This girl shouldn't be around other 12 year olds unsupervised during lunch. She's going to trigger someone else into an eating disorder with all her talk about calories and fat grams. This is so sad, I can't believe how young it can start

DD is recovering from an ED - if you want to read more about current approaches to dealing with them check our feast-Ed.org
For instance totally true that the current approaches would call for supervised eating and more intensely at different earlier phases. My DD has a 504 with supervised eating as part of it for instance and then also monitoring of weight maintenance via our health care team.

She now quickly recognizes when other kids are restricting or ED behaviors in others. Keep in mind Ed’s are a mental health issue and not just a physical or physiological disorder for those who just respond about the eating. They are layered and complicated. And when you restrict a lot or regularly it becomes even more physiological. She asked her care team and therapists who are ED specialists about how to deal with it esp when one good friend was exhibiting significant restricting.

They counseled her to be a good friend - and to let the friend know you are there for them. If she felt comfortable sharing any of her own feelings and things she does to cope with different things. Or ways to ask for help. Can offer food and encourage. But very much that it is not her responsibility to treat or try to cure her friend.
They suggested possibly mentioning to a counselor or trusted teacher at school but not the girls parents (at least about the ED vs possibly raising that kid seemed down or sad).

As someone who had an ED as a teen, it does not sound like this girl has recovered at all as you say In your OP. I would make sure your child understands that her friend is still very sick and that it isn’t her responsibility to fix her friend. Then check in with the school counselor or other girl’s parents if you know them in order to make sure she’s actually getting the help she needs.

EDs are treated differently now (at least, when using evidence based treatment, which sadly, many practitioners don’t use) than it used to be.

If the girl can’t eat a solid lunch without supervision, then she should not be eating lunch without supervision. Recovery process = eating. Period.

As a mom with a teen in rocky recovery (who can eat a large ham sandwich with sides without supervision and can eat brownies, candy, etc no problem with friends), I would desperately hope to be notified if my daughter didn’t eat her full lunch at school. Like… I wish a friend had notified a guidance counselor when my daughter was lying to me and throwing out most of her lunch (when we started treatment but were using a crap therapist).

What PP says about it being ok if she doesn’t eat - wrong. And a dangerous thing to say, both from a mental health standpoint and a physical one.

As someone who recovered (as much as you can, tbh) from an ED that started as a teen, the only suggestion I have is for your DD is to not force her to eat on the days when she says she doesn't want anything or doesn't have any food. Your DD can offer, but if the friend says no, leave it at that. A simple, "k, let me know if you change your mind" is best.

The pressure to eat when I was out with friends definitely caused some backsliding back into purging territory. If the girl really has stopped binging and purging, that's a huge step for her!

I'm almost 40 and I started heavily restricting foods when I was around 14 due to a sport I was in. That snowballed into seeing how many days I could go without food until I felt too weak to function. Then it was figuring out the least amount of calories I could eat to function. And then finally was the binging & purging. Even now, I have to be mindful of not subconsciously counting calories because I know the calories in everything. When I go out to eat now, I usually look up the restaurant online and pick my option because to get to the nutrition info online you must click through to see it, but in many restaurants it's printed on the menu. That's still hard to deal with, so I rarely accept a menu. I pick what I want online and make a mental note.

I get so sad seeing/hearing about so many teen girls already with ED. I know they're in for a lifetime of recovery and it's so, so hard.

Anonymous wrote:Just because the kid isn't eating lunch doesn't mean she's starving. I didn't even HAVE a lunch period in 9th and 10th grades. But I got home at 2pm and ate a meal then.

Your daughter doesn't need to be so supportive of her friend. If the friend talks about why she doesn't want something your daughter can tell her "Next time just say no thanks. We don't need you to tell us how unhealthy our foods are."

How is this "friend" being a good friend to your daughter? Friendship is a two-way street. It's not a 12 year old's job to get another child with a mental illness to get healthy. That's the job of adults.

