuse medical help? If you’re dealing with this, how do you make it so it doesn’t feel like your problem to solve?