Obviously not starving in the sense of not eating anything at all, but if she doesn't eat during the school day, she's not eating anything from around 9:00 AM - 4:00 PM, probably at least 30 minutes longer at each end, and that couldn't possibly be healthy.

I don't disagree that it's not my daughter's job to treat this child's mental illness. But, she's had a lot of recent trauma in her life, the least of which was starting a new school in the middle of a pandemic, and she doesn't have a lot of friends. I don't think it would be good for her health or well-being for my daughter to act with less caring or concern, or otherwise stop being a good friend. It's just a fine and difficult line to walk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a kid, herself, and a friend to the girl your daughter should model healthy eating and body positivity and should not bring up food, dieting, nutrition or anything weight related. The girl is already getting this addressed and, to be a good friend, your daughter should offer support when it is asked for but has no responsibility or ability to actively coach her.

My daughter knows that she's not responsible for her friend's eating, but also wants to do what she can to make sure that she doesn't go hungry. I don't know how to tell her to leave her friend alone when she's starving herself, when in other circumstances, I'm always telling her to be a good friend, to help, be supportive, and so on. The friend is the one that tends to bring up food and food related things - like all the kids will share or exchange food, and she'd be the one that's 'I can't eat that, that's got xxx calories, or 3 grams of fat' or other comments along those lines.

OP I'm a registered dietitian working with eating disorders and I see a lot of young girls (primarily) like your DD's friend. That she is so young and already talking and displaying like this is very hard to watch. Kudos to your daughter for wanting to be her friend and help her. This is more than your DD should feel responsible for, however. I hope/ assume that the young girl has a therapist working with her and parents/ teachers who are aware of the situation. That is what you should assure your daughter. Agree with the role modeling but please don't put any pressure on your DD to "cure" her or even to have any positive effect; in fact, I hope that you make sure that some of this misguided language does not seep into your own DD's vocabulary. It's a sad and very tricky situation to navigate.

Thank you for this. I am absolutely not putting any pressure on DD to do anything about about this; I just heard it for the first time today. We both know that it is well beyond our pay grades. I want her to be a good friend, but I'm not sure either of us knows what that entails. I mean, in any other friend, if they're not eating, offering to share one's food is encouraged, but in this case, it's not? It's so contrary to the values we instill in our kids. I did have some concern about what effect this sort of talk has on DD, but she seems to be handling it okay, and I haven't noticed her doing anything WRT food avoidance or restriction, or calorie counting. We have had ongoing conversations about body dysmorphia, societal pressures to look and act a certain way, the importance of food, etc. and hopefully that would counter balance any negative messages she's receiving.

Just because the kid isn't eating lunch doesn't mean she's starving. I didn't even HAVE a lunch period in 9th and 10th grades. But I got home at 2pm and ate a meal then.

Your daughter doesn't need to be so supportive of her friend. If the friend talks about why she doesn't want something your daughter can tell her "Next time just say no thanks. We don't need you to tell us how unhealthy our foods are."

How is this "friend" being a good friend to your daughter? Friendship is a two-way street. It's not a 12 year old's job to get another child with a mental illness to get healthy. That's the job of adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a kid, herself, and a friend to the girl your daughter should model healthy eating and body positivity and should not bring up food, dieting, nutrition or anything weight related. The girl is already getting this addressed and, to be a good friend, your daughter should offer support when it is asked for but has no responsibility or ability to actively coach her.

My daughter knows that she's not responsible for her friend's eating, but also wants to do what she can to make sure that she doesn't go hungry. I don't know how to tell her to leave her friend alone when she's starving herself, when in other circumstances, I'm always telling her to be a good friend, to help, be supportive, and so on. The friend is the one that tends to bring up food and food related things - like all the kids will share or exchange food, and she'd be the one that's 'I can't eat that, that's got xxx calories, or 3 grams of fat' or other comments along those lines.

OP I'm a registered dietitian working with eating disorders and I see a lot of young girls (primarily) like your DD's friend. That she is so young and already talking and displaying like this is very hard to watch. Kudos to your daughter for wanting to be her friend and help her. This is more than your DD should feel responsible for, however. I hope/ assume that the young girl has a therapist working with her and parents/ teachers who are aware of the situation. That is what you should assure your daughter. Agree with the role modeling but please don't put any pressure on your DD to "cure" her or even to have any positive effect; in fact, I hope that you make sure that some of this misguided language does not seep into your own DD's vocabulary. It's a sad and very tricky situation to navigate.

+1 Encourage healthy habits and positive language at home. Your daughter should not try to pressure the other girl to eat or give her advice on eating. It must be hard for her to see but speak with your daughter regularly about she is handling it and make it clear that there adults who are trained professionals that are the ones responsible for helping her friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a kid, herself, and a friend to the girl your daughter should model healthy eating and body positivity and should not bring up food, dieting, nutrition or anything weight related. The girl is already getting this addressed and, to be a good friend, your daughter should offer support when it is asked for but has no responsibility or ability to actively coach her.

My daughter knows that she's not responsible for her friend's eating, but also wants to do what she can to make sure that she doesn't go hungry. I don't know how to tell her to leave her friend alone when she's starving herself, when in other circumstances, I'm always telling her to be a good friend, to help, be supportive, and so on. The friend is the one that tends to bring up food and food related things - like all the kids will share or exchange food, and she'd be the one that's 'I can't eat that, that's got xxx calories, or 3 grams of fat' or other comments along those lines.

OP I'm a registered dietitian working with eating disorders and I see a lot of young girls (primarily) like your DD's friend. That she is so young and already talking and displaying like this is very hard to watch. Kudos to your daughter for wanting to be her friend and help her. This is more than your DD should feel responsible for, however. I hope/ assume that the young girl has a therapist working with her and parents/ teachers who are aware of the situation. That is what you should assure your daughter. Agree with the role modeling but please don't put any pressure on your DD to "cure" her or even to have any positive effect; in fact, I hope that you make sure that some of this misguided language does not seep into your own DD's vocabulary. It's a sad and very tricky situation to navigate.

Anonymous wrote:As a kid, herself, and a friend to the girl your daughter should model healthy eating and body positivity and should not bring up food, dieting, nutrition or anything weight related. The girl is already getting this addressed and, to be a good friend, your daughter should offer support when it is asked for but has no responsibility or ability to actively coach her.

My daughter knows that she's not responsible for her friend's eating, but also wants to do what she can to make sure that she doesn't go hungry. I don't know how to tell her to leave her friend alone when she's starving herself, when in other circumstances, I'm always telling her to be a good friend, to help, be supportive, and so on. The friend is the one that tends to bring up food and food related things - like all the kids will share or exchange food, and she'd be the one that's 'I can't eat that, that's got xxx calories, or 3 grams of fat' or other comments along those lines.

As a kid, herself, and a friend to the girl your daughter should model healthy eating and body positivity and should not bring up food, dieting, nutrition or anything weight related. The girl is already getting this addressed and, to be a good friend, your daughter should offer support when it is asked for but has no responsibility or ability to actively coach her.

My 12 year old told me today that one of her friends is recovering from an eating disorder. Her relationship with food still seems really disordered. For instance, DD offered her her snack because the girl wasn't eating lunch, and the girl turned it down because it had 6 grams of fat (it was a yogurt). Or my DD saying that she has to coax the girl to eat her lunch, because left to her own devices, she just won't. I offered to pack extra lunch on those days the school was serving foods she found unhealthy (nachos, for instance), and DD said that the only things that her friend eats guilt-free, are fruits and salads. She used to go days without eating until she'd pass out, or binge and purge, but apparently no longer does that. DD says she's skinny, but doesn't look unhealthy.

This young girl has a whole host of mental health challenges that my daughter had told me about previously, and I have brought a couple of things up with the counselor that she would tell DD about but no one else knew of, but this seems to be something that is getting addressed. Besides talking to my daughter about healthy eating, why our body actually needs things such as fats, the dangers of bingeing and purging, and so on, is there anything we should be doing to be more supportive of her recovery?